Four Great Questions to Ask Your Kids

Getting your kids to talk to you can feel like a herculean task. Ask "How was your day?" and you'll probably get "Fine." Ask "What did you do today?" and you'll probably get "Nothing."

Here are four better questions that are open-ended and reflective, and help build real connection.

1. Who did you help today?

I've asked my kids this since kindergarten. It shifts the focus away from what they achieved and onto the kindness they brought into someone else's day.

Even your youngest kids will remember a small moment: "Josh tripped on the playground, and I helped him pick up his books." Older kids will open up about things you'd never otherwise hear: "Shira's dad is in the hospital, so I sat with her at lunch so she could talk about it."

This question teaches them that who they become matters more than what they become, and it nudges them to look for chances to help.

2. When did you feel most like yourself today?

This question connects your kids to what actually matters to them. Listen without judgment and you'll learn what they truly care about.

It's hard, at any age, to recognize your authentic self. We usually only catch glimpses of it when we're doing something that draws out our real strengths. But kids often know exactly when they felt most like themselves: "When I played soccer with my friends." "When I figured out that problem on my computer." "When I made the baby laugh." "When I wrote that poem on the porch."

The specific answer doesn't matter. What matters is that your kids see you care about what matters to them. Ask this enough, and they'll start asking themselves: does this choice bring me closer to who I really am, or further away?

3. When did you keep going even when something was hard?

We live in a culture built for instant gratification and shortcuts. One of the hardest things to teach kids – and ourselves – is that doing hard things is the only way to accomplish anything worthwhile.

This question brings back the moments they felt stuck and uncomfortable but pushed through anyway: "I was out of breath a block before the finish line, but I kept running." "I was stuck on a math problem, but I tried different answers until one worked." "I wanted to walk away from a hard conversation, but I stayed and told them how I felt."

Even on days they don't answer, they'll remember a moment that tells them they can handle discomfort, and that when things get tough, they can push through.

4. What was going on for you when that happened? What did you need in that moment?

Parenting expert Dr. Becky Kennedy developed this question as a replacement for "Why did you do that?" That question sounds reasonable but it puts kids on the defensive and shuts them down. What you actually want to know is what was happening in your child's world when they did whatever they did. It's a small reframe, but the answers you get will surprise you.

A kid who got into a fight on the playground might say: "Right before it started, Charlie tripped me and took the hat Grandpa gave me. I knew I shouldn't have hit him, but I needed a place to cool down and couldn't find one." What you'll hear underneath: I needed understanding. I needed safety. I needed space. You'll understand what happened, and you might even help them avoid it next time.

More than that, your child will feel like you genuinely care how they experience the world, without judgment.

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks taught, "To be a Jewish parent is to make space for your child, as God makes space for us, His children." The questions you ask your kids can close off that space, or open it wide. The more curious and open-ended your questions, the more your kids will feel like you genuinely care what's going on inside them.