Top 10 Jokes about Chelm.
Welcome to Chelm!
Jews are known for being by and large intelligent people. But this is not entirely accurate. There are plenty of us who put the rest of us to shame. Perhaps this is why we love to tell stories of the famed village of Chelm – you know, the one that is filled with people of highly suspect intelligence. The resident of Chelm who displays these characteristics best, the Mayor of Chelm if you will, goes by the name “Chaim Yankel.” So without further ado, here are the top ten jokes about Chelm and Chaim Yankel.
1. Chelm Redux
Two men from Chelm were watching the 11:00 news featuring a story about a guy jumping off of a bridge.
Chaim says to Yankel “I bet you $10 he jumps."
Yankel says, "Okay, I bet you $10 he doesn't jump."
They watch the rest of the broadcast. The guy jumps so Yankel goes to give Chaim the money.
Chaim says "I can't take your money, I saw the 10 O’clock news and they showed the same story."
Yankel says "So did I but I didn't think he would jump again!!!"
2. Chelm’s First Medical Student
Chaim Yankel, a resident of Chelm, made his neighbors proud by being the first member of his town to be accepted into medical school.
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of the medical students.
"As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Chaim Yankel, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders Chaim Yankel, "I suppose I'd limp too.
3. Chelm’s Walk in Clinic
Dr. Goldstein opened a walk in clinic in the famed city of Chelm. Dr. Goldstein’s first patient, a fellow named Chaim Yankel walked in and said, "Doctor, I hurt all over."
"That's impossible," Dr. Goldstein said.
"No, really!" Chaim Yankel, "Just look -- when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts.”
“I know for a fact that your body is fine,” said Dr. Goldstein.
“How could you know such a thing?” asked Chaim Yankel, shocked.
Dr. Goldstein replied, "Because your finger is broken."
4. Chaim Yankel is a Father
Chaim Yankel was a new father! His wife Ruchie decided to leave the new baby with him for the day while she went out to do some shopping. When Ruchie returned, she went to check on the baby. The smell was overpowering. She found the disposable diaper full and leaking. She was furious!
She confronted her husband, "Chaim Yankel! What’s the matter with you? Didn't you bother to check the baby's diaper all day?"
Chaim Yankel responded, "Why you are so angry! The box says it's good for up to eight pounds!"
5. Chaim Yankel's Funeral Home
The Epsteins were mourning the passing of their beloved Bubbie Bayla. Bubbie Bayla always had a soft spot for Chaim Yankel, a perpetually unsuccessful businessman in their community who had recently opened a funeral home, so the Epsteins decided to give him the business.
When it was time to settle the account, David Epstein marched into Chaim Yankel's office, livid.
"Calm down Mr. Epstein," said Chaim Yankel. "You don't need to get do upset!'
"I don't?" replied David Epstein. "Would you be upset if you received a bill from the funeral home, where on the bottom of the receipt it reads, 'Thank you. Please come again'"?
6. Chaim Yankel’s Flowers
Chaim Yankel recently opened up a flower shop and he was trying his best to win new customers, although he always seemed to get himself in trouble.
One day an angry man came storming into his store. “What the heck is going on here?” he demanded. “I just lost one of my main clients and it’s your fault!”
“Why don’t you calm down a bit sir” said Chaim Yankel. “Explain to me what exactly happened.”
“Well,” said the man “My biggest client, Abe Cohen, moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “congratulations.”
He calls me up and says to me, “What’s the big deal with sending me flowers with a note that says ‘My condolences’?!”
“Are you sure your client's name is Abe Cohen and not Abe Epstein?” asked Chaim Yankel.
“Oh, well I guess now I know why I got that nasty message from the funeral parlor.”
7. Chaim Yankel’s Inheritance
John walked into work and saw his co-worker Chaim Yankel looking particularly sour. “Hey what’s wrong buddy?” he asked.
Chaim Yankel looked up with a forlorn expression on his face. “You remember last month how my great aunt passed on and left me $2,000?”
“Yes,” said John nodding his head.
“And you remember how the month before my great uncle passed on and left me $5000?”
“Uh huh” said David again.
“Well this month is almost over,” said Chaim Yankel with a wave of his hand, “and…NOTHING!”
8. Chaim Yankel’s Overdue Appointment
Chaim Yankel was overdue for his appointment with Dr. Epstein so Dr. Epstein called him at home to check up on him. “Chaim Yankel!” said Dr. Epstein. “You're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders like yours require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?
“I was just following your orders, Dr. Epstein,” replied Chaim Yankel.
“What are you talking about?” asked Dr. Epstein. “I gave you no such order.”
“Sure you did,” replied Chaim Yankel. “You told me to avoid people who cause me stress and irritate me.”
9. Chaim Yankel’s Bad Day
Chaim Yankel was sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big biker sits next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. Poor Chaim Yankel starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," Chaim Yankel says between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!"
10. Chaim Yankel’s Wife is in Labor!
Chaim Yankel called the doctor in Chelm and shouted frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"What kind of question is that?!" Chaim Yankel shouted. "This is her husband!"