Four Ways to Show Up for the People You Love

The opposite of addiction, which plagues so much of society today, is connection. When a life built around distractions, possessions and substances gives way to a life built around meaningful relationships, a person starts to grow and find a new path toward wholeness.

Jewish thought teaches: “The highest form of wisdom is kindness” (Talmud, Brachot 17a). Nothing is more meaningful or more important to work on than extending kindness to others and strengthening the relationships in your life. Here are four ways to be kinder and more proactive in your relationships.

1. Let other people have their problems.

You may feel responsible for making everyone around you happy, and so you try to fix problems that aren’t yours to fix. But being there for someone you love when they’re struggling is different from taking it upon yourself to solve their challenge.

Relationships grow stronger when you walk alongside someone through a hard time instead of trying to remove every difficulty from their life. This comes up constantly in parenting. Every parent wants their child to be happy, and the instinct is to clear every obstacle from their path. But children need to know they can overcome their own challenges.

The most proactive thing a parent, spouse or friend can do is sit with someone through their struggle and let them know you’re there, today and through whatever tomorrow brings.

2. Express appreciation today.

Many people save gratitude for special occasions, a thank-you in a wedding speech or a holiday toast. But waiting deprives people of knowing how much they matter to you now, and it pushes your gratitude off to some future moment. Sometimes that moment never comes, and you never get to tell someone what they mean to you. Sometimes you even forget what they did for you when you needed it most.

Expressing appreciation today puts you in a proactive mindset across all your relationships; you start noticing how much others help you and how much good they bring into your life.

Sometimes that means a quick thank-you text. Sometimes it means picking up the phone to call someone who may have no idea how grateful you are to have them in your life.

3. Address small problems early.

In the noise of everyday life, it’s easy to ignore the little problems that creep into our relationships. You realize you’ve seen your spouse in passing all week but haven’t had a real conversation in ages. A friend says something that stings, and you let it go because it doesn’t seem worth the time or energy. One of your kids seems more withdrawn than usual, and you chalk it up to teenage moodiness or lack of sleep instead of checking in.

But small problems in relationships tend to become big ones. The couple who went a week without a real conversation often finds a month has slipped by with no meaningful connection. Your friend’s comment doesn’t fade; it creates distance every time you see them. And the slightly withdrawn teenager can become almost unreachable by the time you realize a minor change in behavior has turned into a major life challenge.

Tackle the little problems before they grow.

4. Ask instead of assuming.

It’s natural to assume the people closest to you will reach out if they need help. But often the people you love don’t know how to ask, or feel guilty taking up your time. If you know a friend or family member is going through a hard time, offer help before they ask. The more you ask about exactly how you can support them, the better you can give them what they actually need.

Sometimes that’s resources and advice. Other times it’s simply your attention and your presence. Everyone needs something different depending on your circumstances and personality, so find out rather than guess. Asking what’s needed and offering something specific gives people room to accept help they couldn’t bring themselves to request.

Don’t wait for tomorrow to repair or strengthen a relationship. Act today. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks taught: “The Hebrew word chesed, often translated as loving-kindness, actually means love as deed rather than love as an emotion. The love that changes lives is the love we do.” Do something today that brings kindness into the world and changes the lives of the people around you.