The Time for Hiding Is Over
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I’m dating for marriage and have spoken to dozens of men. Each one has a compulsion to watch pornography.
I am a 23-year-old observant woman striving to be a good daughter, friend, sister, and I hope soon a good wife and mother.
I’ve been trying to find my soulmate. I’ve talked to dozens of Jewish men on various dating sites and all of them admitted to me when I inquired that they were addicted to porn. I was shocked to discover that there wasn’t one who wasn’t actively watching it.
The frequency varied – from every few months to every day – but they’re all struggling with viewing inappropriate content and refraining from masturbation. Watching porn turns something that is supposed to be a beautiful and pure demonstration of love and intimacy between husband and wife into something dirty and degrading. Many of the men I’ve spoken to don’t realize what pornography is doing to their mind and how much it influences the way they view intimacy in the bedroom. They mistakenly believe they’re getting a glimpse of what intimacy is when in fact they are filling their minds with fabricated and unrealistic expectations that no woman can ever fulfill.
There is a lot of research available on the dangers of pornography, mostly written by men. I want to share with you how it makes women feel when their partner heads down that dark path. A woman, first and foremost, needs to feel secure, loved and cherished by her husband. So many of us are already insecure. We judge our bodies and our looks against every woman out there, and when you put us up against the women in pornography, we just cannot compete, nor do we want to compete with them.
How do you think your wife is going to feel knowing that you’ve seen hundreds, perhaps thousands of sexual acts performed with various women, images that you can’t help but bring into the bedroom?
Women need to feel that they are your number one priority, the subject of your ardent desire. How do you think your wife is going to feel knowing that you’ve seen hundreds, perhaps thousands of sexual acts performed with various women, images that you can’t help but bring into the bedroom? That creates an enormous amount of pressure on us women.
Once your mind is programmed subconsciously with twisted fantasies about what intimacy looks like, you are hurting your future wife. For a woman to feel secure in a relationship her husband must guard the relationship. You need to start now by protecting your eyes from watching porn. Now is the time to stop. Don’t think you’ll be able to easily stop the second you get married.
Furthermore, your porn addiction is presently compromising your ability to be the best husband you can be. Knowing that your husband is taking pleasure in viewing other women eats away at her and hurts beyond what words can express. (This message applies equally to women who may be struggling with this addiction.)
Being faithful to your spouse doesn’t start at the beginning of the relationship. It starts with fortifying your inner integrity before you get married. I want to marry a man who has self-control and dignity, someone who has the strength to withstand the meaningless temptations of the flesh. I am striving to be someone my husband would be proud of, and likewise I want to marry someone I can be proud of.
I know that many of these men are full of shame from their porn habit. They are not proud of themselves. Many of them are depressed because they know they are caving in to their baser desires and failing to live up to their values and living with self-control. They know that many women are not willing to date them seriously because frankly, we are looking for better.
Judaism views intimacy between a husband and wife as something beautiful, pure and holy. It should not be tainted with shame.
If you’re doing things that you would find very difficult to share with your potential partner because you find it too embarrassing to talk about, I encourage you to reconsider your actions. Judaism views intimacy between a husband and wife as something beautiful, pure and holy. It should not be tainted with shame. After watching porn, do you feel beautiful and fulfilled, or miserable and deflated? Sexual intimacy is supposed to draw you closer as a couple, and instead it is being grossly misused for selfish, destructive purposes that move a couple further apart.
I am writing from inner pain and sincerity. Hold yourself to the higher standard that deep down you believe in, and work on becoming the caring, loving husband you are meant to be, while we work on becoming the good wife we are meant to be. Resisting the urge to watch porn isn’t only for yourself – it’s preserving the loving, intimate relationship you will have with your beloved wife.
Men, if you want a faithful and trustworthy wife, it starts with you being a faithful and trustworthy man and guarding what you look at online. A few minutes of empty pleasure isn’t worth harming the most important relationship you will have in your life.
I’ve met men who believe that getting married will just “fix the problem.” The very fact that they can acknowledge that this is a problem that needs fixing is a step in the right direction. But it is not your future spouse’s responsibility to fix this problem. You need to take care of this yourself. Now. You need to strengthen your self-discipline muscles, deepen your understanding of Judaism’s holy view of sexual intimacy, and abstain before you start searching for a wife. Real women are looking for real men. We are not looking to become living porn stars acting out your bedroom fantasies.
