How to Keep Your Kids Safe in a Digital World

How do you keep kids safe in a digital world?

That’s the question media studies Professor Devorah Heitner tries to answer in her new book Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World. “Parents need to model empathic and healthy screen use,” she says. Not only that, but parents need to understand tracking apps like Classroom DoJo and Life360, which play such a major role in parenting these days. “Otherwise, we’re throwing our kids off the deep end,” she explains.

Holding onto core Jewish values, such as avoiding derogatory speech and gossip and taking a technology break on Shabbat, can help keep your kids from losing themselves in the digital ocean.

Ultimately, says Heitner, the goal is to teach your kids how to use digital media the right way. “We don’t just want to catch them doing the wrong thing.”

Here’s a crib sheet to help kids and parents live a healthy life in cyberspace based on Heitner’s best-selling book.

1. Be a parent. Instead of spying on your kids with apps, talk to them. Don’t read their texts or emails. Kids hate this. Because they are growing up in public, they cherish whatever little bit of privacy they have left. These apps turn parents into stalkers and undermine the parent-child relationship. (Note: if a child or teen suffers from mental health issues and/or has been the victim of cyberbullying, then track, and if you can do so, openly.)

2. Avoid geo-tracking apps like Life360. Geo-tracking makes parents feel they are doing something to keep their kids safe, but kids can easily circumvent the app if they want to. Realize that the best thing your kids have going for them when they are out and about is their independence, good judgment, and friends who will watch out for them.

3. If you’re concerned about porn exposure then block it on devices and your family router, but assume your kids will be exposed to it. Talk to them about it. Explain why it’s so harmful. If you suspect that your kid has developed an addiction, get them help.

4. Talk to your kids about social media. Ask them if they’ve ever met someone they encountered on social media in real life. Did that person seem different? In what ways? That’s a good way to show them that it’s a fake world.

5. If your kid is depressed after seeing a reel shared by a friend of a party from which he was excluded, teach them that exclusion is normal. Heitner writes, “We must teach our kids that we don’t have to include everyone all the time and that’ it's okay not to be included.” Suggest other things a kid can do to improve his or her mood.

6. Parents, don’t overshare your family’s life on social media. As kids get older, ask their permission before posting something about them.

7. Beware of grade-tracking apps. These apps, which allow parents to monitor schoolwork, can also turn parents into nagging machines. Don’t use them. If you can't opt out then minimize your use. Instead of downloading the app onto your phone install it on a device you don’t use all the time and if you can disable notifications. Reassure your child that your love for them isn't conditional on their grades or points.

8. Discourage your child from putting a grade tracking app onto their own phone. Teach your child to rely on other methods to gauge their behavior. Do they like the class? Are they doing the work? Overreliance on external feedback can cause a child or adult to lose themselves.

9. If your child's school uses a behavior monitoring app like ClassDojo, ask how it is being used and how points are given—per kid, per table, per class. How public are the points? If you suspect the app is stressing your kid out, advocate for the app to be used in less punitive ways.

10. Teach your kids to share intentionally on social media. Discourage them from sharing intense and personal stories. Train your kids to trust their instincts establish their boundaries and teach them to deal with both positive and negative reactions.

11. If one of your kid's peers uses social media to disclose disturbing information, talk to your kid about it. Help them understand why a peer might share sensitive information. Are they asking for help? Are they in crisis? Are they a danger to themselves or another? Help your kid to discern when they must tell an adult about something a peer has shared.

12. If your kid shares something inappropriate, hurtful, or hateful, avoid shaming as punishment. Instead, allow them to take restorative action such as an in-person apology or writing about what they have learned.

13. If your child is the target of public shaming, then validate their experience, keep them safe, and take steps to examine their actions. Repair the harm as best as you can and move on.