GOOD MORNING! All my parenting life I have tried to impress upon my children that everything important in life boils down to relationships. Most readers will read that last sentence and think, “Of course, it’s not what you know, but who you know!” In truth, I mean it in a more all-inclusive way, as I shall explain.

Much of the ancient wisdom of the Torah has been distilled into principles of life and ethical behavior and compiled by our sages in the work known as Pirkei Avot – commonly referred to as Ethics of our Fathers. This manual for living a meaningful and principled life was completed about two thousand years ago and the wisdom contained within is quite timeless. Pirkei Avot is part of the Torah known as Mishna – which forms much of the basis of the “oral law.”

We find in the very beginning of Pirkei Avot the following statement attributed to Shimon Hatzadik (“Simon the Righteous”) who was not only the leading Torah authority of his generation but also the High Priest in the Holy Temple. (Interestingly enough, according to the Talmud, he once had a chance encounter with Alexander the Great while he was on his way to conquering the world see Yoma 69a.)

“The world stands on three things: 1) Torah 2) Worship 3) Acts of Kindness” (Pirkei Avot 1:2).

These principles are the three pillars upon which the world is perched. Aside from the fact that they are core values of Judaism, the reason that they are so critical to the existence of the world is that they represent the three relationships that every person must develop. “Worship” represents man’s relationship with his Creator; “Acts of Kindness” represents man’s relationship with his fellow man; “Torah” represents man’s relationship with himself (the Torah represents one’s personal growth from a “rational animal” to a developed person of elevated spiritual status).

Just this past week a young undergraduate student in our school asked me a very sophisticated question: “What is the most important relationship we have?” I looked at him with some admiration; at only 19 years old he was grappling with a very fundamental life question.

I explained that, in my opinion, the most important relationship to develop is the relationship with oneself. It is also, unfortunately, the relationship that is most often neglected. In order for a person to properly have a healthy relationship with others (or the Almighty) he must first know who he is, have a good relationship with himself, and be at peace with himself.

The Talmud (Bava Basra 88a) comments on a verse found in Psalms (15:2) – “(he who) speaks truth in his heart” – as referring to someone who has a true awe of the Almighty. Curiously, the Talmud found it necessary to give an example of such a person: Rav Safra. Rashi, the great Torah and Talmud commentator (ad loc), goes on to explain how Rav Safra came to be the paragon of this virtue.

Rav Safra, a well-known merchant, was in the middle of saying the Shema prayer when someone approached him to buy something that he was selling. The buyer proceeded to offer a sum of money for the item he wished to buy. Rav Safra, who was still in the midst of prayers, was silent. The buyer understood Rav Safra’s silence as a reluctance to sell because the sum wasn’t high enough, so he kept raising his offer until it was a very large sum of money.

Once Rav Safra finished his prayers, he turned to the buyer and told him that he would sell it to him for the original offer he made. The buyer, shocked that Rav Safra was accepting a much lower price than his final offer, asked him why. Rav Safra explained, “In my mind, I had already decided after hearing your first offer to accept the original amount offered.”

Most people are raised valuing the concept of “keeping your word.” Unfortunately, modern society seems to have all but forgotten this ideal; in fact, in some cultures a signed contract is only a basis for opening a new negotiation.

In general, this notion of being “a man (or woman) of your word” is seen as being morally binding because, once you give your word, someone else has ownership over your expected performance. In other words, based on your commitments they make decisions and commitments of their own.

However, we see from the Talmud that there is really a much more profound reason for keeping your word. The story that Rashi cites has seemingly nothing at all to do with keeping your word. After all, Rav Safra was silent the entire time, he never committed to a price. Why was Rav Safra bound to fulfill the price that he had only agreed to in his mind?

The answer is that there is a much higher truth to which we are ALL bound – we are obligated to be truthful to ourselves. We don’t have to live up to our word because someone else has relied on it and made decisions based upon it. We have to fulfill our word because we said it and we have an obligation to ourselves to make it a reality.

This is why the verse says, “speaks truth in his heart.” It has nothing to do with our commitments to other people; the basis for keeping our word is that we owe it to ourselves.

In this week’s Torah reading we find the laws related to fulfilling one’s commitments.

“Moses spoke to the heads of the tribes of the Jewish people saying, ‘This is the matter that Hashem commanded: If a man takes a vow to Hashem or takes an oath imposing an obligation on himself, he shall not break his pledge; he must carry out all that has crossed his lips’” (Numbers 30:2-3).

