Living In A Prolonged Nightmare

Like many, I awoke on October 7th engulfed in what felt like a nightmare, overwhelmed with mourning for individuals I had never met, yet with whom I shared an indescribable connection. The grief was devastating, as if I had been run over by a bus, leaving me to grapple with the horror experienced by those who perished and the agony of the survivors. Despite being thousands of miles away, they felt incredibly close, both in my heart and in my very being.

It felt as though the world itself had shifted beneath me. While Jewish people everywhere grieved, it was as if we were being kicked while already down, like one feels after being assaulted and then blamed for their victimization. It brought to mind a young girl, violated by her stepfather, who was then accused of lying or somehow being at fault. I found myself drawing parallels to how my ancestors must have felt in Nazi Germany—watching as the world, their government, strangers, and eventually friends turned against them. They were unjustly labeled, herded into camps, and treated worse than criminals without having committed any crimes.

I found myself drawing parallels to how my ancestors must have felt in Nazi Germany—watching as the world, their government, strangers, and eventually friends turned against them.

This journey through grief, misunderstanding, and hatred has been a harrowing reminder of the resilience required to navigate such a world as a Jew. Yet, it has also rekindled a sense of unity and strength within me, rooted in the enduring spirit of my people. Through the darkness, Jews continue seeking light, understanding, and, above all, peace.

As a mental health professional, I often try to reframe struggles as an opportunity for growth, as a way we can focus on ourselves and the changes we can make to learn and grow. But I won't sugarcoat it: we are living through a period fraught with unprecedented challenges. The Jewish community globally is confronting a unique array of difficulties, from the surge in antisemitism and the ongoing conflict in Israel to the proliferation of false narratives. Moreover, we all face the daily stresses that impact everyone.

In such times, grasping how to manage our emotional and psychological well-being becomes more crucial than ever. This understanding is particularly vital because our responses to these stresses can profoundly influence our family relationships and personal lives.

Amidst these global concerns, I still have two young daughters to care for, along with the stresses and responsibilities my job entails. Recognizing how we each individually react to stress and anxiety can be immensely beneficial in finding strength and navigating life's tumultuous waters. For example, my energy levels surge when I'm anxious, propelling me into action. At first glance, this might not seem problematic. However, actions driven by anxiety may not always benefit us or our relationships. If, in my eagerness to combat antisemitism and support Israel, I were to disregard my family and life commitments, the imbalance could be detrimental.

Acknowledging my tendency to spring into action, I realized the importance of pausing to deliberate on how I could contribute meaningfully without exhausting myself or neglecting my family and work obligations. This realization underscores why it's helpful to identify and comprehend the common behaviors we might default to during anxious times. Instead of doing what we usually do to ease anxious times, we can slow down, work on self-regulation, and focus on managing ourselves in a troubled world.

Below are behaviors driven by anxiety that humans often resort to as short-term fixes, paired with insights on managing anxiety more effectively. By shifting our focus from the turmoil of the world to better self-management and clarity on actionable steps we can take, we can emerge as stronger individuals and a more resilient community.

1. Over-focusing on the problem: This entails obsessing over the issue at hand to the exclusion of other responsibilities, viewpoints or potential solutions. While acknowledging and understanding the situation is crucial, dwelling on it excessively can heighten our anxiety. To balance your perspective, broaden your focus to include possible solutions. Stay present, concentrate on aspects within your control, and seek support from others.

2. Avoidance: Avoidance can take many forms, from completely ignoring an issue to using substances like alcohol or drugs to numb the anxiety. While this may offer temporary relief, it typically exacerbates the problem in the long run. Though challenging, facing the issue without getting overly involved is often the first step toward resolving it. Small, manageable steps toward addressing the concern can make the process less overwhelming.

3. Fluctuating between over- and under-functioning:

Overfunctioners tend to gain energy in response to anxiety, often taking control and making decisions, sometimes even for others. This can lead to burnout and resentment if not managed.

Underfunctioners lose energy and may withdraw or become indecisive. This can result in feelings of helplessness or reliance on others to solve problems.

Balancing your approach by knowing when to step up and when to step back is crucial in managing anxiety. It's important for both over-functioners and under-functioners to set boundaries, practice self-focus, and prioritize what is truly important to them.

4. Encountering conflict: Anxiety can heighten reactions, leading to more frequent or intense conflicts. Recognizing when anxiety is fueling a disagreement can help de-escalate the situation. Taking a step back to calm down and approaching conversations with a focus on understanding the other's perspective can be more productive.

5. Creating emotional distance: Withdrawing emotionally can be a defense mechanism against anxiety-inducing situations or discussions. While it might seem protective, it can lead to isolation and misunderstanding. Acknowledging your need for space while also communicating your feelings and needs can help maintain connection even during stress.

Recognizing these patterns is vital for managing our reactions to stress in a more constructive manner. With the additional stressors impacting our Jewish community, it's inevitable that our mental health and relationships will feel the strain. By understanding our tendencies, we have the power to choose responses that not only support our well-being but also strengthen our relationships and enhance our community, particularly during times of anxiety.

This idea reflects the wisdom of Rabbi Hillel: "If I am not for myself, who will be for me?" While this quote underscores the importance of self-reliance, it goes deeper, advocating for self-compassion and the recognition of our own needs and strengths as tools for overcoming adversity. It highlights the critical role of focusing on ourselves as the foundation for facing challenges.

Judaism reminds us that God believes in us even when we find it hard to believe in ourselves. Clinging to this faith can be a guiding light during tumultuous times, suggesting that our connection to the divine can navigate us through any storm. As Elie Wiesel poignantly observed, "In Jewish history, there are no coincidences." In navigating through difficult periods, embracing the belief in a larger plan and purpose amidst life's sorrows encourages us to look beyond what's immediately in front of us. It invites us to discover the meaningful connections that link events and experiences, guiding us toward growth and our authentic selves.