An Open Letter to Mayor Zohran Mamdani
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Mother-in-law relationships are fragile by nature. When they unravel in public, timeless wisdom matters even more.
Dear Victoria (and all new MILs),
Few experiences are as painful as watching a son publicly distance himself from his parents. Fewer still have to endure that pain under global scrutiny. As your son’s choices and family relationships are analyzed in real time, I want to offer you something different: perspective from someone who has walked the mother-in-law path four times over.
I’ve learned a lot, and it is my pleasure to help you navigate this tricky position. I promise you, with sensitivity, care, and timeless wisdom, you can turn this around, not just for your family, but for the millions watching you from afar.
The Talmud has a passage that should be required reading for every woman about to step into the role of being a mother-in-law. The passage speaks of several potentially volatile relationships. See if you can spot the pattern: mother-in-law/daughter-in-law; stepmother/stepdaughter; sisters-in-law; wives.
Each relationship involves women with a man in between — a son, brother, or husband. To some extent, these women naturally struggle with jealousy. So tread carefully.
Our first son got engaged several years ago, just before Passover. Shortly afterward, my husband and I traveled to Arizona to serve as scholars-in-residence at a holiday retreat filled with hundreds of multigenerational families. Surrounded by so many parents and grandparents, I arrived with a clear purpose: I was determined to ask as many people as possible one pressing question and gather their collective wisdom: How can I be a good mother-in-law?
I kept getting variations of the same answer: “Mouth closed, purse open.”
There’s some truth to that, but I wasn’t fully satisfied. I lamented to my friend Charlie Harary, a lawyer and prominent speaker in the Jewish world, and he told me to ask his mother who found it wasn’t so easy when he first got married. She would have some wisdom to share.
I found Mrs. Harary, told her Charlie had sent me, and asked, “How can I be a good mother-in-law?”
He will always be your son — but you have to let him go.
She got tears in her eyes, brought her hand to her heart, and said, “It will break your heart…” Then she stretched her hand outward and continued, “But you have to let him go. He will always be your son — but you have to let him go.”
Smart people learn from their own mistakes; wise people learn from the mistakes of others. I asked a friend who had married off all her children for advice. She said, “I blew it with my first daughter-in-law and we never recovered. I learned from it and now have wonderful relationships with the others.”
“What happened with the first one?”
“You know those inside jokes every family has? Don’t say them in front of her. Never whisper in your son’s ear in front of her or ask her to leave the room because there’s something you want to tell him. Never say anything you’d later have to qualify with, ‘I was only kidding.’ Better not to say it at all.”
I took notes.
“Don’t offer your opinion unless you’re asked — you’re now the consultant. And even if they ask, be careful.”
“What?” I countered. “But they asked!”
“Imagine your daughter-in-law is reupholstering her couch and asks, ‘Do you like the yellow fabric or the beige?’ The yellow makes you nauseous, so you say ‘beige.’ If she chooses yellow anyway, she thinks you hate her taste.”
“This is a trick question! So, what should I say?”
“Ask her, ‘Which one do you like best?’ If she says ‘yellow,’ you answer, ‘I think that’s a great choice.’”
Ultimately, what we want most for our sons is happiness. Everyone knows: happy wife, happy life. If she’s happy, he’s happy. If he’s happy, I’m happy. So Victoria, your job is to make her happy.
To all future mothers-in-law, from day one, when planning the engagement party or wedding, if your son asks your opinion, counter with: “What does she want?” And whatever she says, agree. My husband and I even have a mantra: “If peace is for sale, we’re buying.” If an extra course costs more or her family feels an expense should be on us instead of them, we’re in.
Keep your eye on the prize. Don’t win the battle and lose the war. Countless families we know stood on pride or what felt “fair” during wedding planning and created bad feelings that never went away.
And my husband taught me something else: mothers fear their daughters-in-law because, with one misstep, she has the power to separate you from your son and grandchildren. She can, and sometimes will. We’ve seen it happen. That fear should keep you thoughtful and careful before you speak.
I took all of this very seriously and, thankfully, have been blessed with wonderful children-in-law whom I love dearly. I still remain careful. And yes, there is a difference between daughters-in-law and sons-in-law.
