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And protect yourself from their dysfunctional behavior.
Living or working with a narcissist isn’t pretty. Here are my top seven tips for protecting yourself when encountering a narcissist.
Know what you’re up against. What is the definition of a narcissist?
People throw around the phrase, “Oh, he’s such a narcissist.” Or, “She’s so crazy, she must have Narcissistic Personality Disorder!” The term is often overused to describe someone who is merely self-absorbed or selfish.
Someone who is a true narcissist actually has a mental health disorder. The word “narcissist” stems from Narcissus, a character in Greek mythology, who was so self-absorbed that when he saw his reflection in a pool of water, he fell in love with himself. No one could distract him from his self-obsession.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a condition where the person has a strong need to feed his or her desire for attention and admiration. Such people have an unrealistic view of their self-importance, and often lack empathy for others. They will stop at nothing to achieve their goals, including engaging in manipulative or abusive behaviors. They often have repressed insecurities, and a difficult time respecting boundaries.
A person with NPD might be outwardly charming but they often lie or manipulate others to get their desires met or to avoid accountability.
People who don’t have NPD have the capacity for reciprocity in a relationship. Reciprocity is a necessary prerequisite for a healthy relationship, and something that a narcissist is typically not capable of. A person with NPD often views relationships as a transaction, with their own gain being the objective.
A person with NPD might be outwardly charming or compelling but can become volatile or oversensitive in an argument. They often lie or manipulate others to get their desires met or to avoid accountability.1
Knowing this is the first step to finding a solution.
Narcissists love drama, and will feed off of your emotional reaction. Don’t give in to this need, because a narcissist feels most powerful when she invokes a reaction in you. Don’t feed her by responding emotionally.
A narcissist is fed by flattery, but also thrives on negative emotions. Both provide the narcissist with validation.
If you flatter her, compliment her, or give her any type of assurance, her ego will be stroked and she will be empowered to continue or increase her toxic behavior. But the validation she seeks can also be derived from your negative reactions. If you display annoyance, she feels powerful, which fuels her toxicity.
Act like the narcissist’s words and actions have no effect on you.
The best strategy is to act like her words and actions have no effect on you. Don’t take her chaotic behavior personally. Instead, view her as a machine that is designed to invoke emotion. Remaining as neutral as possible provides the greatest potential for her to reduce her negative behavior, or find a new target. Being happy and lighthearted in her presence, as if her negativity has no impact on you at all, is the best way to force her to look elsewhere, or to stop behaving this way altogether.
“More than all that you guard, guard your mind, for it is the source of life.” Proverbs 4:23
Creating boundaries can help you maintain your own mental health when dealing with a narcissist. Dysfunction thrives in places of chaos, and wherever there is chaos, there is a need for a boundary.
One of the firsts things God did in the story of creation was to establish boundaries. He separated the Heaven from the Earth and He created boundaries between water and land. Additionally, after creating Adam and Eve, he established boundaries regarding what they could and could not eat.
The more a person has access to your inner world, the more responsibility he must demonstrate. His actions must display that he is worthy of attaining closeness to you. If someone is acting in a non-deserving way, then that is typically an indicator that a boundary needs to be put into place, denying them access. Boundaries help us maintain the relationship and our sense of self.
If a narcissist is using a bullying tactic to try to control you, you can say, “I see that you’re really angry, but if you continue to berate me I won’t be inviting you to social gatherings anymore.” Following through with your boundary is essential. If your boundary is violated act on it every time. Otherwise your words won't be taken seriously.
If someone can’t handle a boundary placed upon him or her, then you’ll need to put a boundary around yourself. You cannot change others; you can only change yourself and your reactions.
Placing boundaries around yourself is not selfish or self-centered; it is an act that protects you from the inappropriate behavior of others.
Placing boundaries around yourself is not selfish or self-centered; it is an act that protects you from the inappropriate behavior of others. We utilize boundaries all the time in life to protect ourselves. A password on your bank account is a good example.
For example, you don’t have to answer the phone or respond to their text. If you are on the phone and they begin to blame you with rage, you can simply state. “I see that you are very angry, but if you continue to speak this way I will be hanging up.”
Your boundary does not need to be direct. Sometimes deflecting, changing the topic or gracefully preventing or exiting conversation is a more sustainable approach. The narcissist doesn’t have to know your inner boundary as long as you uphold it.
Boundaries protect you.
