GOOD MORNING! This past week I spent some time with a good friend who is going through a difficult separation from his wife. He has been separated for a few years already and he’s pining for the day when he will finally be “happily divorced.” The conversation inevitably turned to his adolescent daughters and some of the challenges he faces as a parent.

Being the father of eight fairly well adjusted children I began to offer some parenting advice, until I thought about it and realized that the only reason my kids turned out so well is due to the enormous efforts of my wife. I reflected upon the fact that I have spent most of my career as a father just trying not to undo the excellent parenting provided by my wife. I am fairly certain that I am not alone.

"Gee, raising kids sure is easy!” Said no one ever. After all, kids don’t come with an instruction manual (not that too many people would bother to read it anyway). It has been said that being a parent is the only occupation where you are out of a job the moment you finally feel fully experienced. Of course, that isn’t wholly true; while at some point your child (hopefully) leaves your home and is no longer reliant on you for clothes, food, or shelter, I don’t think parents are ever truly out of a job.

A few weeks ago I turned fifty-seven and I am blessed with children and grandchildren. I am doubly blessed to still have both of my parents in my life. Notwithstanding that I am already a grandfather, every time I take a trip my mother calls to remind to pack a warm jacket. If I inadvertently cough when I am on the phone with her then she immediately wants to know when I am going to the doctor. Clearly, there are some elements of parenting that are a lifelong commitment.

There are countless reasons why parenting is challenging and many have to do with our own failings of shortsightedness and selfishness. There are times when our children really need us, but we prioritize our own desires. For example, if my daughter wants to talk about a difficult situation in her life, but I want to watch the football game. I know that come Tuesday I won’t even remember the score of the game, but for some reason I may still choose to make her wait until after the game.

Worse yet, deep down I know that twenty years from now I will cherish the time I spent with her during her childhood and will deeply regret not taking every opportunity to capture those fleeting moments.

Nevertheless, it’s hard to be a good parent. I may come home from a stressful day at work and instead of spending time with my kids I merely “plug them in” to some electronic device to act as a proxy parent. Other times I want to take a nap on Shabbat afternoon, but my sons want to play “poke each other in the eye.” I resent the fact that instead of sleeping I have to referee their game so that no one actually loses an eye.

But perhaps the most difficult part isn’t dealing with their behavior, it’s dealing with our own. We should be less worried about what our children do, and far more concerned with what they see and absorb of our actions. Children are always watching and mimic what they see – good and bad.

There are so many perplexing outside influences. We send our kids out into a world where people are confused about the most obvious and elemental aspects of their own reality. Our children no longer know how to address people anymore; the “obvious” pronouns can no longer be assumed. Being Jewish and identifying as a Zionist is no longer intrinsic but political and sometimes dangerous. Our society is seemingly engaged in a self-destructive nihilistic spiral from which there may be no escape. Even worse, in order to be “cool” or part of the “in-crowd” our children may feel pressured to pretend to be someone wholly different from who they are; it is therefore our job as parents to somehow guide them through this uncertain world.

Of course, certain elements of parenting naturally create conflict. When a parent lays down ground rules – even if they are for their own good – that are not to their liking, then the children may feel like they are being persecuted. I’ll never forget a childhood visit to a friend’s house where my friend felt that he was being treated unfairly. He said to his father; “Dad, why are you treating me like this?!? Was I adopted or something?” His father looked him straight in the eye and answered, “Not yet, but we’re still trying!”

In this week’s Torah reading we have a remarkable definition of what it means to be a parent.

“It wasn’t you who sent me here, rather it was Hashem. He has made me as a father to Pharaoh [...]” (Genesis 45:8).

Joseph, upon revealing his identity to his brothers, seeks to lessen the burden of their betrayal of him (from when they sold him into slavery). He explains that his coming down to Egypt was really all part of God’s plan to place him in a uniquely high position in the Egyptian hierarchy.

Joseph asks that they convey his stature to his father Jacob, along with his request that Jacob and his entire family come down and join him in Egypt. The initial way that Joseph describes his position within the hierarchy is that of a father to Pharaoh.

This seems very odd; what does Joseph mean when he says that he is as a father to Pharaoh?

The great medieval Biblical commentator known as Rashi gives us a remarkable definition of what it means to be a father: “a friend and patron.” Joseph expects his brothers to convey his position to Jacob without any elaboration on what he means by “as a father to Pharaoh” – therefore, we must conclude that Joseph is using Jacob’s own definition of fatherhood.

This is very significant. Within the Torah, the only father who has absolute success with his children is Jacob. The Torah makes a special note of the fact that all of his sons were equal and righteous (see 35:22 and Rashi ad loc). Of all the personalities in the Torah for whom we have significant details about their personal lives, there is no better model for successful fatherhood than Jacob; not Adam, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Moses, or Aaron.

Thus, it is crucial that we take special note of what Jacob’s definition of fatherhood was and try to incorporate those principles into our own families. Rashi’s description of what Joseph understands Jacob’s definition of fatherhood to be is very instructive. Obviously, if Joseph refers to himself as a father to Pharaoh then he doesn’t mean to say that he is in charge of him; he’d be taking his life in his hands.

Rather, Joseph is explaining that the first role of a father is to treat his child with respect as a friend and colleague, not an indentured servant whose main purpose is to do chores around the house and stay out of the way. Secondly, a father has to recognize that his child cannot survive on his own, therefore he has to be a patron to his child – that is, provide unwavering emotional support.

Some thirty years ago I had a conversation with my grandfather about my career. At the time, I was a high school teacher and my grandfather (who had actually taught in public school in the 50’s) wanted me to leave teaching and join the school administration. I remember telling him that finding good teachers was very hard and that “If all the capable people left teaching, then what would happen to education?” I told him I wanted to remain a teacher.

My grandfather replied, “I really don’t agree with you, but it is absolutely your choice and I will do whatever I can to support your decision.” He offered me financial support and anything else I would need to follow my vision for my life.

It was at that moment that I realized his greatness as a parent (and grandparent) – he was offering guidance, but also unconditional support even though he didn’t agree with my decision. I then understood how my father too had been able to seek his own path as a rabbi, even though his father and grandfather had been in the jewelry business.

Of course, it is also no accident that my grandfather eventually got what he wanted and I ended up on the administrative side of education. In supporting me and allowing me to choose my own path, my grandfather empowered me to be able to change course when the time was right. When I think back on the time I spent with my parents and grandparents I marvel at all I learned – and my greatest hope is that one day my own children and grandchildren will feel the same.

Vayigash, Genesis 44:18 – 47:27

We left off last week with Joseph’s pronouncement that he was keeping Benjamin as a slave for stealing his wine cup. Judah steps forward to challenge the decision and offers himself as a slave instead of Benjamin. Joseph is overcome with emotion, clears the room of all Egyptians and then reveals his identity to his unsuspecting brothers.

The brothers are shocked! They suspect Joseph’s intentions, but accept his offer to bring the extended family to Egypt. Jacob is initially numb and disbelieving of the news, but becomes very excited to see his son.

The Torah recounts the 70 members of Jacob’s family who went down to Egypt. Jacob reunites with Joseph, meets Pharaoh and settles with the family in the Goshen district. During the famine, Joseph buys up all of the property and people in Egypt for Pharaoh with the grain stored during the seven good years.