Sons-in-law are like a new hoodie someone bought you — warm, cozy, wonderful. If they’re in my house and I say, “Can someone take out the garbage?” they run to do it.
Daughters-in-law are like new shoes you love — you chose them, you want them, but you’re breaking them in gently. Be careful out there.
It’s not you, it’s not her; it’s the nature of the relationship.
The Talmud is right: these relationships are minefields. It’s not you, it’s not her; it’s the nature of the relationship. Play it right and your relationship with her can lead to years filled with love and blessing. It’s not too late.
Your situation is harder because yours is playing out for the world to see. Don’t let that stop you from succeeding in the most important relationships of your life. It’s okay to apologize, to humble yourself, and to begin again now.
I wish you all the best and am happy to speak with you — and your daughter-in-law — anytime. We are the mothers, and we’re all in this together.
Such great advice.Beautifully written ! Thank you🙏🙏🙏
I’m going through the same parent alienation only they aren’t even married yet. I thought I was alone in this situation, however social media has opened my eyes to how much of this is happening, not just nation wide but globally. I feel for Victoria because hers is happening in front of the whole world.
These relationships are hard enough, to play it out in front of the world— tragic.
I love the article, so clear and honest.i think this type of relación is universal and traspaso any religión and culture.thankd!
Agree-- thank you!
I would say much here, since I have been a mother and mother in law many times over, with many many many many grandchildren. It is my humble opinion not to share my thoughts, foremost because I don’t think or believe that this generation for the overwhelming majority really wants to know and listen to with wise sensitivity and respect what their elders whom have life’s experience think and feel. Evidence, by the fact that there is so much estrangement in families worldwide in the Jewish and non Jewish world.Chaos times before Mosiach. Anyone involved with children and children in law , today realistically know that times have overall dramatically changed. For the better? Nothing to say. Quite sad.
Yes...much change, and for for the good. Thank you for sharing.
So true. Brilliant.
Thank you!
I would LOVE to know what your daughters in law thought about this article!
The irony is that (almost) every mother in law is also a daughter in law. On that point I would say “Veahavta Leraeicha”! Every mother in law should treat her daughter in law how she would want to be treated.
That is my guiding principle with my daughter in law so far and you have given me some wonderful tools to add to the mix.
I held my breath when I posted it in our family chat, not just for my daughter-in-laws, but also my son-in-laws. Thankfully the response was great. Whew...!
My mother-in-law never bothered me at all strangely enough. It was my own parents who nitpicked everything I did. It got to the point I went over to to ask them not to get involved in my marriage and my father yelled at me so much and grabbed my arm my heart rate went extremely low. I was scared I would die in my sleep.
How much I wanted to be the best daughter and wife ever, staying out of trouble, doing every chore. just to be seen like I was a rebellious child anyway. I tried to overcome negative female stereotypes and was forced into therapy in high school for not talking for the sake of talking like the other girls since they saw me not acting typical enough as a problem. I blame the high school for making my parents see me as disabled.
I am so, so sorry… The song by Harry Chapin, “Flowers are Red” is now playing in my head. Please listen to it. Schools and unfortunately some parents want their kids to be “in the box”. Most of our kids march to the beat of a different drummer, thinking, asking questions, creative, idealistic…. Please raise your kids as individuals and advocate for them, even if it means the schools aren’t happy.as someone else once told my husband: “In the box is in a coffin.” My heart is with you ❤️
Estrangement isn't about the mil, it's about self-centred adult children who lack empathy and morals, among other desirable traits. These adult children don't just call their parents toxic, they blame their entire family, extended family, and friends for their miserable lives. So if you've never experienced the trauma of this type of elder abuse or failed to read any of the studies, then you really need to stop perpetuating the narrative.
It’s true that young adult kids can turn on their parents. Heartbreaking. The article was to give wisdom from the Talmud and practical tools to up your chances if happiness in most families.
