Those Shameful Thoughts and What They Really Say about You
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If you want to really change, ask yourself these key questions.
As we enter the Hebrew month of Elul, a time to prepare for upcoming Jewish New Year, many of us are beginning to think about the changes we would like to make in the coming year. But often it seems we are asking ourselves the wrong questions to set new goals and change old habits.
The quality of our questions determines the quality of the answers. People who are successful at implementing lasting changes often ask different types of questions to determine their priorities and goals. In his article, The Most Important Question of Your Life, Mark Manson writes: “If I ask you, ‘What do you want out of life?’ and you say something like, ‘I want to be happy and have a great family and a job I like,’ it’s so ubiquitous it doesn’t even mean anything. A more interesting question – a question that perhaps you never considered before – is what pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out.”
We can recognize this in our own lives. Everyone wants to have a great family but not everyone is willing to spend years compromising, sacrificing and communicating to build a strong marriage.
Everyone wants to be rich but not everyone is willing to put in the late nights, deal with traffic-filled commutes and navigate the endless stress of office politics.
We want to be in top physical shape but few of us are willing to get up early, put in hard hours at the gym and wake up tomorrow to do it all over again.
Attaining the benefits of something requires wanting the costs. If every year we find ourselves right back where we started, it may be that we are asking ourselves the wrong questions about our lives.
Jewish wisdom teaches us that according to the effort is the reward (Ethics of the Fathers, 5:23) Who you are is shaped by the values and priorities for which you are willing to struggle. Our challenges, especially the ones we willingly choose, determine our successes. So here are four key questions for change.
What is the pain you want to sustain in your life? Don’t ask yourself what you want or what you enjoy or what would make your life better. Ask yourself what you are willing to struggle with every day to reach your goals. What means enough to you that you are willing to go through the process of getting back up again when you inevitably fall on your way? Which costs are you willing to pay? Which tradeoffs are you prepared to accept along your journey?
What is the simplest next step you can take to move forward? Don’t wait until you have figured out a whole plan for the next month or even the next week. If you know what area in your life you truly are willing to work on, then figure out the simplest, smallest next step you can take to begin. We often sabotage ourselves before we can even start to move towards our goals by doing nothing until we have every detail of the change process mapped out. We can spend months figuring out how to change or we can choose the first small change that can move us forward today.
In what areas of your life are you settling? This is the opportune time of year to reflect on all different areas of your life and become aware of where and how you are settling. In the daily rush of life, it is often hard to see where you have become complacent and what it is costing you. Your potential to grow is far greater than you can possibly imagine. Ask yourself where you are settling and what you are willing to do about it.
What haven’t you taken the time to learn about? This is the question you don’t think to ask when trying to change your life because learning may seem like a luxury you don’t have time for. But there is so much, both professionally and spiritually, that you should take the time to learn. Continuous and committed learning will transform your life and help you clarify and expand your goals. It will help you understand yourself and the world in new ways. It will enable you to connect both to your heritage and to your future.
The quality of our questions determines the quality of our lives. In preparation for Jewish New Year let’s ask ourselves: What goals we are willing to sacrifice for? And most importantly: What pain am I willing to sustain in my life today to get me closer to where I want to be tomorrow?
Appreciated the article. CS Lewis wrote a book called ' The Problem Of Pain'.
Joseph, Job etc would have a lot to say on this subject too.
Few of us - actually know what we are willing to commit to - & how much effort - pain etc., we will have to expend - UNTIL - we have to commit to a decision. Other factors will come into play - What's G-D's plan for our commitment - Not knowing what the TRUE REWARD - OUTCOME for our commitment will be - is the commitment based on our desire - or our desire to PLEASE someone else - will others help us achieve our commitment - or be a barrier to accomplishing our goal. Recognizing - what we need to do NOW - as we proceed. Is it a wise decision - or should we look elsewhere - & spend our effort - for some way to fulfill our need for accomplishment?
I think “pain” is too extreme a word. Struggle, commit or sacrifice might have more positive connotations. I have been an amateur athlete, a professional performer, an attorney and most importantly, a wife, mother, sister, friend. While each endeavor or relationship has required struggle, commitment and/or sacrifice, none has caused me real pain. I believe this is my perspective due to the pain I experienced from a health condition, over which I had no control.