Maslow's Regret: Lessons From a Fallen Friend

On a bitter evening in January, I opened my phone to a horrible surprise. The face staring back at me on the homepage of The Jerusalem Post was the face of my friend, Nati Alfasi. A whatsapp text made it real: “Nati was killed in Gaza.” My phone dropped to the floor.

Five years earlier, Nati was my Company Commander in the 202nd Paratrooper brigade. To me, he was invincible, a figure larger than life. Now, a husband to Shachar and the father of a young child, Eitan Yosef, Nati’s death was impossible to grasp.

Since the war broke out on October 7th, I had grappled with the consequences of my decision to leave Israel and move to America. While my friends and family were fighting on the front lines in Israel, I was thousands of miles away working as a JLIC educator on a college campus, and asking: What is my role in all of this?

I checked the news constantly, called my friends often, and did my best to remain positive and present. With all of that, I was struggling. Am I in the right place? How can I find purpose as a Jew when I’m so far away?

With the news of Nati’s death, these questions only amplified. Thinking of him daily, I asked myself what I could do to keep a part of him alive in my own life.

Nati Alfasi, of blessed memory

Something unique about Nati was his constant sense of purpose. As the Company Commander of over 100 soldiers, the challenges and demands that he faced on a daily basis were tremendous. Nonetheless, he carried himself with his head held high, always looking forward. He was a man who exemplified living with purpose.

How could I bring that into my own life?

According to Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the highest need of a person is to experience self-actualization, which he defines as becoming "capable of all that you are capable of". This pursuit of self-actualization is often associated with independence and the fulfillment of one's personal purpose. This is what characterized Nati; he was a person who lived his own life to the fullest.

But that’s not the whole story. At the end of Maslow's life, he had a change of heart and retracted self-actualization as the highest need, citing it as hurtful and incorrect. He proposed instead that a person's greatest need is self-transcendence, the opposite of self-actualization. Self-actualization is focused exclusively on the self; self-transcendence asks us to look beyond ourselves and consider the world around us. It’s not based upon the principle of independence, but rather interdependence, the idea that we are united and need each other in order to survive. It begs us to ask, not "how can I actualize my potential", rather, "who needs me right now?"

Consider this statement by Victor Frankl, author of Man's Search for Meaning:

"The real aim of human existence cannot be found in what is called self-actualization. Human existence is essentially self-transcendence rather than self-actualization. Self-actualization is not a possible aim at all; for the simple reason that the more a person would strive for it, the more they would miss it. For only to the extent to which people commit themselves to the fulfillment of their life’s meaning, to this extent they also actualize themselves. In other words, self-actualization cannot be attained if it is made an end in itself, but only as a side-effect of self-transcendence.”

I believe Frankl is saying that purpose is not found through the pursuit of purpose, rather it is defined by the pursuit of the present. Meaning: the more a person seeks to be present with addressing the needs that surround them, the clearer their purpose will become.

This is what Nati had. He knew why he woke up every single morning. Through his commitment to the present, he breathed purpose.

This idea is central to Judaism.

On every single street corner in Israel there is a sign that reads יחד ננצח - together we will achieve victory. Together we will be strong.

The moment has come to shelf the question, “What is my purpose” and instead join the Jewish People in asking, “Who needs me right now?”

Israel is a country filled with people like Nati who dedicate their lives to the service of others. People who look not to their own goals but to the aspirations and dreams of the collective. People who understand that victory is only achieved when we stand together as one.

These people are not only in the army, they are found on the streets, performing small acts of kindness that go unnoticed.

It’s the college student who plays baseball with the boy who lost his father. The man at the grocery store who pays the bill of a struggling young family. The teenage girl who offers to babysit for a mother whose husband in the reserves. These are the quiet heroes of Israel.

This answers my question about my decision to move to America. While I can’t be in Israel at the moment, I was drafted for another mission: the mission of the present moment, the mission of self transcendence. I am called upon to be a dedicated father, husband, JLIC Director, and community member. I am asked to commit myself to serve the needs that are found in my immediate surroundings.

The moment has come to shelf the question, “What is my purpose” and instead join the Jewish People in asking, “Who needs me right now?”