She got the whole family not smiling that says a lot, control control control, sad, it is in Brooklyn it's Victoria she should be shame of herself
A family tragedy…
The situation is getting worst the family needs to go through therapy like couples counseling they should have a new thing in law counseling, the religious Jewish Chassidim have the right idea the grooms and wives families meet before the children meet, this way they know the in laws will get along, and straightening out the problems before the marriage, I think that is the case, down the line when they is friction on both sides , will the marriage last or will be no relationship between the son Brooklyn and his parents with wife, actually I heard both David Bechham and Nicola Peltz have paternity Jewish ancestry, they even stated this fact, does anyone know this
Yes, there is a Jewish connection on both sides.
Brooklen Beckham should be ashamed of himself....no respect for the mother that raised him...as a mother my heart goes out to you Victoria....he will regret this and quiet Frankley I hope he does.
It is complex and tragic.
Oh my gosh, I can’t believe the negative comment below and basis’ of concerns for Parents-in-law regarding their son. Isn’t the one thing that we should be striving for when raising our children is to become independent from us so that they can live a life that fulfils them, making decisions from their own hearts and minds without feeling pulled by us? I don’t have a problem with letting go of my son at all, it doesn’t even occur to me whatsoever. I feel no competition, nor fear when it comes to my daughter-in-law and feel grateful that she is willing to spend her life with my son, most probably taking my son’s name and giving him children. If she needs certain things from him then I support that for her because being a wife and mother is the most sacrificial job in the world!
You are so healthy! Takes a secure person to let go.
Wise. Excy
Thank you.
The fact that the son adopted the wife's name is enough to tell me everything about that family setup. I like David Beckham, I don't like Victoria but the fact is that Brooklyn is cooked!
Time will prove Victoria right.
It reflects how estranged he feels from a family that became a "brand". So painful... And it is not for the parents to create an environment that weakens their kids marriage, it's the opposite-- they must fo everything in their power to strengthen it.
Yes, I absolutely agree. Children don’t cut themselves off from their parents for no reason. It’s a very difficult and heartbreaking thing to do and he is obviously not taking it lightly because if he did, he wouldn’t have posted what he has posted.
Why should he not??? Most of us with take our husband’s last name and there’s absolutely no recognition or feelings have hurt from our families regarding that!
One must realize not all people are the same. Some lack love for everyone except themselves. If your son marries a narcissist, no matter what you do will NEVER be enough! She will alienate him from not only you but his whole family and even his friends. They do this to separate the victim so when they do wake up, they are a abandoned without help. Teach your children the red flags to prevent this tragedy. A man can be successful in life but behold if he falls to be a victim to these narcissistic predators. The outcome is always the same unless you want to be victimized along with your son. Read books and educate yourselves.
Who our kids marry is the MOST important decision of their lives. We must work hard to help them make the right decision by modeling in our own marriages, helping our kids of self awareness of their own strengths and challenges, messaging the qualities of the person who would be right for them....and pray!
Thank you for understanding unlike others that some people are just for themselves(narcissists). A family is supposed to grow, not get become isolated. We are humans and not animals to abandon our families. I have many children and can see the difference in people. My son is trapped and I'm living the worst a mother can live. He isolated everyone from his past. No one can tell me that this is normal. He was the most loving kind hearted son , grandson, and brother. It happens to people you would never think is possible. Please pray for Antonio. God bless you!
What a terrible thing to say. Are you not also alive? Did you do this to your husband? A man should be distanced from his Call family and start a new family because his wife and children that they live their life that meets them happy. It is our jobs as parents to raise them to be independent and live the best life for themselves that makes them happy not us. You can’t blame the wife for this. It is the husband’s choice to put her and his children first and that is the right choice.
I love this letter, incredibly enlightening. I had a very bad relationship with my mil. My marriage ended in divorce. My mil was incredibly controlling and my ex husband never considered me always listening to his mum. In this instance when you have the support of your husband.... it's a big deal. It really isn't to late to save this relationship Victoria.
Amen... and I am so sorry for the pain of what you experienced. Heartbreaking. If only MIL's knew the pain their words and actions could cause, perhaps things could change.
What a wonderful piece of advice! It's their time now so allow them to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes. Let him go, you will always be his mum. Welcome him back with open arms whenever he comes back but he needs that space to work on his marriage.
Exactly.
