Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
8 min read
How to go from bitter to better.
A professor once held a glass half-filled with water before his class and asked, “How heavy is this glass?”
Students called out: “Three ounces!” “Five!”
The teacher responded, “You’re all correct. How heavy something feels just depends on how long you’ve been holding it.”1
Letting go brings freedom and happiness; holding on to grudges can cause a decline in health. Research at Berkeley University found that internalizing residual anger can actually increase the risk of heart disease and even lead to premature death.2
If staying angry is so bad for us, why do we hold on so tightly and refuse to forgive?
We may long for validation, or worry that if we forgive, the other party is “getting away” with the misdeed. We believe holding on will serve as a form of punishment for the other person, when, in fact, we only end up punishing ourselves.
Dr. Edith Eger, Holocaust survivor and bestselling author, shares that after liberation from Auschwitz, anyone who was physically capable walked out of the camps. Yet, almost immediately after, a shocking number of people walked back inside. Although they were physically liberated, they went back and slept in the same barracks they had the night before. They felt they had nowhere to go.
You hold the key to unlocking your handcuffs.
We do the same on an emotional level, imposing psychological slavery upon ourselves. We have the capacity to free ourselves from anger and painful memories, but our minds drag us back into the past, marring our present life.
You hold the key to unlocking your handcuffs.
The Hebrew word for forgiveness is mechila. It is also the same word for burrow, a type of tunnel made by animals.
The purpose of a tunnel is to bring you to where you don’t have access. When excavating a tunnel, both sides are ideally supposed to dig towards one another until they meet in the center. This mimics how forgiveness should work.
But what if the other person isn’t doing her part? What if she is too self-absorbed to even seek forgiveness?
Judaism requires that we not hold a grudge, but we are also not obligated to forgive someone who has not done their part.3
Regardless of whether the other person does their digging, you can still create the tunnel single-handedly.
Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. Here are three tools to dig deep and your own burrow of forgiveness.
One way to develop forgiveness is to visualize granting it.
Studies have shown that forgiving thoughts increase feelings of control and reduce the stress response. They also suggested that visualizing forgiveness could enhance one’s health.4
Dr. Eger suggests that one should revisit the difficult scene in his mind’s eye in order to comfort the younger self and “release” the perpetrator.
Based on her technique, I asked a student of mine, Ava* to replay details of an explosion with her father during childhood. I suggested, “When your father is physically aggressive, offer your child self-comfort by holding her until she feels secure.
“Then, take your hand and say, ‘Come with me. You don’t live here anymore, and I’ll protect you.’ Confidently walk out the door, to the street, until the house is out of sight. Give her a space to be angry, and then show her the beauty of her present life. Go to your current home and say, ‘You live here now. You don’t have to live in that house anymore, your life is here. I’ll protect you forever.’ Show your younger self how wonderful it is to stay in the present.”
Eger explains that the next step is to go back and release the perpetrator from the grip he holds over you. She suggests mentally putting your hand on the shoulder of that person, looking him in the eye and saying, “You can’t do this anymore. You no longer have power over me. Once I was young and weak, but now I am strong.” As Eger writes, “releasing ourselves from victimhood also means releasing others from the role we’ve assigned them.”
We’ve all been in painful circumstances that have made us feel powerless, unaccepted, or unloved. You don’t have the ability to change the past or the behavior of others, but you do have the power to love yourself, and mentally extricate your mind from negative experiences. You have a choice to either remain a victim or inch toward freedom. Releasing the shackles of victimhood is a healthier choice.
Engaging in empathic thinking doesn’t mean you ignore or mitigate what the other person has done. Rather, compassionate thoughts gradually allow you to release the intense emotion that blocks you from feeling happy.
Dr. David Pelcovitz, a leading psychologist, speaks of Jonathan*, who had been physically abused by his father as a child. In his sessions, Jonathan expressed fantasizing about his father’s death.
Compassionate thoughts gradually allow you to release the intense emotion that blocks you from feeling happy.
When his father eventually passed away, Jonathan remarked, “The strangest thing happened. You know, I always dreamed of this day when I would finally be free of my father, but instead of being happy, I’m even more depressed.”
The death only exacerbated Jonathan’s depression. He began to develop chronic headaches, causing him to take a leave of absence from work.
Jonathan then began the difficult work that forgiveness requires.
While in sessions, Jonathan journaled about his father, logging memories and emotions. He began developing empathy. His father was a survivor of the Holocaust, who carried traumatic memories. Because Hitler stole his childhood, it rendered him unable to deal with his own adolescent child.
Jonathan realized that many of his father’s abusive episodes were tied to fear of danger or anxiety that he may lose his son. His anxiety expressed itself as rage, but underneath it all was love unable to be expressed.
Jonathan began to let go. One afternoon he walked into the office notably different; he seemed lighter, and even happy.
“What happened?” Dr. Pelcovitz asked.
“I went to visit my father’s gravesite. I placed my journal on the headstone. I spent the entire day crying. I cried tears of rage, anger, and ultimately tears of forgiveness.”
From that day on he was no longer weighed down by the had burrowed through his own darkness and reached a new destination - one of forgiveness and light.
Although counterintuitive, the villain in your life is also your greatest accomplice in reaching your personal goals.
Your life is akin to a play. In your personal dramas, there are good guys and bad guys. You have to embrace them all—otherwise, there is no plot. The villain is an important aspect of a well-developed plot. No villain means no hero.
The book Frindle by Andrew Clements illustrated this beautifully.
Frindle is a story about Nick Allen, a fifth-grade troublemaker. His teacher has an obsession with the dictionary and the etymology of words. She teaches her class that sometimes words are created from people inventing new ones.
Nick’s ears perk up and he asks, “So anyone can just make up a word?”
She responds, “Not people like you and I. This rarely happens.”
On the spot, Nick makes up the word “frindle,” meaning pen.
He and his friends make a pact to only use frindle when referring to a pen.
The teacher is horrified, and gives detention to any student who utilizes “frindle.” When 400 kids are in detention, the local news starts filming.
Nick’s teacher retaliates. “Nick, you’re creating problems, and I’m completely opposed. Mark my words, here is a sealed envelope. One day I’m going to give this to you—watch out!”
To her dismay, Nick ends up on TV and makes millions selling “frindle” paraphernalia.
Years later as a young adult, Nick receives a large package in the mail. He opens a dictionary from his fifth-grade teacher, sticky note attached, instructing, Check page 281!
He looks, finding the word “frindle” circled. He then sees the sealed envelope from years prior and opens it.
Dear Nicholas,
If you are reading this letter, it means the word Frindle has been added to the dictionary. Congratulations.
I am so proud of you.
Her letter continued to explain that she believed his word would make it to the dictionary, but that he needed someone to propel him. She chose to be the villain because in every story there has to be one.
The difficult people in your life either bring you or break you. They either take you where you’re supposed to go, or they destroy you in the process. The choice is yours.
Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. When you visualize forgiveness, develop empathy, and recognize the value your challengers provide, you can live a lighter, more carefree life.
Great article! How does one apply this message when the perpetrator is still in the life of the person? For instance an adult child stepping up to be a caregiver for a parent who was emotionally abusive in their childhood and periodically still is currently in their adulthood?
Fantastic article. My parents taught me " You could be right." It is perfect to put the flame of anger to forgiveness.
OUTSTANDING!
Awesome