Please take my message to heart. Break the cycle at all costs. Get your life on a positive track so when your future wife presents herself, you are your best for the both of you.
Resources for people struggling with this issue:
So many people are hurt by the pornography business. It is exploitative of vulnerable human beings at best and at its worst, it taints and corrupts the minds and souls of those who view it making it impossible to approach intimacy and marriage with the proper perspectives and holiness.
Humans are meant to be spiritual beings and the act of intimacy within marriage is at the highest level of spirituality as it involves creation of other human beings and to watch pornography taints even the next generations of children. We live in a very corrupted world where young children now have access to this filth and degradation and this is horrifying to think how these young people will grow up twisted in their very souls instead of pure and innocent human beings with their spiritual purpose intact.
yes Yes YES
A person who sees porn is usually stuck in the past and has a void where physical acts cannot fill it, only if love and understanding from someone else fills that void, will not only be sated, but he would re-evaluate the choices and find better ones. Hope is never to lost to people with the problem, but how people around the individual approaches to the problem.
Once Porn Addiction Starts it is almost impossible to stop. What really needs to happen is Mothers, who are closer to their children than fathers, need to educate themselves on how to parent boys through sexual development using kindness and support, not negativity and right and wrong. If we want this to stop women also need to look at Porn not through the lens of there is something wrong with him. It is an addiction and needs professionals help. If you love him you will help him. What never helps is an article criticizing its use. The lack of real girl boy connection on the frum world around teen years when that connection is necessary for development is also very bad and encourages porn use. Stop blaming young men. They are helpless without support and guidance.
The focus on of the post is porn, but please know that any man who saw a "love" scene as a young man tends to want to act it out in a way that objectifies his wife, which she senses, and this detracts from their intimacy.
I've seen this with both BT wives & FFB wives. If either spouse desires an act because it feels good or they think their spouse will enjoy it, then fine.
But this "acting out a scene I once saw and have been desiring ever since" takes his wife out of the picture; she ends up being a vessel for his "acting out" and no real intimacy. The woman generally perceives this as degrading (which it is).
Everyone needs to do their best to delete stuff they saw and found titillating, then tune into their spouse, emulating the relationship between Adam and Chava.
Nataly, What you wrote is long overdue ! I noticed for years, teens that look very skinny and lack sleep and it looks to me the porn is affecting them terribly. I spoke to my teen about it to warn him. It has become a sickness. No one below wrote about actors in the porn -the men are not really interested in women sexually ( all an act and if they are they swing both ways) the women may work as escorts ( to be nice) as well.. It is sad that that young teens will think this is the way to make love. What did Maimonides say- too much of the physical will cause weak eyes, becoming cruel and losing the mind, bad breath, looking older in age than you are. If that is not scary enough? Picturing another female while with your spouse , the child that is born from that will have focusing issues.
Natalie : Don't try to fix that men, they are already ruined for life. The images that go into the mind thru the eyes are impossible to erase they will stay there sadly forever.
You are religious and young ? The dating sites are not the correct place to find your soul mate. The best options to find your future husband are thru your family, your friends or a shadchan. Good luck.
Not sure, but I suspect that porn influenced many to not search for relationships. There are so many men that don't date, they just sit at home. It's destroyed the family unit from within.
I have four Jewish grown children, three of whom have married. (Our youngest is 29 and beginning a career in the law.) What strikes me about this article is that, while all the kids are computer-literate, the youngest's social life is much more oriented online than his older siblings'. I doubt that online porn--and online dating sites, for that matter--would figure less if there were more and better opportunities to meet prospective mates in-person, which was the only way to meet people when I was of marrying age. Today, how do Jews, who tend heavily to live in big cities, get to meet one another, talk, schmooze, and experience opportunities to establish a rapport?
Jon in Delaware
I battled with p..n for most of my twenties into my late 30’s. Even though it was mostly soft core, my reasons were because of a real inability to connect with females & (after being repeatedly passed over/rejected) the feeling that was the closest I would get to any attractive female.
Now p..n free after 4 years but still no success in dating
Interesting and insightful. However, I stopped watching porn decades ago and it hasn’t seemed to help my dating life in any way, shape, or form.
It’s amazing that you have broken free and I am sure the right lady is out there for you! You should be very proud for overcoming this!
