Debate Like a Mensch

The Mishna teaches that there are "seven traits that characterize a cultivated individual" — and they all involve how we communicate (See Ethics of the Fathers 5:9). Imagine the upcoming presidential debate if Biden and Trump would take these pointers to heart.

1. Don’t begin speaking before someone who is greater in wisdom or years. Can you imagine the stony silence that would ensue after each question from the moderator as each candidate graciously assumed the superior wisdom of the other? "You know Jim, I'm going to let the president field that one first as he obviously has a lot more experience with it than I do." How refreshing would that be? Far too many of us are overconfident in our level of knowledge and intelligence. If we listened more and opined less, we would all be better off.

2. Don’t interrupt. It's a basic courtesy to let someone finish what they're saying before you begin your witty retort. Sadly, this one is a staple of modern debating. Protests of "that's not accurate!" "he's gone over his time limit” may score tough-guy points with some viewers, but it's in poor taste and is just plain rude. Eye-rolling and contemptuous snorting would also fall into this category. There are few verbal gestures as dismissive as simply not allowing your interlocutor to speak. Stephen Covey had it right when he suggested that we should "seek first to understand, then be understood." It's the way of a dignified communicator.

3. Don’t answer impetuously. This one is partially responsible for those embarrassing "gotcha" moments when the candidate inadvertently goes on record saying precisely the opposite of what he said at an earlier juncture. Closer to home, how often do we get asked for advice on weighty topics, which we consider for all of 30 seconds before giving an answer that may irrevocably alter someone's life. One of the things that Jews atone for on Yom Kippur is giving bad advice. Dignified individuals should take it very seriously.

4. Stay on subject and answer accurately. I doubt that there has ever been a debate that didn't feature a failure on this front. When one of them doesn't want to talk about a question he's been asked, he simply begins answering a question that wasn't posed—something he does want to discuss. It’s not only rude, it also prevents the viewers from hearing their honest viewpoints and sentiments. How can we fairly decide on a candidate if we're not privy to their genuine positions?

This trait also surfaces in normal conversations as well. If you ever find yourself unfurling your laundry list of grievances during a row with your spouse, recounting things that occurred years ago and have no bearing on the topic at hand, then this applies to you. One of the secrets to having a great marriage is to keep it on topic during a disagreement. It's a sign of an emotionally mature (and intellectually honest) person.

5. Discuss "first things first and last things last." When someone asks a series of questions, it's appropriate to assume a relevance to the order and to carefully answer in kind. This shows a) that you paid attention and b) that you care about what was asked.

6. Have the humility to say you don’t know. The Talmud instructs us that we should "teach our mouths to say 'I don't know.'" Most people are extremely uncomfortable having no information on a topic and thus no opinion to offer. As such, we all have personal experience with folks who feel perfectly at liberty to pontificate on every and any topic -- wholly unburdened by the fear of humiliation in as much as they seem to possess the totality of human knowledge. Presidents are expected to be intellectual jacks of all trades and so can easily fall victim to this one as well.

7. Acknowledge the truth. In a disagreement, especially after a great deal of emotional energy has been expended defending a position, it's very tough to own up to being wrong. That's why we so often find ourselves, knowing full well that the other person is correct, vociferously defending our position as doggedly as the Allies at the Siege of Bastogne. It's a sign of great humility—and so of great character—to admit one's error and move on, which is why it's as rare as it is impressive.

At a time when the truth and basic civil discourse are crumbling, being a mensch has become a bold act of defiance. If our politicians won't do it, we still can, and we'll all be better off for it.