> Dating > Dating Wisdom

3 Dating Questions for the New Year

September 18, 2014 | by Aleeza Ben Shalom

On setting up previous dates, moving to small town for a great job but few dates, and taking a break from dating.

Dear Aleeza,

I’m single. I have been living in the same place for nine years. Most of the people in my world consider where I live to be the “hub” of the Jewish singles population. I was recently offered a fabulous promotion and I am so excited about it! This new job would require me to move to a small town. I have been waiting for this promotion for a long time. My family and friends are worried about the “lack of potential partners” there, but isn’t God in charge? Couldn’t I live on an island and still find the one? That’s what I always believed, but everyone’s worrisome comments are making me wonder if I should just stay put. What should I do? –Tali from “the Hub”

Dear Tali,

Your parents and friends are concerned about your happiness and that is a good thing. I hear that you are excited about this opportunity and therefore you will potentially be happier in your new small town. There is a good possibility you’ll meet the right one in your new “hub”. You may not be in a community of many singles, but your happiness will make you more attractive to others. To me, as a mentor, what I want to know is: Do you think that you will be your best self by being there? Do you feel this is a good move?

Put dating out of your mind for a minute. If dating wasn’t a consideration would you be excited about making this move? If the answer is yes, then I think this is likely to be a positive change for you.

You also asked if you could just live on an island and still find the one. While you could still find the right one on an island, it would be mighty hard on a deserted island with no internet. A populated island with internet, now that’s another story. These days it’s so common for people to meet online or via friends from around the world that I’m not terribly concerned about the “lack of potential partners,” if you feel this is the right move. Your new relationship may come from the most unlikely place. And if you haven’t met the right one in the densely populated area...change your place and change your mazel. With a new location you just may bring about the right relationship. I hope this message will encourage your family and friends to help you start packing!

Setting Up Previous Dates

Dear Aleeza,

I am single. Is it weird for me to start playing matchmaker with those I have previously dated? Will this help or hurt my own dating? –Jenny

Dear Jenny,

If you can match two people up who would have qualitative potential for getting married and you no longer have feelings for the potential date, you should certainly go ahead and try. However, if you feel uneasy or do have some unresolved feelings for your previous man, remember the quote from Ethics of Our Fathers, “You are not expected to complete the task, but neither are you free to avoid it.” In other words, try to mention the idea to someone else in a position to introduce the couple. Trying to set two people up is one of the greatest acts of kindness you could do. I believe as long as your intention is good, this has the potential to positively affect your own dating life. And while you’re playing matchmaker, make sure to play it with yourself too! Look with a different set of eyes at potential suitors for you. Perhaps with a different view you’ll see new possibilities that you hadn’t considered before.

And if you still have doubts about setting up two people, watch this incredible video:


Taking a Break from Dating

Dear Aleeza,

I am single and completely burnt out from many unsuccessful dates over the past year. I really want to get married and start a family, but I feel like I need a break. Can I take one? Is this the best way to start my new year? -Ari

Dear Ari,

By all means, take your break first thing this new year! It’s really hard to be your best self or even get into the groove of a great conversation with a stranger when you are expecting another wasted evening out. However, a calculated break is best. It would be ideal for your break to have a clear starting and ending time. Of course you can re-evaluate along the way should you need more time than you think, but do set up an initial timeline and revise as you go.

The deadline makes it clear (for yourself) that it is simply a “break” as opposed to despair. And remember that there is no right or wrong amount of time to take a break. Breaks are totally individual and will vary depending on your circumstances. Also, think about what you want to do during your break. Take a karate class, go on an outing with friends or attend that lecture you’ve been wanting to go to. With these proactive moves, your break should refresh you and give you perspective for your next, and hopefully right, woman.

May you be blessed this new year to find the relationship you desire. Shana tova!

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