28 Lessons I’ve Learned from 28 Years of Marriage

Twenty-eight years go by way too fast. One day you are standing at your chuppah, you blink and suddenly your own children are getting married.

Our marriage has helped me to grow and learn in ways I never could have imagined. Here are 28 lessons that I have learned from 28 years of marriage.

1. Don’t be afraid to say “I need you.” Relying on each other for love and support is healthy. Be willing to be vulnerable; it means you trust your spouse.
2. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with your spouse as long as you find ways to repair and recover.
3. A lot of little things don’t matter as much as you think they do; let go as much as you can so you can focus on the big things.
4. Building a family together is one of the most beautiful and meaningful things you will do with your spouse, but your marriage came before children and it will be there after your children leave home. Put each other first.
5. The person you married two decades ago is not the person sitting across the dinner table with you today, and you wouldn’t want them to be. Everyone changes, appreciate who your spouse is today.
6. Tell your partner what you need. None of us is a mind reader. If you want your spouse to respond to you in a certain way or to give you something, ask them for it.
7. Have your own goals, hobbies and friends. Your spouse is your partner, not your life.
8. Laugh a lot together. Life is too hard to navigate without humor. Your inside jokes and willingness not to take each other too seriously will sometimes be the only thing that will keep you sane.
9. Approach every problem as a team. When it seems like you have run out of options, look again. There is always another way forward.
10. Peace matters far more than perfection in a home. Let some things go and then let some more things go.
11. Date nights are great but sometimes it’s even better to find an activity that you both love doing together. A scenic hike or even a walk in nature can help you talk about topics that are harder to communicate about when you are at home.
12. Want what you have. If you appreciate your spouse for the gifts they bring into your life, one day you will wake up and realize that you love your spouse more than you could have imagined on your wedding day.
13. Don’t keep score. You are not competing with each other. Give everything you can when you can. Your marriage needs to be generous more than it needs to be ‘fair.’
14. Stay curious about your spouse. Routines and familiar conversation topics can block you from seeing each other in a new light. Limit assumptions. Ask questions.
15. Prioritize experiences over things. Shared activities and trips that you enjoy together end up mattering far more than any possessions that you accumulate.
16. Life moves faster than you think. Treasure these years together, you won’t get them back.
17. When you don’t know what to do, find a way to be kind. Marriage is complex but a small act of kindness is simple. Speak softly. Offer a thoughtful favor. Make an unexpected, warm gesture. All of these can transform the atmosphere in your home.
18. Love is something you choose every day. Even the best of relationships require daily nurturing and investment. Each day, when you wake up, you have a choice to love your spouse again today.
19. Expect challenges. Life is full of beautiful chaos and inevitable uncertainties. You may go through seasons in your marriage when you are not sure what to do. Don’t panic. Everyone experiences times like that; you will make it through.
20. Not all problems are solvable, and that’s fine. Not everything about your marriage needs to be perfect for it to grow and thrive.
21. Learn to forgive and apologize quickly. Don’t waste time on resentment.
22. The small things are the big things. Knowing just how your spouse likes their coffee. Picking them up at the airport. Smiling at them across the table.
23. Have fun. Your marriage may depend on shared routines, but you can still have adventures together. Explore new places, expand your horizons.
24. Be responsible for your own moods; your spouse is not your therapist.
25. Respect each other’s interests. You don’t have to like the same things, but you do need to support each other’s goals.
26. Keep your values aligned. Building a shared set of beliefs and priorities is crucial at every stage of marriage.
27. Be humble. You’re not easy to live with either.
28. Appreciate your relationship. A peaceful home is not something to ever take for granted.

After 28 years, a good marriage feels not only like a blessing, it feels like a miracle. Building a life together for so many years brings you not only joy but awe. Awe at the power of love. Awe at the depth of connection that marriage offers us. And awe that after decades together, you love each other more every day.