Just curious Natalie, what do you expect Jewish men to do with no outlet for lovemaking/intimacy? P#n is not a good option, but it's better than the alternative of acting unethically in our society towards females. Best for men to find a match asap, but no reason to judge men for this (as men are/have always been geared this way).
I believe it I’ve seen the same scenario myself.
I'm sure that somewhere out there, someone's written a Jewish version of the Kama Sutra, the Iggeret Ha-Kodesh, which, like the Kama Sutra, celebrates sex between a husband and wife.
It’s called the Kosher Sutra by Rabbi Schmuley Boteach
Girls watch porn too.
Yes they do which why I said “This message applies equally to women who may be struggling with this addiction”
Robert, I believe Natalie. I have no reason not to. The issue of porn watching is HUGE
Thank you! I appreciate that and all of your positive feedback! This is not a topic I ever dreamed I would have written about. I just pray that for the men and women this will help encourage them to break this addiction!
You apparently have not read any of her responses. She has stated a couple times that she has gotten to know these gentlemen not something that she asked them immediately in conversation.
As I have stated before this is not something I asked them right away. I invested time and to get to know these men before this topic comes up. At which point I always made sure they knew if they didn’t want to say anything that was ok. And it’s not like they didn’t also ask just as personal questions.
Since you all need a man to tell you the same thing since apparently it is a problem when women tell you the same thing:
Rabbi Manis Friedman: Porn is emasculating: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTBcfjAASHI
Thanks for providing the link to Rabbi Friedman's words about pornography. He is so right! My first husband was into watching pornography and wanted me too, as well. I hated the vulgarity of it but went along with him for a while to be a "good wife". It ruined our sex life. Yes, my husband became passive and unable to perform without porn. It was one of the reasons for our divorce.
You did a superb job talking about the Problem...especially recognizing that PORN use is possibly an ADDICTION.
Like any Disease, you need support...There are TWO MAIN SOLUTIONS highly regarded and available with complete anonymity.
1) For Porn Addiction Recovery, go to https://p-a.online/.
2) For a Jewish only support group and resources go to https://guardyoureyes.com/
Or email me at [email protected]
THERE IS HOPE & SOBRIETY!!
Looking Forward
Duvid Chaim
(Co-Founder - GYE and PA)
agreed porn is bad but it seems you place a lot of unrealistic expectations and have a fantasy about how a perfect man should be. no man is perfect you should struggle and grow with your man not have everything handed to you on a platter. i have helped my man though struggle and ups and downs. and seen how judgmental Jewish women act in the community and synagogue. that is something not often spoken about. the behavior of Jewish women . men reflect what they see so if they see Jewish women with unrealistic views and privilege double standards they want to look at something else so make Jewish men want to look at women with good Jewish midot who think beyond money , it seems yo literally want your man to be your father and do everything for you
I disagree. No one is perfect except Hashem. This article does not speak of perfection but talks about what a natural relationship between a man and woman looks like.
Is the author of this article going to also address women who watch porn ? women who actively do only fans and promote feminist values in Judaism that are clearly anti torah. i agree porn is bad for both genders by the way but to be a man in todays day in age is extremely difficult. the fact women feel judged , maybe you should also talk about the lashon hara, tzniyut judgments Jewish women do to each other that makes you feel insecure. I Cant believe you said to just pray it away or abstain when it is a much bigger issue that needs psychological assistance from professionals. If you are going to judge men and have a certain view on how a man should be in your opinion have the decency to hold women to the same standard and don't be a hypocrite. 23 years old yes it shows lol
“(This message applies equally to women who may be struggling with this addiction.)“ I did hold woman accountable however I am not getting to know women to marry them. This is my experience with men.
you're 23 years old , did you come from a closed community by chance ? because there are many good Jewish men who I have spoken to and there is no shidduch crisis . the crisis is how women behave that turns Jewish men off. It seems you are saying that the man needs to have it all together and be rich, a rabbi, a psychologist , entrepreneur, body builder etc... besides opening your legs to give kids what do you offer him ? Be honest instead of biased cause honestly your comments really show that you have no notion of addiction or empathy to those who suffer from it. i would highly recommend that you open your horizons and talk to other Jews from different backgrounds and communities and learn about addiction before you make such generalized misinformed comments that hurt men !
