Iran’s Attack on Israel
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Practical Jewish wisdom on anger management.
Imagine you're in a traffic jam, late for an important meeting, after you dropped off screaming kids at their school and had a fight with your spouse. The car in front of you moves at a snail's pace and your patience wears so thin that you feel your cheeks turning red and tension in your jaw. Anger surges within you, your heart beats faster, and the world turns red. It's an all too familiar scenario. Anger is a potent emotion that can lead you to act in ways you later regret. But how can you manage it effectively?
Jewish wisdom, coupled with insights from psychology, offers a profound approach.
In Judaism, anger is not seen as inherently negative. Instead, it's the expression of anger that matters. The Talmudic Sages warned, "Whoever angers is as if he has performed idolatry," indicating that uncontrolled anger can lead us astray from our true selves. This repeats findings in psychology: it's not anger per se, but how we handle it that can have destructive consequences. Additionally, acting out in anger can be likened to idolatry because it essentially removes God from the equation and can stem from a belief that everything should happen according to one's own will. You may get angry because you want things to go your way instead of keeping God in mind and seeing the bigger picture.
Anger is compared to idolatry because you want things to go your way instead of keeping God in mind and seeing the bigger picture.
In Jewish law, if you hurt someone's feelings—even out of anger—you must apologize in person and ask for forgiveness. This practice encourages self-awareness and accountability, crucial aspects of effective anger management.
Indeed, responding to anger mindfully is pivotal and forms the essence of the Jewish approach. The requirement to apologize suggests that you are not judged solely by your emotional reactions—which can be swift and overpowering—but by your actions in response to these emotions. This sentiment resonates with modern psychological discourse, which advises not to suppress your anger but to express it constructively. Similarly, Jewish law does not forbid anger but directs you towards a better response: acknowledging the impact of your actions and making amends when needed. In the end, it is not the presence of anger that defines you but how you respond to it—how you channel it, control it, and learn from it.
Jewish tradition teaches several strategies to respond to anger. One is to realize that you're not in control of everything. This aligns with psychological principles of acceptance and mindfulness, where acknowledging your limited control can help reduce anger. Another strategy is to give yourself a 'time out'—a moment to step back, breathe, and calm down before responding.
Taking a 'time out' is not just for kids; it's also a valuable tool for adults, especially when managing anger. Removing yourself from the situation is beneficial when you feel the heat rising. This could mean stepping into another room, walking, or briefly closing your eyes. Finding a quiet space to focus on your breath and clear your mind. You can also use this time to reflect on your anger and consider a more constructive response. A 'time out' is not an act of avoidance but rather a deliberate strategy to create a gap between the trigger and your response, allowing anger to subside and rational thought to return.
The Jewish tradition of self-development offers an approach to dealing with anger by cultivating positive qualities. This resonates with cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), a psychological technique that involves reframing negative thought patterns and promoting positive behaviors.
Mussar, a Jewish spiritual discipline, is an age-old practice focusing on personal growth and ethical development. It dates back to the 19th century, originating in Lithuania amid Jewish intellectualism. Mussar delineates a pathway to living in balance with one's inner virtues and traits, such as patience, humility, and gratitude. The goal is to incorporate these virtues into daily life, thereby transforming one's behavior and character.
In psychology, anger is often seen as a signal that something is wrong. It might indicate that your boundaries have been violated, your needs are unmet, or you're facing a perceived threat. Understanding what triggers your anger can help us respond more constructively.
So, how can we bring these Jewish teachings and psychological insights into our everyday lives? Here are suggestions:
1. Practice self-awareness: Notice your bodily sensations, thoughts, and feelings when you get angry. What's triggering it? Can you choose a different response? Being aware of our anger can help us make conscious decisions about how to respond rather than reacting impulsively.
2. Reflect on your values: Using Mussar's teachings of virtues as a guide, think about which value you need to draw upon at the moment. For example, if you feel angry because someone has crossed your boundaries, reflecting on the virtue of patience can help you respond calmly and assertively instead of lashing out in anger.
3. Seek support: Be bold and seek help when needed. Whether it's through therapy, talking to a trusted friend or mentor, or participating in group therapy, having support can be invaluable in navigating difficult emotions like anger.
4. Cultivate humility: Remember the wisdom of the Sages who equated excessive anger with idolatry. We forget our place in the world when we're consumed by anger. Humility helps us to keep things in perspective.
5. Seek reconciliation: If your anger has hurt someone, follow the guidance of Jewish law to seek forgiveness. This not only heals relationships but also fosters personal growth.
Stuck in an infuriating traffic jam, these teachings can help you handle your anger more constructively. When the frustration of the standstill starts to boil over, practice self-awareness. Recognize the tension building within and acknowledge the anger triggered by the delay. Instead of laying on the horn or shouting in frustration, reflect on your values. In this instance, patience can be your guiding virtue, remembering that everyone else in the jam is also stuck and likely equally frustrated.
Seek support, give a friend or loved one a call, if it's safe to do so, to vent your frustrations and distract yourself from the irritation. Cultivate humility, and remind yourself that traffic jams are a normal part of life and that you're just one part of it. Your schedule or needs are not more important than others; everyone's time is equally valuable.
Lastly, if your anger should spill over – perhaps you've shown visible frustration to your spouse or acted rudely towards other drivers – seek reconciliation. Apologizing for your actions to your spouse, or even a simple wave or a nod to other drivers, can mend the momentary rift and foster personal growth. By employing these techniques, you can effectively navigate through bouts of anger, turning potentially explosive situations into opportunities for personal development and emotional growth.
Additionally, the narratives you construct in your mind can significantly impact your emotional responses, including anger. If you tell yourself you're being personally targeted or unfairly treated, you will likely experience heightened anger. Conversely, if you reframe the situation as an unfortunate but non-personal event, you can reduce the intensity of your anger. Recognizing these internal narratives and actively working to alter them can serve as another powerful tool for managing anger effectively.
Remember, managing anger is a journey, not a destination. With patience, practice, and wisdom from Judaism and psychology, we can learn to navigate this powerful emotion more skillfully, leading to healthier relationships and a more balanced life.
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I wish the Israeli government would take your approach in acting while angry with regard to its operation in Gaza. It seems to me that is purely based upon anger and revenge. Based upon your article, it seems to me Bibi is not acting in accordance with Jewish traditions of dealing with one's anger!
Come off it. Bibi and Israel are doing the right thing. In fact theyre being too nice which is putting some IDF soldiers lives in danger.
The war with Hamas is not about anger and not about revenge. Here is an analogy: a nest of poisonous and aggressive snakes is discovered by a playground where your children spend much of their time. The city acts to remove the snakes after many children have been bitten, resulting in a large number of dead or crippled children.
Just as the removal of these snakes is a protective measure against future killed and injured children, so the removal of Hamas is a necessary act for the survival of civilians, both Gazan and Israeli.
Interesting article, I loved reading about how the Jewish approach to anger is similar to what psychology says. Definitely going to try these suggestions.
TRY WAIT
I saw this NY license plate, on a neighbor's car. He told me it is a saying in Hawaii,
to slow down, and try to relax. This may be good advice. On the other hand, endless procrastination can cause stagnation and this can hurt relationships.
I just got advice from the Lubavitch Rebbe on procrastination, on not waiting for a committee approval, 7 min, below. (It may help to turn to RABBIS for advice, and listen to advice from Torah and in Yiddish, or Hebrew, etc.
"To be direct and honest is not safe" (Shakespeare) TNX MUCH Harry