GOOD MORNING! In this week’s column I want to discuss some of what I feel are the most important principles for raising happy, well-adjusted children. Oddly enough, some of these principles can be directly derived from the Torah’s laws of inheritance as well as how we are instructed to take responsibility for our children.

In Parshas Pinchas we find Moses nearing the end of his life and the Jewish nation on the threshold of entering the Land of Israel after spending a difficult forty years in the desert. The Almighty instructs Moses on who is eligible to receive a portion and the process for dividing the Holy Land between the tribes.

It is here that the Torah records a rather remarkable incident. Because the Land of Israel was being divided up among the different tribes, only men above the age of twenty were eligible to receive a portion in the Land of Israel. Judaism follows matrilineal descent, in other words, if the mother is Jewish then the child is Jewish. However, tribal identification is established through the father – the children belonged to their father’s tribe.

This week’s Torah reading relates the quandary of the daughters of a man named Tzelofchad who had perished in the desert. They approached Moses because they wished to receive their father’s portion in the Land of Israel even though he had died prior to the division of the land and had no male heirs to inherit his portion. They argued that it wasn’t fair that his portion should be given away to others in his tribe just because he had no male heirs. They felt hurt that there would be no ongoing remembrance of his family name within his tribe (anyone who grew up watching television shows about big ranching families will remember that a family’s name is deeply associated with the land they own).

“They stood before Moses […] saying; ‘Our father died in the wilderness […] Why should the name of our father be taken away from among his family, because he had no sons? Give to us a possession among the brothers of our father’” (Numbers 27:2-4).

According to Rashi (ad loc), Moses did not know what the law was in such a case and therefore presented the question to the Almighty. Ultimately, God sided with the daughters of Tzelofchad and they were awarded their father’s share in Israel:

“If a man will die and he has no son, you shall cause his inheritance to pass over to his daughter” (27:8).

But the story doesn’t end there. The other members of their tribe – the tribe of Menashe – came to complain that if Tzelofchad’s daughters married men from other tribes then their portions would be inherited by their sons who would be from other tribes and the land that was being given to his daughters would be transferred away from the tribe of Menashe. If that occurred, then the land given to the tribe of Menashe would be unfairly diminished.

Moses relayed God’s response: Indeed, Tzelofchad’s daughters should marry only within their own tribe. The five of them duly married their cousins.

For the next fourteen years, any woman who inherited her father’s property could only marry someone from the same tribe. However, after the land was conquered and divided, this law ceased to be in effect; from then on, an heiress could wed any man she pleased. According to one opinion in the Talmud (Ta’anit 30b) this requirement to marry within the tribe was officially abolished on the 15th of Av, and indeed it is one of the reasons why the sages refer to the 15th of Av as a very happy time.

The famous medieval work of Jewish scholarship known as the Sefer Hachinuch (a widely respected codification of all the 613 mitzvot organized by the Torah portion in which each commandment is found) writes extensively on the 400th mitzvah in the Torah – the laws regarding inheritance.

It is fascinating to note that, according to Jewish law, a parent does not have to leave their children any inheritance whatsoever. Of course, if a person dies with heirs (and assets) then the heirs automatically inherit. Nonetheless, there is no mitzvah in the Torah to leave an inheritance for your children. In an unrelated (but quite similar) Jewish law, we find that a man is only required to support his children until they have reached the grand old age of six (see Maimonides Yad Laws of Ishus 12:14).

On the face of it, both of these laws seem quite preposterous – not to mention extremely mean-spirited. It is even more difficult to comprehend when we consider the teachings of our sages regarding the basic nature of what it means to be a Jew. The Talmud informs us that there are three attributes to be found amongst the “children of Abraham” 1) rachmanim – compassion 2) byshanim – a sense of shame and 3) gomlei chassadim – acts of kindness.

Meaning, compassion and kindness define a Jew’s innate nature. It is intrinsic in every Jewish parent’s nature to be concerned for their child’s well-being; especially after the parent’s death. How is it possible that there is no mitzvah to leave your child an inheritance or to provide for them past the age of six?!? There is an incredible message here – and it is one of the most critical principles to apply when raising children.

