This Man Is Addressing the Tuition Crisis, One Family at a Time
4 min read
5 min read
5 min read
4 min read
Kids are wired to want independence. Simple choice-giving can turn conflict into connection.
One of the cutest and most frustrating stages of childhood is when toddlers proudly announce, "I do it myself!"
You're trying to get everyone out the door for camp and your three-year-old insists on packing her own swim bag. She carefully packs her goggles, a toy, and three books—but forgets her bathing suit. You know it would be faster to do it yourself. But that little declaration—"I do it myself!"—is a normal beginning of pushing for independence.
Most people want to be independent. There is something deeply human about wanting to make our own decisions, solve our own problems, and feel capable. I remember my grandmother saying, "I don't mind growing old as long as I can take care of myself.”
In Grace After Meals, we ask God not to become dependent on the gifts of others, and not to feel ashamed or diminished by relying on people. Embedded in that prayer is a recognition that part of our human nature is the yearning to stand on our own feet. It’s an expression of being created in the image of God. Just as God is wholly independent, we desire to be independent. You two-year-old is learning to express that very human need.
Parents often mistake a child's growing independence for stubbornness and defiance.
A toddler insists on carrying the heavy beach bag by himself, even though it keeps dragging on the ground.
Your eight-year-old wants to decide how to spend every dollar of her camp canteen money.
Your teenager is convinced he can plan the family's day trip better than you can.
It feels disrespectful (and exhausting) but they are none of those things. It is just kids practicing the very skills they'll eventually need as adults.
That doesn't mean children should make every decision themselves. They still need guidance and boundaries. But they also need opportunities to feel capable.
A child’s need for independence doesn't eliminate their need for closeness.
The same child who insists on packing his own camp bag may still crawl onto your lap for a story before bed. A teenager who brushes off your suggestions may quietly ask your opinion later that evening. This often leaves us parents scratching our heads. Yet again, it is completely healthy and normal. Children naturally move back and forth between dependence and independence. They need both.
Many of the daily battles we have with our children are really conflicts over independence and control. One of the easiest ways to reduce those struggles is to offer choices.
Choices allow children to experience independence while parents continue to provide the structure and boundaries they need.
Choices work because parents choose the options. Giving children appropriate choices help satisfy their natural desire for independence while keeping parents comfortably in charge.
Children don't need unlimited freedom. They simply need opportunities to practice making decisions.
Here are a few simple ways to build that into everyday life.
Younger children: "Would you like to pack the sunscreen or the snacks for the pool?"
Older children: "Would you rather help set up the barbecue or help clean up afterward?"
Younger children: "Would you like to put on your sunscreen before breakfast or right before we leave?"
Older children: "Are you planning to pack for camp tonight or tomorrow morning?"
Younger children: "Would you like to eat your popsicle on the porch or in the backyard?"
Older children: "Would you rather meet your friends at the park or at our house?"
Younger children: "Would you like to play with the sidewalk chalk or the bubbles?"
Older children: "Would you rather bring a backpack or a duffel bag to camp?"
Every small choice sends the same implicit message: "I believe you can make good decisions."
Of course, our children won't always choose wisely. That's part of learning. But every time we allow them to make an age-appropriate choice, we're giving them another opportunity to practice a skill they'll use for the rest of their lives.
Our goal as parents isn't to raise children who simply follow directions but to raise adults who can think, solve problems, make responsible decisions, and take ownership of their lives. So, every small choice we offer today becomes practice for the much bigger choices our children will face tomorrow.
By giving children appropriate independence within loving boundaries, we're not giving up our authority. We're preparing our children for life, one small choice at a time.
