How to Recognize Your Fears and Make Good Decisions

Do I take the job offer with the higher salary and more stimulating opportunities or the one with the better hours and more meaningful work?

Should I continue dating this person with great qualities who I enjoy spending time with, or should I break up because I’m not feeling particularly wowed or excited?

Would I rather use these free few hours to read, exercise and get some needed rest or to catch up with a close friend I’ve been missing?

Am I interested in spending more money to stay in a luxury hotel, or would I prefer going away for longer and finding accommodations that are less expensive?

Now, more than ever, changing trends in our society have affected our abilities to trust ourselves and our choices. We often become paralyzed as we contemplate how to advance. While developing self- confidence has never been simple, the challenge has been magnified by an abundance of choice and an emphasis on pluralism.

Managing these decisions can be a significant source of stress, worry and regret, from the big ones that determine life’s trajectory (career, marriage, community, children, religious observance) to the innumerable, seemingly inconsequential choices of daily living that determine how we spend our time and money.

How can we feel good about our choices and avoid going down the rabbit hole of obsessive overthinking, unnecessary analysis and painful regret?

Confused about what we want, we survey our friends, make “pro and con” lists and try to determine which decision is right and which is wrong. But most of our decisions in life are between “good and good,” two wonderful but distinct options that speak to us in different ways.

It’s hard to let go of one appealing option as we move forward with another.

There are all kinds of real, irresolvable tensions that we may deal with, such as: conflicting feelings about our careers or where to settle down, tensions around ideological and religious issues, ruminations about different elements of a relationship, and clashing interests about our life pursuits.

How can we feel good about our choices and avoid going down the rabbit hole of obsessive overthinking, unnecessary analysis and painful regret?

What Do You Really Want?

Very often, it comes down to our abilities to cut through our fears and to believe deeply that each of us is best situated to chart our own course. We can know best what we really want. “Want,” as I define it here, does not refer to making impulsive decisions based on strong, overwhelming feelings and desires but, rather, to paying close attention to a deep intuitive feeling that rises up within us over time and pushes us in a certain direction, despite the fact that it might surprise us or others.

Many times, we can feel afraid to admit what we really want because of all kinds of fears that get in the way, and it can take time and patience to access and become fully aware of our underlying desires. But once we successfully cut through the fears, those deeper wants are often left lying out there before us in plain view.

Take Bella, a medical resident and classic overachiever who several times turns down dates from Joey, a smart, lovely, idealistic 5^th grade teacher who she feels attracted to and interested in, because of how she perceives herself and what she thinks she deserves. Or David, who is thrilled with the woman he is dating and with whom he has worked hard to build a solid and meaningful relationship but is concerned his mother won’t like her.

Brian is miserable in law school but afraid to change career tracks because of all the wasted resources (time, money and personal energy and investment) and an unwillingness to admit that law is not for him and that he must chart a new career path from scratch.

It is not easy to leave behind all the steps we took to propel us forward on the trajectory we have been on. But the decisions we have made in the past should not hamper us from making the best decisions we can in the present and for the future. (Give yourself permission to get up and walk out in the middle of that movie you are not enjoying, even though you fear you wasted money on the ticket. That money is gone no matter what! Why not relish and maximize the next hour-and-a-half?)

And then there is Adam, who is hesitant to take a significant job promotion that he has long dreamed about and waited for because of his concern that he may not have what it takes to succeed. The anxieties seem irrational, but he considers declining the offer just to make them go away and not have to face possible failure.

In each of these examples, there is deep self-awareness of what the person really wants. They know it, they feel it, they just need to trust it.

And we can.

Trust Your Ability to Choose

God created each of us with the ability to make our own choices. As such, He necessarily believes deeply in our capability to do so. He wants us to make good decisions, and He must trust that we can. If He created us as independent, autonomous beings, He must have given us the tools that we need to think about what makes the most sense for us.

If we have done our research and collected information regarding our options,

if we are able to be extremely honest about the consequences and fears on both sides,

if we can focus only on the best next decision that needs to be made without letting future unknowns get in the way, and if we can ensure that our decision is not based on fears, then we can rest assured that we can trust what we want.

When we take responsibility for our decisions and realize that we made the choices that brought us to where we are today, we can also better understand that if we are not happy with where we find ourselves, it is within our power to make a change.

Take Responsibility for Your Decisions

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks ob”m often shared the story of an exchange that he had in his formative years with the Lubavitcher Rebbe. When Rabbi Sacks opened with the words “In the situation in which I find myself,” the Rebbe interrupted him and said, “You do not find yourself in a situation. You place yourself in a situation; and if you placed yourself in one, you can place yourself in another” (Jonathan Sacks, The Great Partnership: God, Science and the Search for Meaning, 91).

You do not find yourself in a situation. You place yourself in a situation; and if you placed yourself in one, you can place yourself in another.

Similarly, we sometimes tell ourselves that we had to do something. But most often, we chose to do something because of myriad factors. When we use the language of “had,” it can be a sign that we are afraid of taking responsibility for a bad decision. But that relinquishing of responsibility makes it harder to admit our mistakes and consider changing direction.

If, however, we are ready to take responsibility for and own our decisions, then we can always ask ourselves if we chose from trust or fear, if we are happy with the results, and if we want to shift course. If we feel we made a decision from fear and we are upset about that, we can admit our mistake and reexamine the decision anew. If we feel regret over a decision that we made because we have new information, feelings, or perspective on the situation, then we can acknowledge that circumstances have changed and make the best next decision moving forward.

Once we are sensitive to the “fear vs. trust” dichotomy, we will find it popping up in many different areas of life:

Should I get my regular, favorite coffee at Starbucks, even though I’ll be passing up and missing out on their free birthday special?

Should I wear the dress that I feel good in when I go to interview, even though I’m worried it might not be sophisticated enough?

Should I shop at the convenient local grocery store and save myself valuable time, even though their items are overpriced, and I don’t want to feel taken advantage of?

This understanding gives us heightened awareness regarding what drives our behavior and our decisions. We can check to see if we are being motivated by fear or by trust, even when it comes to little choices. We can think proactively about consequences, benefits, and costs. And we can learn to listen to our inner voice more clearly and trust that somewhere deep inside, we might already know the answer.

Based on the author’s book “What Do You Really Want? Trust and Fear in Decision Making at Life's Crossroads and in Everyday Living” (Maggid, 2021) that argues that deep self-awareness and an attitude of trust are the best tools for making strong decisions that we can feel confident about. If we learn how to recognize our fears, explore them, evaluate their potential consequences, and contemplate what we want moving forward, we will have an easier time owning and taking responsibility for our decisions. Whether you are standing on the brink of a major decision, reflecting on those you have already made, or holding someone’s hand as they face a daunting choice-this book can help illuminate the path toward better understanding, deeper self-awareness and stronger decisions.