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We assume there will always be time to say thank you, I’m sorry or I love you. A new book makes the case for five letters worth writing now.
We tend to live as if there will always be another chance to say what really matters. Frish Brandt, author of the new book Unfinished Business: Writing the 5 Essential Letters of Your Life, wants us to know that the chance doesn’t always come again: “The time is now. What are we waiting for?”
Her book explores how writing five essential letters can help you heal, deepen your relationships, express gratitude and find closure. We all carry the weight of things left unsaid. We assume the people we love know how much they mean to us. We put off the hard apology, dodge the difficult conversation and leave our gratitude unspoken. Brandt suggests letter writing as a way to express those feelings, reflect on your relationships and face what you’ve left unsaid.
Here are the five letters everyone should write.
This letter is about recognizing what others have given you. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks taught: “Gratitude is the single best antidote to aging, to bitterness, to resentment and to despair.” The more specific the gratitude, the more powerful it is.
A meaningful thank-you letter describes what someone did, why it mattered to you and how it changed you. Deciding who to write to can help you notice the people whose contributions you may have been taking for granted. Who deserves a thank-you from you that you’ve never expressed?
This letter lets you take responsibility for anything you’ve said or done that hurt someone. As psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel teaches: “What moves us from rupture toward repair? Not regret, but accountability.”
A sincere apology goes beyond explaining your intentions. It means acknowledging the consequences of your actions, owning them and expressing regret without demanding forgiveness. Closure can come without reconciliation, so a letter can help even if the person has died, can’t respond or isn’t safe to contact.
Is there an apology you’ve been putting off until the time feels right?
This letter gives you a chance to express your longing for someone and acknowledge how deeply you feel their absence. Your memories of that person are precious, and they shape your future in ways you may not even realize. As writer and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel wrote in his book Night: “For in the end, it is all about memory, its sources and its magnitude and, of course, its consequences.”
You might miss someone who has passed away, someone you’ve lost touch with, or someone still in your life who feels emotionally or physically distant. Putting that longing into words can show you how much the relationship matters to you, and let that person know the impact they’ve truly had on you.
Who do you miss but avoid reaching out to?
This letter is about telling the people you love what really matters while you still can. As psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl wrote: “The salvation of man is through love and in love.” The people closest to you may not feel your love through actions alone. Sometimes they need to hear the words. This letter is your chance to tell someone what you cherish about them, how they’ve shaped your life and what they mean to you.
What do the people you love still not know about how you feel?
This letter helps you make room for endings. In Hebrew, one word means hello, good-bye and peace: shalom. Perhaps this teaches us that every beginning holds a whisper of an end, and every ending holds a way to begin again. Both can be filled with peace when we accept them on life’s terms.
Good-byes are simply part of life, whether they come from a changed relationship, a death, a separation or the end of a stage of life. Writing this letter can help you express love, grief and mixed feelings, and name what you want to carry with you into the next chapter.
What good-bye, or acceptance of an ending, have you been avoiding?
Brandt reminds us: “It’s not about writing the perfect letter, it’s about writing your letter.” Don’t wait until you have the right words. You don’t need to know exactly what to say in order to begin. Perhaps some of the unfinished business in your life is a feeling you’ve never expressed rather than a task you’ve never completed.
One of the most common regrets people have is: If only I had reached out when I had the chance. Start with one letter. Write it today. What are you waiting for?