Judaism takes a very serious approach to making vows and commitments. Indeed, an entire tractate of the Talmud, Nedarim, deals with the laws of vows. If one vows to do something – or conversely to not do something – he must keep his word. Violation of vows is considered a serious infraction in Jewish thought.

While there are examples in the Torah of individuals making vows, by the rabbinic period the practice was discouraged. The Talmud states that the punishment for breaking a vow is the death of one’s children. The Shulchan Aruch (Code of Jewish Law) explicitly warns people not to regularly make vows, and states that someone who does – even if they fulfill the vow – is called wicked and a sinner. Many observant Jews have the practice of saying “b’li neder” (“without a vow”) whenever they promise to do something, in order make an explicit articulation that they are not making a vow.

Anyone who believes in God has to understand that our lives are not solely our own, we have responsibilities and commitments to Him and to others. We are merely stewards for our physical beings. Our responsibility to ourselves lies in the obligation to the Almighty; if we fail ourselves we are failing Him as well. This is why the Talmud calls people like Rav Safra “those who truly have an awe for God.” The commitments we make to ourselves and to others carry a lot of responsibility.

In this way, we don’t own ourselves. We are in this world as a gift of kindness from the Almighty. Just because we are, for the most part, able to control what happens to our bodies doesn’t mean that we can do whatever we want with them. This is also one of the fallacies of the “pro-choice” movement – our bodies aren’t our own to do with as we please. In fact, even in American law, society is empowered to prevent a person from harming themselves – even against their will. Forced hospitalization is legal for suicidal individuals; why? If a person has the right to choose what they want to do with their body (and life) why should the rest of society care or intervene?

The answer is that our bodies and our very lives have sanctity, even if an emotionally impaired or mentally ill person doesn’t recognize it at the moment. Thus, society has accepted the responsibility of protecting a person from himself. There is not enough room in this column for a full treatment on the issue of abortion; I am merely pointing out that the term “pro-choice” should be irrelevant to the conversation.

(However, the atrocities that are performed on minors for “gender re-assignment” in certain states is quite relevant. It is astonishing how we don’t trust a minor to vote or drink or even get a tattoo, yet we permit them to make unalterable changes to their physical bodies. Do you remember everything you went through as an adolescent? Do you remember your insecurities and overall confusion? Would you want that version of yourself to determine the rest of your life? It’s ludicrous.)

The heavy responsibilities associated with vows are why the subject is so central to the Yom Kippur service. We begin a day dedicated to prayer by acknowledging that our words are a powerful way of committing ourselves. Furthermore, we understand that even within the commitments we make to ourselves we have an obligation to Hashem. Only when we internalize the momentousness of the obligation that comes with giving our word can we commit to fulfilling our word. This is the very essence of Yom Kippur, a day that we spend committing ourselves to being better people, and this why we begin with Kol Nidrei – All Vows.

We must acknowledge that the highest obligation of keeping one’s word is being truthful and faithful to oneself. We mustn’t let our petty desires abrogate the obligation that we owe ourselves to become better people; morally, physically, and dependably. By taking this to heart, we will strengthen our relationship with ourselves, be able to live up to our word, and go on to achieve wondrous things

Mattos-Masei, Numbers 30:2 - 36:13

Mattos includes the laws of making and annulling vows, the surprise attack on Midian (the 1967 War wasn’t the Jewish people’s first surprise attack!) in retribution for the devastation the Midianites wreaked upon the Jewish people, the purification after the war of people and vessels, dedicating a portion of the spoils to the communal good (perhaps the first Federation campaign), the request of the tribes of Reuben and Gad for their portion of land to be east of the Jordan river (yes, Trans-Jordan/Jordan is also part of the Biblical land of Israel). Moses objects to the request because he thinks the tribes will not take part in the conquering of the land of Israel; the tribes clarify that they will be the advance troops in the attack and thus receive permission.

Masei commands Moses to attack the Midianites in retribution for the licentious plot the Midianites perpetrated upon the Israelites. A new census is taken of the Jewish people revealing that there are 601,730 men available for army duty. God directs the division of the Land of Israel amongst the tribes. The Levites are tallied. The daughters of Tzelafchad come forward to petition Moses regarding their right of inheritance. Moses inquires of the Almighty, Who answers in their favor.