Why Were the Graves of So Many Jewish GIs Marked by a Cross?
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The transformative power of genuine love.
In relationships, we often face the temptation to control—thinking if we could only steer our partner’s behavior, everything would be perfect. But control, as appealing as it seems, is never a good thing. In fact, it’s just an illusion. As William Glasser, the founder of Reality Therapy, put it, “The only person whose behavior we can control is our own.”
We can control our thoughts, actions, and even influence our emotions, but trying to control others is a recipe for frustration and disconnection.
Judaism offers profound insight into this dilemma. Each person is born with the gift of bechirah chofshit, free will. Maimonides (Mishneh Torah, Laws of Repentance) emphasizes that our choices belong entirely to us, and no one else can make decisions on our behalf. This means that while we may deeply desire for our loved ones to change in certain ways, the power of choice is theirs alone. The only real control we have is over our own actions, thoughts, and responses.
The only real control we have is over our own actions, thoughts, and responses. Accepting this truth forms the foundation of any healthy relationship.
Accepting this truth forms the foundation of any healthy relationship. When we recognize that we cannot change others, we free ourselves from frustration and disappointment.
We cannot change our partners but we can influence them. Influence is born out of acceptance, love, and genuine care for the other person’s well-being. The moment we accept someone for who they are, we create an environment where they feel safe and loved. This nurtures their desire to grow, not because of pressure but because they feel seen and supported.
When one partner makes peace with their spouse’s imperfections, something amazing happens: the partner begins to change — not because they were forced to but because they felt loved for who they are. Genuine love has a transformative power. It encourages self-improvement, but the key is that it must come from within the person themselves.
When we believe in someone, we help them access their own potential. This belief fosters an inner strength in the other person, enabling them to rise above their challenges. When we see our partner not through the lens of their flaws, but as someone capable of incredible growth, we influence them in the most profound way.
Acceptance, however, doesn’t mean passivity. We do not have to tolerate behavior that is harmful or hurtful. Healthy relationships require honest communication, where both partners can express their feelings, frustrations, and even disappointments. Assertiveness is crucial here; it is possible to be loving and accepting while also setting clear boundaries.
Assertiveness is not about control—it’s about self-respect. We owe it to ourselves to articulate what we need in a relationship, and sometimes that includes saying “no” to treatment that isn’t acceptable. This isn’t about changing the other person; it’s about respecting ourselves enough to ask for what we need. Healthy communication opens the door for both partners to reflect on their behavior and, potentially, to change.
One of the most challenging parts of relationships is accepting that we cannot force change, even when we know the other person has potential. True growth takes time, patience, and commitment. Change is rarely linear, and often, it feels like a slow, frustrating dance. There are moments when progress is evident, and other times when it feels like nothing is moving at all.
Your thoughts, love, and patience can be the very thing that helps your spouse blossom.
But here’s where belief plays a critical role. As partners, we must hold a vision for what our relationship can become. We need to believe not only in ourselves but also in our partner’s ability to grow. This belief is powerful—it shapes how we treat them and how we communicate. When we see our partner as someone who is continually evolving, we naturally create space for growth to happen.
The work of relationships is about influence, not control. It starts with the hard work of accepting ourselves and our partners exactly as we are—flaws and all. When we love someone for who they are, we create a foundation of trust and safety that encourages growth. Influence isn’t about pushing for change; it’s about believing in the other person’s capacity to evolve, and creating a relationship dynamic where both partners are free to grow into the best versions of themselves.
Remember, the most profound influence you can have on your relationship is what you choose to believe about your partner—your thoughts, love, and patience can be the very thing that helps your spouse blossom.
