The Six Types of Difficult Spouses

Marriage requires work, and some partners are easier to work with than others. Here are six prototypes of difficult spouses and strategies for working with each one to create a successful marriage. This article is not offering help with toxic, mentally unstable, or abusive spouses.* Rather, our aim is to categorize some difficult behaviors that everyone may display at times and how they can be managed.

1. The Self-Centered Spouse

Your spouse may display selfish behavior, or have trouble recognizing that you have needs as well. Unfortunately, our society often fosters and rewards self-serving, narcissistic behavior, considering them needed traits to succeed. Because it’s nearly impossible to switch off these tendencies in the domestic arena, many marriages consist of one or both spouses that each have trouble seeing past their own needs.

It’s important to open up the lines of communication regarding this aspect of a relationship. For example, you might consider bringing up a recent incident at a later time when you’re both calm. “When I was driving last week, I felt like a chauffeur when you were texting other people during most of the drive. Each time I tried to engage you in conversation, I could tell I was irritating you and interrupting. I felt like an outsider instead of a partner.”

After expressing your feelings, you can then suggest something you could both do to exhibit more consideration in the relationship.

• Start with yourself. Be the example of what you want from your spouse. If you want him to be unselfish, spend a week consciously expressing yourself, and doing things for him, in his preferred love language. After a week or two, share a few examples of what you did and ask him if he would consider reciprocating.
• Suggest that each of you spend five minutes a day doing something for the other, log it at the end of the week, and share your results openly.

2. The Emotional (or Non-Emotional) Spouse

This spouse may have trouble expressing emotions, or explode with emotion inappropriately. She might bring a lot of negative energy to the relationship. Try to create space to allow her to feel her feelings, while simultaneously creating a boundary that doesn’t allow her to express her emotions negatively toward you.

You can say something like, “I see you are really upset about Jonathan’s teacher, but I don't want to take blame for someone else’s mistake. I really want to be available to you, but I think you might need a few minutes to calm down.”

• If she is unable to express emotion, you can let her know that you would love to connect in a more vulnerable way. Offer to play a relationship game that promotes opening up in a safe way.
• Keep an anger journal for one week. At the end of the week share your successes and failures. Then provide clear and measurable suggestions for one another.

3. The Irresponsible Spouse

You spouse may be childish, irresponsible, immature or non-committal. Perhaps he is a big spender, squandering what you have both built up financially.

One student confided that her husband had committed financial infidelity by spending all their savings and placing them into deep debt. Enabling their behavior is detrimental but acting as the parent in the relationship is also not effective and can create feelings of resentment and shame in your partner.

If your spouse's behavior is not extreme, try to stay in your lane as much as possible and do what you can to be responsible. Every person comes into a marriage with previous schemas of how things work within a marriage. Your spouse may have grown up where the division of labor was very clear and traditional household roles were perpetuated. You may want to consider having a discussion about spousal duties, and what your expectations are when it comes to chores, finances, and a timely completion of household responsibilities.

• You can set mini goals for both of you to achieve. A budget can easily be set with an app, computer program, or the help of an outside financial advisor.
• Create one new habit and stick to it. Never underestimate the power of a small habit change. It can create a domino effect and increase self-esteem.

4. The Critical Spouse

You may have a spouse who is highly critical, or it seems like nothing pleases her. Your spouse may continuously critique your hair, clothing or weight. Name calling is never okay and contempt is what John Gottman labels the worst of the four horsemen of destruction in marriage (the other three being Defensiveness, Criticism, and Stonewalling). When you feel that your spouse doesn’t think much of you, it can be detrimental to your self-esteem and the overall relationship.

• It’s important to set boundaries with this spouse. You can state behavior you cannot accept and will not tolerate, and lay out what you would like to see instead. For example, “Please don’t speak to me with that sharp tone. I would like to be spoken to with respect.”
• Try not to respond to their critical behavior with more negativity. Instead model respectful speech and treat her with respect, even if, at first, it isn’t reciprocated.

5. The Poor Communicator

Stonewalling – being obstructive by, shutting down, screaming, or reacting with passive aggressive behavior are all unhelpful forms of communication.

Marriage requires you to discuss uncomfortable or difficult topics that may take time to resolve. Avoiding them or putting a quick verbal band-aid over it will only make it worse over time.

Communication is all about creating a safe space to allow for vulnerable and uncomfortable conversation. There are many tools you can implement to foster and improve communication:

• Communicate with love and attention. Make sure you each allow the other to speak and reflect back what you heard so you both feel safe and understood. Most problems will melt away when your spouse feels heard, understood, and loved. Real intimacy can emerge from even the most difficult conversations.
• Use “I” statements to express feelings rather than pointing fingers. Sandwich negative statements with something complimentary before and after, giving positive feedback for things that you do appreciate, and never say “never” or “always.” This just puts your partner on the defensive.

6. The Ungrateful Spouse

The ungrateful spouse seems insatiable and does not express his appreciation to you. Perhaps your attempts to help your spouse are met with silence. After driving the children to school, taking out the overflowing garbage, tucking in the children, or working at a job you hate, you may think, don’t they see how much I do?

• Experiment by thanking your spouse at least once a day for something specific. After a month of doing so, ask him if he noticed any change in you, and discuss what you did. Then you can ask him if he would be interested in joining you in this pursuit.
• Try thanking each other once a day for a week, and share your conclusions at the end of the week.

There are many prototypes of difficult spouses, but we must remember that sometimes, we too, may be the difficult spouse, exhibiting some of the above-mentioned behaviors. This underscores the fact that these are behaviors, and not necessarily intractable personality traits and, as such, can be changed with guidance, patience, understanding, and love, thereby improving your marriage and yourself.

*Remember, you are not your spouse’s therapist. If their behavior is too extreme or pattern-like, seek outside counseling.