Wow! Am I reading something different? Did I miss a couple of paragraphs?? Nowhere do I see “rich”, “rabbi”, “body builder” in this article! Now, you must know how women compare to those featured in pornography material. We can’t compete!
You are correct!!
You do make a valid point on what the author has to offer men besides sex and pregnancies. What do you mean by shidduch crisis--is it that women are expecting too much, not being realistic? Or men expecting a super model, again not being realistic? Don't misunderstand me as I'm not saying that unmarrieds should just settle for the first that comes around. I think both sides need to be honest and realistic when it comes to the dating process--what are you looking for and what do you have to offer and what are deal breakers because you can't change someone after marriage. When dating don't put your best foot forward but your real foot.
Natalie you are courageous and I respect you for your views and integrity
Thank you!!
You did a superb job talking about the Problem...especially recognizing that PORN use is possibly an ADDICTION.
Like any Disease, you need support...There are TWO MAIN SOLUTIONS highly regarded and available with complete anonymity.
1) For Porn Addiction Recovery, go to https://p-a.online/.
2) For a Jewish only support group and resources go to https://guardyoureyes.com/
With support for BOTH MEN & WOMEN users...and Spouses of the Addict!
Or email me at [email protected]
THERE IS HOPE & SOBRIETY!!
Looking Forward
Duvid Chaim
(Co-Founder - GYE and PA)
Boys will be boys!
As if girls don't watch porn too!
But will be boys -but we should be raising them to be honorable men that respect themselves and women. And vice versa.
And.. it still doesn’t make it right!!!
Not sure I quite believe this “story.” These are religious men you’re chatting with and the topic (which you say they are ashamed about) is brought up while you’re just learning about each other. Ok…..
You obviously haven’t read all of her replies in this discussion. The author clearly stated these are men that she invested time in getting to know. And you may not believe her story, but look at all the other women who have said they’ve gone through the same thing. I don’t blame her for holding out for better.
My Jewish (now ex-) husband worked in pornography: film, print, more. His boss was also Jewish. I learned that my chosen partner was insecure about his ability and his physicality by comparison to the actors. I have worked as an artist's model and also in institutions where it was often necessary to see unclothed people, and can honestly say that the bodies shown and the actions shown in pornography are not average, not normal, and not necessary for intimacy, delight, and bonding. Many porn actors are freaks of nature. So it is not only women who are demeaned and self-doubting when close to men who are engaging in viewing pornographic images. Men are victims as well.
You are truly too good for any man that has a porn addiction. Keep looking. A deserving man without a porn addiction will eventually find you.
Thank you the encouragement!!
I see some frustration in many comments, mostly from men, and the author's frustration as well, and being a man past middle age I would like to explain.
It could be true that people on the sites are not being honest but the men are a bit taken aback that a young woman is lecturing them on this subject. Men have this urge more than women have it or imagine. I am not condoning the behaviors mentioned and each man should do what it takes to help himself.
Let me share what VERY great rabbis of their generation told me as a young man going through this challenge: We are all in the same boat, God put it in us and it's a challenge till the day we die!
NEVER GIVE UP!!
Women have the same urges. Why do you think their in porn??
Women are in porn because they’ve been abused in various ways and have horrible self esteem, or they were tricked into it and can’t get out
Research this on”fight the new drug” and you’ll see. It’s not extroverted puts women into porn-it’s abuse. Plain and simple
Agreed! And if a person can find pleasure in watching a man abuse a woman like do in porn and all the different kinds there are, it is just plan vulgar…. And that’s the problem with this addition is because just a man ‘being’ with a woman becoming unsatisfactory and people have to go farther and further down a dark hole constantly pushing the boundaries and it’s very sad!
"but they’re all struggling with ... refraining from masturbation"
You clearly do not understand sexually and psychology and create a "guilt" complex around a subject that is complexly normal. Please go read some Dr. Ruth books and start seeing a secular therapist.
Dr Ruth Doesn’t give appropriate advice. Secular- the author it’s anything but secular. Stupid advice.
My advice. If she truly values that and related things most important to her, she can widen her search to all halachic Jewish young men in their mid 20s. I bet she can find a wonderful mate and make Jewish babies. That's great she holds those values in a husband! Just maybe don't be so quick to judge a man not by the exactness of his observance, but instead by the content of his character.