I think it all stems from your own attitude. I have a wonderful mother in law. She isn’t perfect but I’ve always chosen to see the good in her. I’m now a mother in law to two young women that I choose to see the good in. I also choose to see the good in the ex-wives (that are the mothers of 2 loved grandchildren), when I could have stayed bitter. But have I had to bite my tongue? Yes. Have I had to keep my opinion to myself? Yes. Have I been in the “wrong” when really it was me that was right? Yes. There’s only really one truth here; it’s a tricky road to navigate and you have to be on your game to walk it!
So impressed! You are doing it exactly right-- not just that you are focusing on the good, you have hit the bull's-eye: a lot of success in sensitive relationships is not what you say, it's what you DON'T say!
I married when I was very young and I liked her a lot. I welcomed her opinions and her wisdom.
However, for her it was about control. I returned from working a double shift during one of her visits (putting ourselves through school) , only to find she had rearranged all the furniture in our apartment and expected me to thank her. When I started moving things back, she called me a control freak. I went to get myself a glass of orange juice and she had spiked the carton with vodka. Then she asked me what I was going to cook for her since she was starving...
I told her I was going to sleep and her son would deal with her. She wouldn't stop complaining about me to him so she was gone within minutes.
I think her pretending to agree with me would have turned her into a ticking time bomb.
This is not normal-- sounds like a BPD-- Borderline Personality Disorder.
Perfect advice! My mother would say Keep your mouth shut, and your pocketbook open. Thank Goodness never had to do that. I had difficulty. With my MIL, and I taught my daughter, always remember she raised a nice son for you to marry. Always keep that in mind. Show respect no matter what, even if u disagree with her. Come home vent to me, and get it off your chest, but smile and be pleasant to your MIL I wasted to much time disliking mine.
Excellent advice, and kudos for not passing on the dysfunction you had to endure.
On point 100%. I made a few of the above mentioned mistakes. I learned. I humbled myself, I apologized more than hundred times. She's still very cautious. I am threading gently. I send her prayers and lots of love daily. (Spiritually)..... And you're correct they have the power to ensure u see less of your son and grandchildren. Be wise learn and be gentle with them daughter in laws. Thank you for this letter! I hope Mrs. B takes it to heart. 💖💖💖💖💖
You are doing GREAT! Stay the course.
Some women are just awful, whether they're MILS or DILs. A woman doesn't know which untill she encounters one. Is Brooklyn so smitten that he has come to dispise his mother cos his new wife complained about her? Someone he lived with from birth till he got married? Does it mean he does not know his mother? Does it mean he cannot defend his mother? Is she so bad and cruel or evil that he cuts off entirely with her and by extension the rest of his family? Did they offend his wife too? In all these talk, am only hearing one side, brooklyn's. Not Victoria's. He is ALWAYS keen to wash his linen in public. I hate that. For Victoria to keep mum in all these talks, she doesn't like washing her linens in public. All this leads me to conclude that he is a spoilt brat. And NOT a man, still a boy.
I have learned that there really are 3 sides to everything: his side; her side...and the truth. But all the wisdom in the article apply no matter what side.
Everything said is so right, I love all my 2 sons partners and retain a good relationship even after they have, sadly parted from my son.
I learnt the hard way with a mother-in-law, who did everything to try and part me from from her son luckily she did not succeed
Kudos for not perpetuating the disfunction. It stops with you. (and bonus points for still caring about a DIL, even if the marriage did not work...she is still part of your heart and the mother of your grandchildren)
Then some daughter's in law are just not nice, no matter what you say or do for them.an old saying my mom uses "Eaten bread is soon forgotten"
They also tend to forget that the man they love, because of his personality manners etc was raised by the very people they now despise. My very wise husband said to me before he died, "they're gonna do what they're gonna do and the kids are theirs. So let them off. It's not worth the stress of tiptoeing around them because they will always be right and we as the in-laws will always be wrong"
I have had countless women come to me for guidance on how to deal with a very challenging MIL. I tell them exactly what you are saying-- if it was not for this woman, you wouldn't have your son or your children. That gives them the beginning of a very necessary "reframe".
