How to Become More Emotionally Connected to Yourself, Your Spouse, and God

Have you ever been in a room full of people yet felt alone? Or sat next to your spouse yet felt miles apart? Or stood in synagogue, saying words you've said year after year, wondering, Does God even hear me?

Loneliness isn’t the absence of people; it's the absence of emotional connection. It's commonly felt in marriage, within yourself, and in your relationship with God.

1. Marriage

How do we build emotional connection in our marriages?

We give energy to our jobs, children, communities – even our phones. Then at 10:30pm we turn to our spouse and ask, "Okay, what do you need?" Our prime time should be given to our spouse, not our leftover energy.

Easier said than done. Here are three tips:

Preserve energy for your spouse by saying no to others during the day, delegating tasks, or decreasing expectations of yourself. (Aka dinner can be plain rice and simple chicken, nothing fancy.)

Then, when you’re actually in front of your spouse, make a conscious choice to put down the phone and give them a few minutes of undivided attention. Don't just ask them how their day was -- go a drop deeper. Ask them the hardest part of their day, the best part of their day, or what's been weighing on their mind lately. When they answer, don't jump to fix it; just listen, validate, or offer a hug.

Your spouse wants your physical presence and needs your emotional energy as well.

2. Yourself

You can become a stranger to yourself. You know you need sleep but you keep going. You need friendship but you're too busy to call. You need quiet but you immediately reach for your phone.

You distract yourself, overeat, or scroll, anything to avoid sitting quietly enough to hear what's happening inside.

So ask yourself:

How am I actually doing? What am I pretending doesn't bother me? What part of myself have I silenced because I'm afraid of disappointing someone?

Emotionally disconnecting from the self includes denying yourself things that make you feel alive. Make sure to listen to your inner voice and fill your bucket.

A few small ways to start:

Give yourself five minutes of true quiet each day -- no phone, no music, just you. Notice what surfaces when you stop filling the silence.

Text one friend today, just to say hi and actually mean it.

Do one thing because it makes you feel alive, not because it's productive or expected of you. A walk, a hobby, a few pages of a book.

3. God

Do you believe in God but don’t feel so close to Him?

There have been times I've rushed through prayers so quickly I literally swallow my words. And then I finish and think: What just happened?

I prayed, but where was the connection? The Hebrew month of Elul is an opportune time to bring God into your daily life.

Talk to God, not just about God.

Make prayer personal. Use your own language and wording to tell God what you're worried about, grateful for, struggling with, and hoping for, as if you're speaking to someone who truly knows you.

Notice Him in your day.

Look for the small moments of Divine providence. Recognize that serendipity is God's guiding hand in your life. Recognize the small moments of kindness, beauty, and blessing. The more we notice, the more connected you feel.

Create small moments of connection.

One minute of gratitude, filling in a gratitude journal, or a heartfelt "Thank You" to God for help, can turn an ordinary moment into a relationship. Even one small step in the right direction can bring change and connection.

The month of Elul gives you a beautiful opportunity to rebuild your connection with your spouse, with yourself, and with God.

Perhaps that is why Judaism gives us three central practices for this time of year: teshuvah (repentance), tefillah (prayer), and tzedakah (charity).

Teshuvah reconnects you to yourself. It asks us to stop, look inward, and honestly consider who you have become and who you want to be. It’s a recalibration to get recentered with your soul, your true inner self.

Prayer reconnects you to God. It reminds you that you are never truly alone -- and that you can turn to Him with your worries, gratitude, hopes, and questions, any time, day or night.

Tzedakah reconnects you to others. It moves you beyond yourself by reminding you that you are part of something larger than your own life.

This Elul, take one small step towards strengthening your most important relationships, with your spouse, with yourself, and with God.

Join Sarah Pachter for an honest, heart-to-heart conversation about the quiet disconnect so many women feel in their marriages, and how to find real intimacy and being truly seen by the person closest to you. Wednesday, September 9, 12:00pm EST. Free. Register now: https://events.jewishworkshops.com/youbelonghere