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Simple but effective tips to help you navigate your sensitive, sister-in-law dynamic (and any difficult family member).
The sister-in-law dynamic can be dicey. Jealousy, competition, meddling, and other irritating behaviors can play a part in creating friction. Here are some simple but effective tips to help you navigate your sensitive, sister-in-law dynamic. (This advice applies to all difficult family members.)
Sometimes you don’t like someone but can’t place your finger on why. When you meet people for the first time, you subconsciously associate them with others. I once met someone whose voice sounded exactly like someone I wasn’t fond of. I had to work to prevent that factor from clouding my judgment of the person.
Ask yourself: Is there something about my sister-in-law that reminds me of someone I don’t like? Strive to maintain neutrality when interacting with her.
You tend to hone in on the negative aspects of people you don’t like, creating a skewed image of them. Instead, learn to magnify their positive attributes.
Step outside your perspective and acknowledge that what may seem obvious and gracious to us may be for them stretching beyond their comfort zone. Temper your expectations to reflect where they’re coming from.
A friend of mine shared with me that she called her sister-in-law every year on her birthday. In addition, she sent gifts for her children’s birthdays, with no reciprocation or even acknowledgment. Finally, after many years of this, she received a phone call on her own child’s birthday from that sister-in-law. It was a miniscule act compared to her efforts. However, what’s a small step for you can be someone else’s big leap.
“How could you let your children eat that?”
“I would never do such a thing…”
“When are you going to have another kid already?”
Comments like these from a family member can feel irritating and hurtful. Try to let go of any forms of judgment, bragging, eye-rolls, nosiness and other minor irritations that pop up in your sister-in-law relationship. Build a protective bubble surrounding yourself that doesn’t allow her verbal arrows to penetrate. Keep repeating to yourself, Water off a duck’s back…
A professor once held a glass filled with water and turned to his students and asked, “How heavy do you think this is?” Students called out varying answers: “Six ounces,” “two ounces,” “nine ounces…” The professor said, “You are all right.” How could they all be right? As he held the glass, he responded, “How heavy something feels just depends on how long you’ve been holding it.”
Choose your battles wisely and let go of as much as you can. By holding on to resentment and ruminating on past conversations and micro-aggressions, you are the only one left hurting.
Sometimes having another person around to act as a buffer can help your sister-in-law behave more gracefully. When you bring someone else into the picture, she will likely choose to be on her best behavior.
If your sister-in-law thrives on drama, she may be trying to provoke you towards reaching a boiling point.
In the face of tension, try to express kindness. Even when she behaves poorly, if she realizes that she cannot ruffle your feathers, she’ll have no reason to continue.
Preemptively envision yourself acting and speaking with grace. When you stay elevated, you not only feel better about yourself, but the other person also realizes her tactics won’t work on you, and will be forced to mirror your grace.
One evening, my husband and I planned to attend a black-tie event. I was about to exit the front door when my five-year-old son came running towards me for another hug.
I drew him in and when we finally pulled apart, I looked down to find a rather gigantic chocolate stain smack in the middle of the dress. I was eight months pregnant at the time and my belly certainly did not make it look any less noticeable. The dress was ruined.
There I stood, already uncomfortable, now late for the event, without an appropriate dress for the occasion. I could feel the anger rise in my throat, but I wasn’t about to make my son feel bad for giving me a hug. It took much internal strength (and leaving the room) to maintain my composure.
In the moment that squishy-hug stain felt very, very big. Yet zooming out, I was able to put that moment into perspective. Months later, I was able to laugh about it.
Applying a healthy dose of perspective can shrink those seemingly big moments of anger and frustration with your sister-in-law as well.
If your sister-in-law continuously makes subliminal jabs, and you constantly find yourself having to make excuses for her poor behavior, she could be more toxic than you want to believe. Her comments could actually be a form of gaslighting or other mental abuse, especially if they’re made only in private.
If that’s the case, it’s important to distance yourself and create protective boundaries. Sometimes saying “No” is all you need to protect yourself. If someone is hurting you and is incapable of changing, separate yourself, because your wellbeing and safety comes before all else.
If your sister-in-law is rude, exclusive, or outright cruel, don’t engage; rather stay elevated and gracious. Goading you to behave negatively out of character is the most detrimental thing she can do. Stay true to yourself and choose up.
The best tactic you can use to calm yourself down when a sister-in-law is behaving inappropriately is to separate fact from fiction and actions from assumptions.
Suppose you walk into a room, she looks up and sees you standing there. She looks you right in the eye and instead of exchanging pleasantries, she spins around, turns up her nose, and walks off in the opposite direction.
You can calm yourself by separating fact from fiction.
The fact is: I came into the room and she walked out.
The fiction is: the story I create to attribute meaning to that act.
The Talmud teaches that what you criticize in others is actually a flaw you see in yourself. (Modern psychology calls this projection.) You are hypersensitive to the flaw without realizing that it is your own blemish that is being magnified.
Recognize she is speaking about herself and has her own inner work to do. Stay strong, and ignore her inappropriate words or behavior.
Like all difficult family members, a difficult sister-in-law is here to refine you. Your job is not to fix them; it’s to respond in a way that makes you better than you were before.