You will never be able to change a narcissist or alter their behavior. Instead of pursuing that futile goal, save your energy for things you can change—yourself and your situation.
One of the typical cycles that takes place with a narcissist is the “act and react” cycle. Breaking this cycle is key because reacting to her dysfunction only feeds her narcissistic needs, and ultimately doesn’t help you.
Just as Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection, the narcissist in your life also serves as a mirror for you. The narcissist’s difficult behavior forces you to face yourself, dig deep, and refine yourself in the truest sense.
Another tool in dealing with a narcissist is to strengthen your support system. Surround yourself with positive people who support and encourage you.
The word Neshama can have different interpretations based on the vowels associated with the word. Neshama with the vowel kamatz [T] means our soul, our life source. Neshama with a patach [-] means one became empty and depressed.
Rabbi Ehpraim Eliyahu Shapiro, renowned speaker and Torah scholar, asks a poignant question. How can the same letters carry with it polar opposite definitions, depending on the vowels? Usually in Hebrew, if letters are the same, the words are connected. Here, the only difference between the patach and kamatz is a seemingly insignificant vertical line underneath.
A kamatz is a vowel that even sounds similar to the patach, with one difference. Since the kamatz looks like a capital “T,” it has a horizontal line like the patach, but it also has a little support underneath it.
A little support makes all the difference to a person. It can be the difference between a life infused with happiness and energy and a life that feels void and empty.
Narcissists will try to isolate you, but with family, friends, community, and prayer, you’re never truly alone.2
Gaslighting is a type of manipulation and abuse where the narcissist creates confusion and causes you to question your own sanity. Some signs of gaslighting are when you see the person lying with total ease and no remorse. He or she will deny something happened that you are certain took place. Or she’ll tear you down, only to build you right back up.
You can break this cycle by standing your ground and not accepting blame for the narcissist’s actions.
A narcissist is not capable of accepting responsibility, but that doesn’t mean you have to take blame. Recording what took place in writing close to the time of the event can help you stand your ground when challenged by a narcissist.
Dr. Edith Eger, an Auschwitz survivor and psychiatrist, shares in her book, The Choice, that after liberation, almost all the survivors from the camps walked out of the gates of Auschwitz, physically free. Yet, a shocking number of people then turned around and walked right back in. Although they were physically liberated, they understandably felt that they had nowhere to go.
This phenomenon frequently occurs in the emotional sense. Many of us impose psychological slavery upon ourselves. Despite having full power to be free from anger and painful memories, our mind sometimes drags us right back to the painful scenarios, thus forcing us to live with them in the present day. Our memory may return to past hurts simply because it has nowhere positive to take us, or perhaps the neural pathways have become so strong in the brain that it is nearly impossible to break free.
Regardless of the reason for staying mired in bad memories or past hurt, we each hold the key to unlocking the shackles of our minds. We just have to know how to mentally let go and turn it.
When dealing with a narcissist, you are either being played or you are playing the game. Dr. Eger suggests asking yourself the following two questions in such a situation:
Is this helpful? Is it kind?
If the answer is no, don’t say it. Silence is often the best tactic to protect yourself.
You can end a conversation, change the subject, or walk away. When a narcissist is upset, leaving the room as quickly and safely as possible can often be the best method to deal with him or her. It also may be necessary to rally your courage and speak up for yourself.
While it may be easier to “pick your battles” and remove yourself when dealing with narcissists you are casually acquainted with, it isn’t so simple when that person is your spouse, colleague, or parent. Additional strategies would certainly be needed if the narcissist is your child, sibling, or boss.
If the narcissist is a person you are close to or need to maintain a relationship with, then you owe it to yourself to speak up. Try to do this in a soft yet firm manner, devoid of emotion, showing that you’re serious, while not fuelling the drama.
Use real examples to convey how you feel about their behavior and speech, and be clear about your expectations regarding fair treatment and acceptable behavior within the relationship. However, it is also important to be honest with yourself and realize that he or she may not be capable of understanding where you are coming from, due to their symptomatic lack of empathy.
It is nearly impossible to win an argument with a narcissist, so instead you must endeavor to de-escalate the situation. While you do not ever need to simply endure abuse, disputing a narcissist’s narrative will likely only spur them on. Defusing their rage by calmly expressing your feelings and standing your ground may be the best way to shut the conversation down when walking away is not an option.
Managing a relationship with a true narcissist can be extremely difficult and delicate. Using some of these techniques can help you improve your relationship, and better yourself.