Thank you so much for a well written and articulated piece on relationship between mothers and daughters in law. It is indeed tricky but as a mother with two boys who will soon get married, this is indeed timely and relevant. Sadly bad blood normally starts while planning the wedding. Most in laws and I mean mothers and sisters in laws tend to assume they have an upper hand to select colors or that while as it should be the bride. Thank you indeed you made my day.
You are most welcome. It sounds like you clearly know your lane and plan to stay in it. Good, you!
Great piece thank u for time taken to share with someone in need hope Victoria will see it. But still other MIL have seen and read it
I hope it is well shared BEFORE mistakes happen 🙏
I love this article. Full of beautiful truth Bombs 💣. Wonderfully written ❤️
Thank you!❤️
I am a relationship therapist. Thank you for normalizing speaking about this tricky relationship. Being a mother-in-law to a daughter-in-law is much different than a son-in-law. But I have seen son-in-law‘s pull their wives away from the family and completely changing relationship dynamics by being controlling and very dominant.To me, it’s all about listening and respect and keeping comments behind closed doors. When it comes to a daughter-in-law, always remember what you tell your son, he will tell her. And usually it won’t come out like what you said. You are better off saying nothing. Or telling her directly. I like shut your mouth but open your heart. Also, I don’t think women need be scared of losing their son. He should make his wife first but have room for their mom too.
Love that.
This article offers some helpful suggestions. However, I would change “Closed mouth, opened purse” to ”Closed mouth, opened heart.”
Nice. But the purse also helps. 😉
Works every time but not with me you want it go and work very hard the way I did all my life
Excelente
Thank you!
I left the comment but it's not visible, doesn't matter. I only wanted to thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I'm in similar situation and yes, my heart is broken and the pain is unbearable. But, at least, you gave me hope and idea how to make it better.
❤️
I am worried my daughter is 19years and her behaviour changed since entering university. It breaks my heart as a single mother.
Changed in what way?
It is so sad that the mother - in - law and daughter- in - law don't get along, what will happen when her daughter- jn- law has kids if they don't make up some how then the mother- in- law won't meet or have a connection to her grandkids, the Talmud is right you have try to get along, because it is important to keep communication open for the future when Brooklyn and Nicola have kids what will happen then, will Victoria get to see her grandkids, then she will change her tune, if not her grandkids will not get to know their grandmother, I am thinking ahead when the relationship really counts, to see nachas from your kids like Jewidhbparents do
You are right on. Victoria should “keep her eyes on the prize”, her future grandchildren 🙏
Thanks for your thoughtful words of wisdom. While I I agree with much of what you said I think the approach at times feels too careful and fearful. I don’t believe a mother-in-law has to walk on eggshells and never has the freedom to share her thoughts or opinions… much of it depends on the relationship and of course the wording and importance of the topic. Close connected relationships can sustain some disagreement or differences of opinions, and that makes them healthier and more aligned with human relationships in general.
Yes, with this and all relationships it’s: what you say, how you say it, and the timing of when you say it.
Wonderful article. Would love it if you’d also write one for the DILs, I think the effort has to come from both ends
Interesting...I agree it takes 2, just suggesting the lead needs to come from the one who is having the hardest time letting go.
No it is her. The first dance that was meant for the bride and groom she walked up and started dancing with her son, as the bride stood there shocked. But even worse she was announced as the most attractive woman in the room. This is the brides day! Not hers.
Since none of us were there, we can assume there are complexities to the story that we are not privy to....and we need not be. The article is not about blame, it is about solutions to help create the best relationships possible, relationships that by there very nature can be problematic.
I also agree on this it was her time to take a back seat for the wedding day .. this was a personal ceremony not the Brit awards!!
It was the brides place to walk to her husband
Excellent article. Everything is spot on. I am a mother-in-law times 4. I have always said that my mother-in-law taught me how I should never be, and to always be kind to my children's choice.
She was the worst mother-in-law and I learned not to be like her.
Good for you-- sad that you had to learn what not to do, but you turned it into a positive for the next generation.
I appreciate your wisdom, insights that are free from ego, and hope that somehow Victoria reads this...I have been intrigued with this story, as a family therapist and a MIL. Money, fame.... it certainly doesn't buy wisdom. I do believe that your advice will help this family .... like the old saying goes, "do you want to be right, or do you want a relationship?"