Not guarding his eyes is his character. That’s her whole plea to men. Strengthen your character.
We are a Holy( kadosh) people, we should act like it.
It's not so simple. BUT THERE is Help and SUPPORT!
PORN use is possibly an ADDICTION. It impacts the User and all those around them!
Like any Disease, you need support...
The GOOD NEWS is that there are TWO MAIN SOLUTIONS highly regarded and available with complete anonymity.
1) For Porn Addiction Recovery, go to https://p-a.online/.
2) For a Jewish only support group and resources go to https://guardyoureyes.com/
With support for BOTH MEN & WOMEN users...and Spouses of the Addict!
Or email me at [email protected]
THERE IS HOPE & SOBRIETY!!
Looking Forward
Duvid Chaim
(Co-Founder - GYE and PA)
Yep! My 17 year marriage ended because of porn! I should have seen the red flag before I married, but I was ’in love’.
I’m so sorry!
Natalie,
You are spot on with this article!
I was married for 32 years when my husband told me that he “no longer loved me” and he wanted a divorce. I was heartbroken until I received a phone call; this man called to inform me that my husband had been having an affair with his wife for four years. The paramour lived out of my state. My husband had been in sales, so I was trying to piece together how they met. Well, his paramour was a stripper!
I then examined his credit card receipts very closely, and discovered an outrageous amount of spending in strip clubs. Literally he would spend $900 a night in a strip club! Closer examination of bills showed that he had been watching a porn channel at home, which I never knew we were receiving. His secret porn addiction was the catalyst.
Yes I can relate.
Thank you!
I am sorry you had to go through that! It must have been very difficult!!
Time to talk FAITH
When the 10th commandment says that you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, you should not read it as “not allowed” . .
It is written in future tense - so I can read it as a prophecy about how G’d wants me to be happy!
Someone here wrote about removing temptation. That sounds nice, but can end up having to put all women in black clothes.
So I have to find that the problem is with me and ask myself why I - when tempted - believe / respect my own feelings/short-term desires more than what my Creator deems good for me!!?
Some here try to defend ‘that’s how we are’. Then I would say: your choices and the things you DO are the proof of your faith and make you to the person you will be.
Well said and I agree!
Thank you for writing such a sensitive article. Porn is degrading and disgusting to both men and women, but there is a huge amount of money to be made in that industry. For men who feel the urge to watch it I would do some introspection. What is missing in your life?
Natalie, I’m interested in your thoughts about my previous comment below.
Let’s say one of the guys you dated who admitted to having legitimate struggles with pornography had also told you that he no longer watches it and hasn’t watched it for years because he regularly seeks appropriate help for it. let’s say as long as he continually invests in these efforts (eg therapy, support groups, prayer, etc) he will indeed likely stay away from it. And he’s successful, and will likely continue to be successful based on his history. His only issue at this point is that he has this problem.
Im genuinely interested in what would your feeling be about him?
Would you still break it off with him for having the problem in the first place?
Hi Michael.
A great question, and yes if he had gotten the help needed and had refrained from watching porn for at least 1 year I would not end things as a result of that. On the grounds has taken initiative to seek help and it shows that he can overcome this. The only reason I would end things is if he was able to find pressure in more than just a man and woman because those other things are beyond what is our natural human nature and Torah.
A Man who has worked on himself is probably the Best Husband possible!
THERE is Help and SUPPORT!
PORN use is possibly an ADDICTION. It impacts the User and all those around them!
Like any Disease, you need support...
The GOOD NEWS is that there are TWO MAIN SOLUTIONS highly regarded and available with complete anonymity.
1) For Porn Addiction Recovery, go to https://p-a.online/.
2) For a Jewish only support group and resources go to https://guardyoureyes.com/
With support for BOTH MEN & WOMEN users...and Spouses of the Addict!
Or email me at [email protected]
THERE IS HOPE & SOBRIETY!!
Looking Forward
Duvid Chaim
(Co-Founder - GYE and PA)
When I met my husband, he had the ability to consume a lot of alcohol. He’d still be standing when many would drop. I questioned “alcoholism “. He said no. I said time will tell because certainly , I didn’t need to spend the rest of my life at a bar. I gave him the opportunity to prove he was not an alcoholic and he is not. We should treat each other this way because we are not perfect but looking to perfect ourselves.