Children are born as extremely selfish and self-absorbed beings – the only thing of which they are acutely aware is their personal discomfort, so they cry and scream until they get someone to come and address their needs. Unfortunately, many parents never compel their children to mature past this initial stage of development.

Perhaps the greatest danger facing the children of this generation is that they are being raised within an epidemic of societal entitlement. Parents have bought into the societal lie that they have to give their children the best of everything. This soul corroding way of raising one’s children created a generation that feels that they are OWED a job, that it is the government’s job to provide them with food and shelter, and that they are entitled to reparations for things that happened to their ancestors.

Anything and everything unpleasant that happens to them is someone else’s fault. If they are clumsy or aren’t paying attention and they trip and fall they naturally look to blame someone else and, of course, contrive some emotional impairment in order to sue for damages. They constantly look for shortcuts to fulfill all their indulgences and self-sacrifice for a greater good (even their own future good) is rarely part of the equation.

There is no sense of earning, or at least justifying, one’s existence. There are simply expectations: a car for high school graduation, college tuition, moving back home after college rent-free, parental contribution to monthly expenses after marriage, etc.

Unfortunately, parents often buy into this nonsense and foolishly comply – even if it means that they have to push off their own retirement plans.

It is here that the absolute brilliance and wisdom of Jewish law (and custom) is apparent. Of course a father is going to provide for his children even after the age of six – after all, kindness and compassion are part of the Jewish DNA. But we have to convey to children at a very early age that their parent doesn’t owe them that sustenance. Children need to know, at a young age, that they must justify their existence – they aren’t entitled to anything.

This starts by teaching our children responsibility – that they are part of a close-knit family, one that has a nuclear bond. Part of that bond entails responsibility to one another and everyone must contribute to the greater whole in whatever way they are able. Obviously these responsibilities should be age appropriate, but when it comes to certain basic elements of a household – such as setting/clearing the table, caring for pets, taking out the trash, etc. – the roles should be assigned (if not, everyone will expect someone else to do it). The assignments teach valuable lessons in expectations, accountability, and doing for others, thus breaking those intrinsic self-centered habits.

Next, we must teach our children the real value and purpose of money: to get us what we need, not what we want. When we raise responsible kids, they grow up to become responsible adults. Responsible adults understand that money has a specific purpose and that it’s not to be wasted on temporal indulgences.

We must model behavior that communicates that every decision has a cost/benefit component to it. It’s okay to occasionally indulge as long as we are aware of the cost that will likely impact another area. Children need to see these decisions and weigh the options. They made $5 washing the car; do they spend it on ice cream now or save it for a toy later? Don’t fall for the lie that you are being a good parent by making sure you give your children everything – you are being a good parent by giving them an opportunity to earn the best of everything.

Our children have to learn that when you take responsibility and work for something then you have a greater appreciation for it. More importantly, you begin to recognize and value your ability to take care of yourself. Your children’s success in this area will build their self-esteem. They will recognize their ability to be independent, and they will grow into confident, well-adjusted, and emotionally secure adults.

The Torah is sending a profound message to our children: Your parents do not owe you – whatever they do for you is not out of obligation but rather out of love. Once a child begins to internalize his parents’ motivation for providing support it will strengthen his appreciation for them and deepen his bond with them. Of course, developing excellence of character is an arduous and lifelong journey, but this is how it begins.

Pinchas, Numbers 25:10 - 30:1

In this week's Torah portion, Pinchas acted to stop a public display of immorality. He thus stemmed the plague of retribution that was killing the multitudes. He is rewarded by being made a Cohen by Divine decree.

The Almighty commands Moses to attack the Midianites in retribution for the licentious plot the Midianites perpetrated upon the Israelites. A new census is taken of the Jewish people revealing that there are 601,730 men available for army duty. God directs the division of the Land of Israel amongst the tribes. The Levites are tallied. The daughters of Tzelafchad come forward to petition Moses regarding their right of inheritance. Moses inquires of the Almighty, Who answers in their favor.

Moses asks the Almighty to appoint a successor and the Almighty directs Moses to designate Joshua (Yehoshua). The Torah portion concludes with the various offerings – daily, Shabbat, Rosh Chodesh (new month), and holidays.