And..."Would you rather be right or happy?"
What an amazing example of Tikun Olam at a major scale . . . our purpose it to bring light and goodness into the world . . . this is part of Geula, redemption, unfolding . . . making a public gesture, offering a personal mother in law to mother in law support to a world famous figure . . . has multiple layers of good energy; Kiddush Hashem, capturing a talking point that needs attention, inserting in real time with world rhythm and opinions, gently guiding the empty lashon hora into a teaching and learning moment, bridging the divide between Jew and Non Jew, offsetting / resetting the anti-semitism plague with golden values . . . so well played ! I'm on the edge of my seat scribbling notes as fast as I can . . . 😉
Wow---thank you!
I sadly don’t have children but I’ve always loved all new people I meet, so feel I would have been a good mother in law. I’d certainly have tried and not looked for problems!!
Beautiful.
First, great aricle! I think it's so wonderful you are responding to every comment. I know it's not always viable, but I've often read articles on human relationships and other topics, and hoped that the author could respond to some of comments, especially those from those who ask for follow-up.
Second, an unrelated idea:) I was reading a book you wrote on Gossip with Bob Burg back in 2002. I've given many copies away and it was offered at a Tisha B'av event at Aish NY. I think the book really fills a void.
How about publishing a 25th anniverary revised/updated version?
LOVE that idea! (and thank you for your kind words)
Wow! So well said!
Thank you!
Why is the letter directed to Veronica
Google and find out. Unfortunately there is quite the family drama being played out for all to see.
My elsdest son mariied 5 years ago and moved to another city because my DIL wanted to live near her mother, I cannot afford to visit them and when I did I had a very cold welcome, my DIL addressed my son sternly and aggresively. My son confided that he regrets marrying her so much.He transferred all the love he does not receive from his wife onto his children.He calls me secretly in facetime to show me his kids who don't know me. It is so sad, I wonder if should continue to keep in touch with him because he became a stranger. I don't curse him G-d forbid but sometimes I cry because it seems I never carried him for 9 month or struggled so much to give him a proper Tora education. I feel dejected. The money factor is also important unfortunatly.
Stay in touch with him and the kids, be patient, loving and supportive. You never know what the future will bring.
Thank you so much for your support.I pray for better days to come.
amen..!
Shalom Bais is most important. Thank you
You are very welcome.
It is wonderful to read Rebbitzen Palatnik on Aish.com. again!
Awww....thank you!
My MIL was awful to me from the start. After cancelling our first invitation to meet over dinner, she sat with her back to me the entire time we finally met, stroking my then boyfriend's arm, holding his hand trying to "show" me she was #1. It was cringey and my husband sunk into his chair while unsuccessfully trying to get it to stop and redirect her attention. This power trip carried on throughout our marriage and she didn't let up trying to come between me and my husband. Eventually, I (way too late) drew the line in the sand. My husband still has a relationship with her and I never stood in the way of my kids having a relationship with their grandmother. I, on the other hand, have not seen or spoken to her in 10 yrs. She's an old woman now with not much time left. Alone and regretful.
Wow.... You were given such a huge test, and I strongly believe you passed. You created healthy boundaries for yourself while at the same time encouraging your husband and children to have a relationship with her. Your MIL made very mistake in the book, and it's sad that she missed out on so much because of it. You are amazing.
I wanted to see the exact section in the Talmud quoted as a reference for these relationships. Otherwise, good article.
Tractate Yevamot 117a, also mentioned in Mishna Gittin 2:5.
Great Advice -not surprised it was written by Lori Miss you!!
Linda Levin (Denver)
Linda! Miss you too!
My mother-in-law, a psychologist no less, thought it was appropriate to continue her role as boss. My husband was comfortable with that. It caused a lot of friction in our marriage and between me and my in-laws. What helped was that I pursued a great career in business, as my husband also did. That and our family were excellent distractions. Ultimately I became stronger as a person--thx but I'd rather do it this way. Now, as a mother-in-law, I respect my in-law children's choices.
Thank you -- bless you for growing through the challenge and not passing it on to the next generation.