Three Things Every Jew Needs to Hear at the Seder This Year
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Five tips to help you in your toughest parenting moments.
Catch me when my kids are throwing an epic tantrum, and I’d love to trade jobs with a lion tamer. But when I’m snuggling with my children, I wouldn’t give up being a mom for anything.
This balancing act has inspired me to cultivate five ‘C’s’ of parenting, in order to maintain a comfortable equilibrium through the highs and lows of parenthood.
Standing behind the glass, peering at the various frozen yogurt options in the store, my children were picking out their preferred flavors. But their whining had begun almost as soon as we walked through the door.
“Mom, can I get a cone instead of a cup?”
“Can I get Oreo and M&M toppings?”
“What about chocolate syrup and peanut butter sauce?”
“No, no, and no,” I replied.
As a mom, I hate saying no. My intention that day was to allow for one flavor and one topping each, but I forgot to tell my kids beforehand. When you don’t express clear expectations and boundaries for your children, they start to question and test limits in order to find out where those boundaries fall.
When you express your expectations clearly, children have a chance to process and accept them. Brittney Yahalom, an expert in Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TFCBT), shares valuable advice: “Set your child up for success by letting them know what is going to happen BEFORE it happens. Not seconds before…but minutes, hours, or even days before. The more time they have to prepare, the better! This way, your child gets an opportunity to process, visualize, and anticipate what’s coming. This will likely decrease the frequency of meltdowns, tantrums, and frustration and increase acceptance and compliance.”
When you’re not clear or waver about what you expect from your children, they pick up on it. Then, they either test the limits or feel imbalanced. For example, if your children have a difficult time upon arriving home from school, you can prepare them verbally during the drive home. Let them know what they can expect from their schedule, and what you expect from them. “Kids, as soon as we get home, we will put our things away and wash our hands for a snack. I want to see smiles, happy faces, and big, strong voices!”
By focusing on what you would like to see instead of what we don’t want to, children will be more likely to follow instructions.
The term “consequence” gets a bad rap, but it is not necessarily negative. There are different types of consequences that children will experience in their journey through life.
Natural consequences are not punishments; they’re life’s reactions to our choices. If a child tips a glass containing liquid, the natural consequence is that it will spill out—every time (especially during dinner). Children are like scientists, learning about the world through natural consequences. A child can learn a tremendous amount from natural consequences without the parent needing to intervene at all.
Sometimes a parent must guide her child using logical consequences. This type of consequence offers a logical response that a parent puts into play. For example, if a child uses a toy to hit another child, that toy may be taken away for some time.
Positive consequences are yet another type of consequence, and can be motivating and helpful for improving behavior. You can vocalize a positive consequence. For example, “Anyone who has a smile on their face when they get home from school will get a piece of gum after dinner.” Or, “Anyone who helps Mommy clean up after dinner will get one extra book at bedtime!”
Follow-through is necessary for any consequence to have the desired effect. Otherwise, your words have no credence in your child’s perspective, and the negative behavior continues.
Whether the consequence is positive or negative, the only way behavior will change is if you are consistent with the repercussions.
There is a joke about a man who was once in the supermarket. His daughter began to beg for a pack of gum while waiting in line for the cash register, and he refused.
This caused a strong reaction in the child. “Why not?” she screamed. She began to throw a tantrum.
Exasperated, he turned to her and said, “Because it’s not kosher!”
The person behind the register asked the man if he was even Jewish.
“Nope, and I don’t even know what kosher is. But I saw someone in line a few days ago in the same situation. The mom said, ‘It’s not kosher,’ and the crying magically stopped.”
Even though this is a joke, many people who keep kosher can attest to the phrase working instantly. This is because if a family keeps strictly kosher, it’s consistent, without wavering. When we are consistent about a rule, the child understands the boundary, and more often than not, she accepts it easily.
Keep in mind, if you initiate a rule, or lay out expectations, the behavior can sometimes worsen before improving. You may be tempted to backslide when this happens, but stay strong! Once the trust of that consistency has been implemented, you will see your children thrive under their new conditions.
All of the above should be implemented with a calm voice and demeanor. If you implement consequences in anger, your children won’t be able to hear the message through the noise. No matter how consistent you are, anger will override all we are trying to accomplish.
If you do get angry from time to time, don’t fret. Everyone gets angry occasionally, and no one should expect perfection from themselves. When this happens, simply apologize to your child and let him or her know that you, too, are a work in progress. This shows the child that he or she can make mistakes and still be lovable.
The Torah describes a scene where Reuven went to the field and picked flowers for his mother, Leah. The flowers were very dear to Leah, as they were meant to enhance fertility. But commentaries expound that Leah loved these flowers because they were wildflowers. This meant that Reuven was careful not to steal even one flower from someone else’s land. Leah noticed this intricate aspect and commended her son’s pure actions.
Following in Leah’s footsteps, in our home, we too notice the details and implement something called “awesome jars.” Throughout each week, I will make sure to look for certain acts my children have done that are “awesome note-worthy.” I then place the note in their personalized jar. There is no act too small to notice. For example, one note might read, Josh helped his younger sister cut her food. Or, Nava gave Tiffy a hug when she was hurt. At the end of the week, we read the notes aloud and have a raffle. The kids love this system, and the entire atmosphere in the home becomes filled with positivity. My kids know I’m admiring and noticing their good behavior, and look for opportunities to fulfill that.
If we follow these five techniques, the natural consequence is that we will start to see change for the good in our homes, not only because we are viewing them through a positive light, but also because their good behavior will actualize.
Great!
To be a good parent you need to start by believing you are the parent, and an adult, and to act accordingly.
Avoid saying: "Because I said so." Trust that you are intellectually mature and competent enough to speak to your children reasons couched in language to their ability.
Always respond with loving kindness to your children, not anger. Remember, you are the parent, and adult.
Do not have unreasonable expections of their abilities.
For ages 1-7 have a "waiting" chair in the kitchen for them to sit in; time out commenserate with their age, ex: 1 minute for 1 year of age, etc.
They need to be told why they are being asked to take a time out. A parent needs to stay in the room, and so the child understands they are loved no matter what.
Start meals on time.
Thanks for the article!
Teaching kids to smile may be perfect for some. However, for my kids, it seems better to let them say "this was a busy day, I'm tired" if that's how they're feeling (as long as they still put away their stuff) - it helps them be aware of feelings and gives me a chance to hear how they're doing.