I do not think it's appropriate for a 23 year old girl to give mussar to Jewish men and lecture them on controlling their sexuality. This seems like typical modern day feminist male bashing and men being blamed for having sexual urges that do not meet the demands of prude housewives who probably do not enjoy sex in the first place. Since when did this religion be so catered to modern day feminism?
I wish Natalie had a remote idea of how stressful and thankless being a male is in today's society. Imagine feeling constant pressure to doven, be holy, control yourself, support families, keep up with stressful corporate careers and guard your eyes from literally everything under the sun. It seems like the author should consider dating women so she doesn't have to worry about any of this.
I find the end of your comment to be very offensive. I am not a lesbian nor am I a feminist! Women were designed to be helpmeet to our husbands!! And no amount of every day stress from your corporate life justifies watching something that filthy and degrading.
Psalms 101:3-4
3. I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; it shall not cleave to me.
4. A froward heart shall depart from me: I will not know a wicked person.
All I am asking for is a man who has saved himself for me like I am saving myself for him.
And the only reason I mentioned this is because I believe that a lot of men who are stuck in this cycle of watching it do not know how deep they hurt women. It’s degrading to everyone!!
Natalie you keep nailing it. That you would consider a man who has in his past watched porn and is actively seeking support and healing to entirely stop and has a long-term record of being successful in doing that shows you are both realistic and kedusha -oriented at the same time.
May Hashem bless you in finding a good spouse and for putting your message out here!
Looks like someone is an Andrew Tate fan here.
All of the pressures you mention pertain to all of the married Orthodox women I know. They all are mothers, wives, and have full time jobs, several are lawyers, one runs a successful deli and catering business in a large city, etc. etc. What you are describing is simply the human condition, Jewish version. And the author's point still holds: if you want to have an intimate relationship that is healthy and fulfilling, indulging in a porn habit is shooting yourself in the foot. From a purely practical perspective, no real life sexual experience can measure up to the airbrushed, on-demand, edited version of sex that you get online. Real life relationships come with people who have needs and limitations and who demand that you follow the mitzvot, etc.
Excellent! You speak for all women, from every culture, nation and language.
Thank you! It means a lot!
Addendum: My yeshivish friend sends her not yet married sons & daughters on vacation between zemanim. They travel to other states, ride horses, go ziplining, parasailing. On Sundays the whole family goes upstate & rent bicycles.They turn out to be well-rounded people devoted to Torah. Might be your cup of tea!
That is such a wonderful blessing that your friend does that for her children!! It’s great to hear that! I actually have my own horse so yes that probably would be my cup of tea:)
I believe this is a problem of the modern orthodox community, where even sex before marriage is somehow "sanctioned", rather than in the unmarried yeshivish communities. Maybe, Natalie, you should be dating those men & not modern orthodox men. Also, I could not bring myself to ask a man this question. I also believe the question itself is provocative; titilating. Do you ask men if they daven with kavanah, or about their involvement in acts of chesed, etc.? 12 step programs break addictions; psychotherapy works; getting involved with joyful group activities like hiking, or basketball or photography, learning Torah. You might even meet your bashert that way.There's more to life than dating-ask older single men how they enjoy their time-you'de be surprised. They are enjoying life.
Unfortunately, this problem lies not just with modern orthodox, it has been every denomination of Judaism. Including but not limited to a rabbi who was orthodox.
As for your question how I asked these gentlemen about this topic is I would ask them “have you graduated your eyes from the inappropriate things on the internet” or “have you kept your eyes safe from the inappropriate things on the internet” I don’t see how this approach could be titillating for anyone.
“Have you guarded your eyes”… my apologies
I do not watch porn! Period. Full stop.
First of all, my wife of close to 40 years takes good care of me.
No less important: Why should someone make money because of my perversions? I would rather spend my money on myself and/or my wife!
You must be a such a blessing to your family!! I am sure your wife is honored to be married to you!!
You a gem of a man!! My husband of 34 years hasn’t seen it either. I’m blessed to have him.
Hmm, maybe add it to this comment?
There is a difference between "watching porn" and being addicted.
Yeah, time…
There is a mitzva on all Jews to Guard your Eyes. Please look up on Google the name of the Jewish organisation that is in charge of this. Publish its information on this website.
