Why Happiness Feels So Elusive

Happiness isn’t something that simply “happens” to us. It’s a living, breathing practice — a daily choice that takes awareness, intention, and the right habits to sustain. And yet, even with our best efforts, joy can feel like it’s always slipping just out of reach.

Subtle patterns in how you think and live could be keeping happiness at arm’s length.

Here are four of the most common habits that make joy so hard to hold onto — and how to finally break free from them.

1. You think happiness is around the corner.

Many people believe that the next chapter in their life will finally bring them happiness – getting that promotion, getting married, buying that home.

But if you can’t find happiness where you are right now, it is unlikely that you’ll find joy somewhere or sometime else.

Glennon Doyle calls this “horizon living.” She writes in We Can Do Hard Things, “I have known for a long time that I live this kind of horizon living. I’m always looking beyond, always planning, always excited about the life that is next, but never arriving there. Never living now. That’s what I’m doing in my horizon living: loving the version of my life I can imagine in the future, the life I can work toward, but not loving the life that is here in front of me right now.”

Instead, find the blessings and the beauty in where you are today.

2. You think you need to always be ‘positive.’

You may think that in order to be happy you need to constantly think positive thoughts and be at peace with everything around you. You should never be sad, frustrated or disappointed.

But true joy actually resides in being able to feel the full range of human emotions. As King Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes,  “Everything has an appointed season, and there is a time for every matter under the heaven... A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time of wailing and a time of dancing” (3:1, 4).

Instead of trying to feel positive when something challenging is happening in your life, try to see the meaning and the growth opportunity created by the harder times in life. It’s impossible to feel happy and positive all the time. Don’t force yourself to feel better right away. Focus on the blessing that all of our feelings are temporary and have a time and a place to rise and pass.

3. You believe that money can buy happiness.

Many people say that they know that money can’t buy happiness, but the only ones who seem to truly believe it are the billionaires who tried and failed to buy a happy life.

When happiness is dependent on obtaining something materialistic, it eventually leads to frustration when you finally get the thing and somehow you still have the same problems you had yesterday.

Money can buy temporary pleasure and comfort but research on long lasting joy and life fulfillment reveals to us that working every day to be competent, autonomous and purpose-driven are the real keys to joy. You will never find one ‘thing’ that will solve happiness for you, but there are many choices you can make every day that will bring you closer to a fulfilling life.

4. You focus on yourself instead of others.

In a culture obsessed with self-care, self-growth, self-promotion and selfies, it seems counterintuitive to turn your focus towards others. Doesn’t happiness mean taking care of yourself first?

Research shows that giving to others leads to fulfillment and joy. Those who chose to use the money researchers gave them to buy something for someone else (even if it was for a stranger) instead of themselves felt more joy not only in the moment but for days afterwards.

Being a part of your community and giving consistently to others are the biggest predictors of life satisfaction and happiness. Find a way to connect to something that transcends yourself. Focus on the values that are meaningful to you. And know that it feels hard to be happy every day because it is hard to be happy.