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How to move your child from “I can’t!” to “I can!”
Have a child that just gives up? Their constant refrain is, “I can’t, it’s too hard!”
Here are 10 ways to teach your child to work hard and persevere.
There are many instances where children are being asked to do things that are in fact beyond their capabilities. Like telling them to do homework after a long day at school without giving them a chance to unwind or giving them chores too close to bedtime.
Make sure your requests are reasonable and that they are given at a time when children can acquiesce.
If your child is always balking when you asked them to do their homework or contribute to the household, it’s helpful to have some pat phrases that to use liberally. These phrases should reflect the values of your home:
“The Soclofs work hard and try hard.”
“Our bodies and brains are made to do hard things.”
“I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy; I am telling you it’s going to be worth it.”
One of the most important principles of parenting is role modeling. It can also be the most painful. If your child is exhibiting a “can’t do” attitude, the first place to look is at your attitude. Do you shirk your duties? Do you put off the hard stuff?
No judgment here, we all do it at times. But it might be the time to pick up the slack.
You can take it one step further and say out loud where our kids can hear you: “Ugh, I really don’t feel like finishing that report, but I’ve got to be responsible here and persevere!”
You can also say your pat phrases to yourself when your child is within earshot: “This is really complicated recipe! But I always say that in our family we are not afraid of hard work! I am going to do this!”
Children who won’t try of give up easily may be fearful of making mistakes. Remind your kids often: No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. It is part of how we learn.
This can help children overcome their fears and take tentative steps to do something that is challenging for them.
5. Children’s books:
There are some great children’s books that help children understand the power of a “can do” attitude.
The most popular one is The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper. Here are some other books that can help children persevere with their schoolwork:
The Fantastic Elastic Brain by Joann Deak
The Fantabulous Brain by Julia Cook
Bubble Gum Brain by Julia Cook
They’re great for laying the groundwork and showing your kids the value of hard work and perseverance.
When your groans in frustration, “I can’t”, your reflexive response may be: “Yes, you can! Don’t always give up!”
It’s an ineffective response that usually leads to a power struggle and everyone losing.
When children are frustrated you need to help them move through their stress, through empathy and reflecting their feelings:
“Wow, you sound frustrated. Something about this homework feels like it’s too much!”
“Oh boy! Sweeping the floor feels like it’s just too much for you right now.”
This helps children calm down, so they can actually hear you and hear themselves think.
The homework might not be done and the floor might not be swept, for now. You sometimes have to shelf what needs to be done. But, don’t worry, you’ll have a chance to talk about it later, when you are both calm.
Start out with: “Remember when you were having a hard time with your homework? We need to figure out some sort of solution to help you when you feel stuck like that…”
“Remember when I asked you to sweep and you said you couldn’t…When’s a good time for you to do your jobs? How can we make sure that you have the energy for the jobs around the house…”
Another way to focus on solutions is to ask your child to discern where they are getting stuck. Deliver some empathy and then ask them, “Show me the hard part. Where are you are getting stuck?” This could be used for schoolwork, chores or even figuring out some social dilemmas. After you’ve figured out the hard part, brainstorm some ways to manage them:
Child: “I can’t do my homework!”
Parent: “Wow, you sound upset. Show me where you are getting stuck.”
Child: “I am not sure what exactly the homework is and where the questions are…”
Now you have at least gotten at the problem and you can start figuring out how to solve it.
Children who get frustrated easily and have a hard time pushing through their challenges need a lot of encouragement. Praise them for every step of the way:
“You didn’t want to, but you sat down and opened up your math book. You can do hard things!”
“You got out the broom and asked your brother to hold the dustpan. What a great start!”
Now comes your hard part – putting these ideas into daily practice. With constant use, you can help your child go from “I can’t!” to “I can!”