Nothing wrong with looking at porn...can get great ideas to spice up your bedroom life! Stop being so prudish.
Looking at porn for "great" ideas to "spice up " your bedroom life is like eating at a pig roast to get tasty ideas to serve at your Shabbos table.
Yes, that’s true Yael
Natalie, mind yer' own business.
I am but I also know there are a LOT of good hearted men who are missing out on relationships because they can’t find the strength to overcome this. Which is why I pray that sharing my experience and feelings on this matter will encourage even one person to overcome this!
Natalie IS correct. Porn Use is a Relationship KILLER.
THERE is Help and SUPPORT!
PORN use is possibly an ADDICTION. It impacts the User and all those around them!
Like any Disease, you need support...
The GOOD NEWS is that there are TWO MAIN SOLUTIONS highly regarded and available with complete anonymity.
1) For Porn Addiction Recovery, go to https://p-a.online/.
2) For a Jewish only support group and resources go to https://guardyoureyes.com/
With support for BOTH MEN & WOMEN users...and Spouses of the Addict!
Or email me at [email protected]
THERE IS HOPE & SOBRIETY!!
Looking Forward
Duvid Chaim
(Co-Founder - GYE and PA)
She’s not “getting in your business”. She wrote a very informative and heartfelt letter that I believe from most of the comments most of the people appreciated. You didn’t have to read it… unless ..
I find it very odd that the author goes on Jewish dating sites and asks potential dates if they're addicted to porn and the fact that the men admit it is quite astounding as men don't really get that intimate with a woman they've never met let alone someone they know. Plus they admit their compulsion to masturbate--that's going too far LOL! I don't know where the author is finding these 100% truthful men but take it from a woman who's been married over 40 years: men never, ever mention this stuff to any woman. We know it happens and they know we know but it's never mentioned. My husband has a hard enough time speaking to me about his hemorrhoids let alone his sexuality.
I understand this is a sensitive subject which is why it’s not something I ask them on the first conversation, and when I do ask them I make sure they know if they do not want to discuss it that it’s ok. However there have been some of the men who brought the subject up on their own when they started to talk inappropriate or asked my opinion on it. And the men that I have inquired to about this are open about it because they are looking for an open and honest relationship. I am not and will not be on apps like tinder which are when you’re looking to hook up. I am on the site for people who we are looking for serious relationship to lead to marriage.
Natalie I commend you for this well thought out sensitive article. I was married to a porn addict for over 34 years. And his addictions led to his adulterous life and we are now divorced. My divorce attorney said that it’s the leading cause of divorce that she sees. When I was dating I was determined to stay away from men who have this addiction and it’s the majority of men. Like you I asked questions and now I’m married to a man who is not interested in porn but in me. It’s a much happier and yes sexually pleasing marriage. No one wants to feel they are just a recipient of someone’s lust. You want a man in love with you and a man you can totally trust and respect. And for the men out there. There are many 12 step programs out there to get help. Hashem can answer prayers.
I’m sorry you had to go through that! It makes me so happy you found such a great man who treats you like the blessing you are! Yes he can!!!
It’s great encouragement to hear you found someone that’s such a big blessing to your life!
I believe the porn addiction contributed to my first husband becoming a narcissist which in itself is a very painful situation to live with. Also our financial situation was always on the brink of disaster because monies went to his addiction instead of the wellbeing of the family. Even though he made hundreds of thousands a year and had a high level executive job we were always poor. And I was forced to work to pay the bills and our Childrens college tuition. But this time I prayed that Hashem would direct my paths. Proverbs 3. I decided not to go on dating sites but to ask Hashem in His time and way to bring the man that He had in mind for me. At first I had my doubts, as he was a humble blue collar older gentleman. He’s like Moses and my king whom I honor.
I’m sorry! That is definitely a hard place to be in!
I am glad you have a true gentleman who you can honor!
I don't put much stock in those dating sites. I had a friend who met her husband on one and a few years later he gave her a get (the civil divorce had already taken place). Get out and meet men the old-fashioned way: someone at work, school, maybe an introduction by a third party--just plain one on one time spent together in different situations so you can size him up while he's sizing you up. Yes, it's hard and it takes time but you want your marriage to last.
If a man or woman is addicted to porn, they are addicted to it as well as Masturbation. Because the whole point of someone watching porn Is for sexual arousal.
