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Countercultural ideas that will change how you think about love.
Valentine’s Day celebrates romance with cards, chocolates, and grand gestures. Jewish wisdom and psychology invite us to look beneath the surface. Here are five countercultural ideas about love from a fresh perspective.
Love is not just an emotion; it’s a behavior.
The Torah commands us to love – to love God, to love our neighbor, to love ourselves. You can’t command a feeling, but you can command an action.
How do we do this? Judaism teaches that love grows through giving. The Hebrew word ahavah (love) is linked to the Aramaic root hav, which is “to give.”1
Psychology echoes this. When our actions convey love – listening generously, offering affection, providing support – people feel loved.2 Our actions shape our expression, experience, and ultimately, the emotional connection of love itself.
Modern romance suggests that love depends on finding “the one,” the perfect match of our dreams who totally completes us. But research on long-term relationships shows that compatibility is not about matching personalities but more about shared values, mutual respect, companionship, commitment, and cooperative, flexible ways of resolving conflict.3
Judaism also views it this way. While a couple is brought together by Divine orchestration, the success of their relationship depends on their own choices. Even the most destined match requires investment and hard work.
Love is often portrayed as loud, dramatic, and impossible to miss. But at its core, love begins with something far quieter: the simple act of seeing and being seen.
Psychologist John Gottman calls this “turning toward each other,” which is responding to another person’s small bids for emotional connection.4 These moments can easily be missed or ignored without being mindful: “Look at this,” “Listen to this,” “Can you help me?” Couples who consistently turn toward each other build trust and emotional safety.
Jewish tradition captures this in the word da’at - deep, intimate knowing. When the Torah says Adam “knew” Eve, it describes more than physical intimacy. It’s the experience of being fully known and still fully accepted.
Perhaps the most profound idea in both psychology and Torah is that love isn’t just about emotional connection, it’s also about transformation.
Healthy relationships help us grow into more resilient, stronger versions of ourselves.5 They challenge us, reveal our blind spots, and uncover our strengths. They ask us to be responsible, patient, and compassionate.
Rabbi Dessler writes that the essence of love is giving, which flows outward to others, expanding the self.6 Psychology agrees that relationships are one of the most powerful ways to encourage personal growth.
In a world that celebrates instant chemistry and effortless romance, here is a radical truth: love is a choice. Not once, but every… single… day.
It’s choosing to listen when you’re tired.
Choosing to forgive when you’re hurt.
Choosing to see the good when it would be easier to focus on the flaws.
Choosing to show up, again and again.
These daily choices don’t lessen love’s passion - they’re what fuel it.
Love is fundamental to human nature and it’s available to all of us. And if you’re presently not in a romantic partnership, these same practices also deepen the love you share with friends and family.
Wish my "love" could read this...
above all, UNDERSTAND this article, that says it all.
L♡VE IS AN ACTION 🙏
L♡VE IS ALSO DEMONSTRATED BY PRESENCE (thus, presence takes its name from present =gift).
I will keep the positive from this piece :
" Love is fundamental & it’s available to all of us. "
A very fine article. I have been married for 32 years to a wonderful man, and we follow all the above advice - it works! This year is the 33rd anniversary of our first date, which was on Valentine's Day in 1993. I thank G-d every day for this husband.
Thank you for your lovely comment and confirmation that these strategies work. Happy anniversary!
Lovely!
Thank you!