The Psychology of Forgiveness: A Yom Kippur Guide to Inner Freedom

Yom Kippur asks you to do something difficult. It asks you to forgive because holding on to resentment ties you to the past, while forgiveness opens the door to a new year and a return to your truest and best self.

Torah and psychology teach that forgiveness is not about excusing what happened. It’s about reframing your past narratives, recognizing your strength, and seeing your future as full of possibilities.

Below are five evidence-based ways that can guide your forgiveness this Yom Kippur.

1. Forgiveness Can Transform a Victim Narrative

Psychologists have found that the way people interpret painful events shapes how much they affect them.¹ People who reframe difficult experiences as part of a growth story show more resilience.²

Forgiveness helps you say: “This happened to me, but it does not define me.”

Judaism teaches this through the story of Joseph. He tells his brothers, “You intended harm, but God intended it for good” (Genesis 50:20). He does not deny the hurt; he reframes the meaning.

Forgiveness is not pretending. It is choosing a story that lets you move forward.

Tip: Write down the story you have been telling yourself about the hurt. Then rewrite it with one shift: focus on what you learned, strengthened, or discovered about yourself. Even a minor reframing helps to loosen the grip of the original narrative.

2. Forgiving Others Supports Self‑Forgiveness

There is a strong link between forgiving others and forgiving yourself. In her work on self-compassion, Kristin Neff shows that people who judge others harshly also tend to judge themselves harshly.³ When you relax your stance toward others, you also help to quiet the inner critic that keeps you stuck in shame.

Yom Kippur depends on this. We ask God to forgive us, but we also need to emulate mercy. When you allow others to be human and fallible, you allow yourself to be human and fallible too.

Tip: When someone else makes a mistake, practice saying one sentence: “People are human.” Repeat it when you make a mistake. This builds the mental habit of compassion in both directions.

3. Forgiveness Becomes Easier When You See the Story as Part of God’s Plan

We do not know God’s plan, but people cope better when they see their challenges as part of a larger narrative. You shift from “Why did this person do this to me?” to “What is God inviting me to learn or strengthen?” This way, forgiveness becomes less about the offender and more about your own spiritual path.

This does not justify the hurt. It simply places it in a much larger story, one that is held by God and not by the person who hurt you.

Tip: Ask yourself, “If this were part of a larger plan, what might it be teaching me?” You do not need to know the answer. The question itself shifts your perspective from control to meaning.

4. Perspective‑Taking Reduces Emotional Intensity

When people try to understand the offender’s perspective, even briefly, they are more likely to forgive them.⁴ Perspective‑taking works because it encourages the consideration of situational factors. It also helps people to step outside their own pain.

Similarly, Judaism teaches dan l’kaf zechut, which is judging others favorably. You cannot fully understand what another person is experiencing. But you can choose a calm, balanced stance of restraint and empathy toward them.

Tip: Try a one-minute exercise: consider a person who upset you recently. Try to imagine their life for a moment. Understand that their behavior comes from their own struggles. This lowers the emotional intensity, allowing you to think more clearly and calmly.

5. Forgiveness Reduces the Harm of Anger

Research shows that forgiveness reduces anger and feelings of hostility.⁵

Judaism has long taught that anger damages the person who carries it. The Rambam writes: “Anger is an exceedingly bad trait, and it is proper for a person to distance himself from it to the utmost” (Laws of Character Development, 2:3).

Forgiveness is a way to step back from anger. It protects your wellbeing from being imprisoned in emotional turmoil.

Tip: Write a letter to the person whose actions left you feeling hurt and angry. Say everything you need to say. Then destroy the letter. As you do, say quietly, “I am releasing this anger from my heart.”

Yom Kippur does not ask you to erase the past. It asks you to stop carrying it. Forgiveness is a gift of inner freedom, allowing you to walk into the new year with greater clarity, resilience, and peace.

1. McAdams, D. P., & McLean, K. C. (2013). Narrative Identity. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(3), 233-238. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721413475622
2. Gutman, L. M. (2025). Resilience: Bouncing Forward with Jewish Wisdom and Psychological Science. Available on Amazon.
3. Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. Hachette UK.
4. Takaku, S., Weiner, B., & Ohbuchi, K.-I. (2001). A Cross-Cultural Examination of the Effects of Apology and Perspective Taking on Forgiveness. Journal of Language and Social Psychology, 20(1-2), 144-166. https://doi.org/10.1177/0261927X01020001007
5. Watson, H., Rapee, R., & Todorov, N. (2017). Forgiveness Reduces Anger in a School Bullying Context. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 32(11), 1642-1657. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260515589931