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Vaccines for Jewish Ailments

December 6, 2020 | by David Kilimnick

Can someone come up with a vaccine for the loud people in shul who sit next to me?

In record time vaccines have been created. Great minds are working day in and day out to solve the COVID-19 pandemic. We must use these great minds to solve other Jewish diseases too.

For example, who is addressing our issues of premature baldness? Nobody! Yes. They talk about toupees. But that doesn’t help people like me, who still think that the yarmulke is hiding something. Please scientists, get to work!

This is just one example, but I hope we can put our great Jewish scientists to work on finding a vaccine for this and the many other Jewish problems that I have outlined below:

Loud People in Shul Sitting Next to Me

Issue: I can’t think. I don’t understand the words, but that is not the point. I am praying, thinking about how I am going to report my taxes this year, thinking if I have to pick up eggs today. I might need to pick them up tomorrow. The point is I can’t think about what I need during davening with this loud guy beside me.

“Vaccine” or Solution: More separation in Shul. Coronavirus separation restrictions has helped with this. But they’re still loud. So the only way to immunize here is to cover your head with a Tallit.

Yelling in the Shuk

Issue: They have a sign that says the price. You don’t need to yell it at me.

“Vaccine” or Solution: A strengthening agent that helps the vendors move their arms so that they can learn to point to the “five shekel for grapes” sign.

Loud Chewing

Issue: This seems to be a regular thing when people are sitting next to me at the Shabbat table. It’s definitely a sickness.

Solution: A contraption that closes their mouth. If that doesn’t work, there must be a long-lasting sedative.

Guy Sneezing A Lot

Issue: He is still standing next to me. He just gave me COVID.

Solution: Get him a tissue. I don’t know if they have any vaccines to get rid of him.

Forcing Food on People

Issue: Whenever I make food, I want people to eat more. I push it onto their plate. I believe this is hereditary. This disease has been around for many years, and it may be the cause of my heaviness.

Solution: Smaller utensils. This way, when my friend’s mom scoops more mashed potatoes onto my plate without asking me if I want more, she’ll have to do it three times; not just once.

Hotels Without Shabbat Non-Electric Locks

Issue: I have to find ways to camouflage my unlocked door, with strings running from the inside handle to outside the door, leaving up the ‘Don’t Disturb sign, or slipping the ‘Don’t Disturb signs’ where the door locks, so that if anybody breaks into my room, they will know not to disturb.

Solution: Let them take your stuff. Be honest with yourself, do you really have anything of value? Nobody wants your tennis shoes.


Issue: We don’t have enough stuff to worry about. I have to worry about something.

Solution: Wait till Israel is back in the news.

People Stealing My Coat from The Coat Room at Shul

No solution. They’re going to take my coat.

Voting in Israel

Issue: This pandemic still has no solution. We are still in the middle of the same parliament vote from two years ago.

Solution: Create another political party. Forty parties have not satisfied our needs as a country.

Not Being Able To Leave a Party

Issue: Any Jewish Simcha I go to, I can’t leave. I sit, I talk to people, I eat. I can’t get up. Staying is a Jewish disease. If there was no security, I would never leave a wedding hall.

Solution: The vaccine here has to be to place the loud chewing guy next to me. If the guy who sneezes in shul all the time is also at my table that will make this twice as effective.

You have to catch the need for people to stay at your party before its inception. You must root it out. You have to sit people at tables where they won’t be comfortable. Preferably next to your cousins. You know them. There’s a reason they’re not sitting with the family.

Lack of Sleep on Shabbat Afternoon in the Winter

Issue: Shul is over at 11:30am, you go home and then lunch is over and you have to head back to shul so quickly, especially in the winter months.

Solution: In shul lunch. Or huge kiddushes that are not sponsored. Once you need somebody to sponsor them, it won’t happen. Just add it to the dues that people haven’t paid. If time is running tight, you can even let some people sleep at shul. For sleeping though, you need to sponsor.


Issue: It’s hard to complain when you have nothing to worry about. I found myself not complaining today and somehow, I feel like I’m not right.

Solution: Wait till Israel is back in the news.

Chanukah Gifts Nobody Likes

Issue: I like it when my socks stay up. Nobody has ever knitted me a pair of socks that doesn’t fall.

Solution: Give me money. Everybody says “it’s the thought that counts.” Put in a little more thought and you’ll realize that I want money. Maybe we can get some of the brilliant scientific minds to thinktank this, and get people to stop knitting socks.

People That Serve Lean First Cut and Not the Second Cut of Corned Beef

Issue: Some people are still doing this. There’s no taste there. Truth is that I don’t even know if this is an issue. If they are serving the piece without fat, I don’t eat it because to me it’s not kosher.

Solution: Schmear fat all over whatever these people who never used a Hadassah Cookbook are serving you.

Could scientists come up with better solutions than me? Probably not. But they should at least try. Anything to get rid of the guy behind me in shul, sneezing on me and kicking my chair.

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