And you would be surprised how well men open up because at the end of the day, a good man wants to be open and honest with a woman that he’s trying to pursue a relationship with.
I invested time in getting to know these men, this is not something I bring up first thing. And these men were ok being honest because they accept what they had done/doing and know that honestly was the best was to go with hopes of pursuing a relationship.
Younger men are more forthcoming. Porn is an issue that EVERY man is battling. That’s why birth rates are plummeting in every country except for in those without widespread internet access and theocratically run governments. That’s why erectile dysfunction and prostate problems (from excessive masturbation) are so common. Women need to not take this personally. Men are programmed to want to look at naked women. We need to stop judging them and HELP them. God can help them! Those who say porn is good for relationships are in denial. Porn addiction is painful. Shame is inevitable bc the scenarios get more and more aberrant. We need to talk to10 YO about porn to stop them before they start and have strict age restrictions. Porn threatens to end society. S. Korea has.7 birth rate.
Thank you for this wonderful piece! All of our addictions come from trying desperately to fill the emptiness inside with externalities. But the hole just keeps getting bigger each time we do that. Why is that? Because it's actually a spiritual emptiness, not a physical hole, so the temporary pleasure the addictions provide never last long enough.
To overcome an addiction, we need to experience greater and more lasting pleasures. What brings lasting pleasure? Simply put, it's the spiritual fulfillment that comes from practicing gratitude. When we open our eyes and see there is actually no scarcity of pleasure in our lives, but an infinite abundance of ways we can bring lasting pleasure into our lives at any moment, we have found the key to get out of the prison of addiction.
Thank you! I completely agree with you!
While gratitude is wonderful, a lack of it is not necessarily why guys turn to P and M. It's an independent taaiveh, a basic urge.
Natalie, mature intelligent males likely see porn as 'entertainment'. As in anything, there are likely things they'll find interesting in porn that may manifest itself in the bedroom in hopes of elevating the experience of intimacy with their spouse. If they first don't 'talk' about it with their spouse and ask them if they'd like to try it, the spouse will be surprised and wonder why it suddenly appears. However, if he does suggest something 'different' and she agrees to it, then her perspective may become one of enjoyment. Therefore, there is the possibility something positive could arise out of watching porn. It may even be beneficial for individuals to watch porn under guidance and then have a discussion about what is seen. Porn exhibits the mechanical aspects of having sex.
This is not how we as Jews who are intelligent and mature view, sexuality intimacy between a husband and wife. Sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is something that has to be sacred only for a husband and wife. What you have stated is a personal belief. But not the ways that we as Jews are to act on. And if you are wanting to bring new things into the bedroom, that should be something you sit down with your spouse and discuss with them not to go to a porn site for ideas.
There's a difference btwn that & making love which includes the mechanical aspects. If males AND females are not educated on the difference they will continue to confuse the two. Being able to see porn & then having a discussion on what was seen would likely be the best step in educating folks that what they see is a form of acting that is meaningless in real life. There is a certain beauty in the naked body, a vessel Hashem has created. When you study it's intricacies, it's a true wonder we still don't fully understand. It won't kill your mind to see one pornographic movie & do so with a critical eye. The acting is fake as are some of the circumstances portrayed. What you see may make you curious, some may make you laugh at the absurdity. Curiosity can lead to learning.
It would be interesting to know how you manage to bring this into a conversation with 'dozens' of men and get brutally honest answers to the question. Being addicted to porn is a pain that comes from within; it is loss, it is desire mis-directed. There are a lot of very personal emotions churned up in something along those lines, and I can't imagine people baring their soul to a perfect stranger about it unless they just don't understand the depth at which something like this lives. I empathize with people who are in that emotionally broken condition.
This is not a topic I bring up on our first conversation. Whenever I do ask tho I do tell them if they do not want to answer I understand and leave it at that. But most men who feel shame by it do express if they have or are correctly watching it.
Another point worth mentioning is the fact that many women will turn down guys when the men courageously admit to having an issue with pornography but have actually taken responsibility for it by joining groups such as the 12 steps recovery groups. Even when a guy declares that he has stopped watching pornography, the mere admission of having a struggle with pornography is enough for many women to break it off.
If a person struggles with abstaining from pornography, this should not automatically be a reason to stop seeing them.
If he doesn’t watch anymore and has dealt with it successfully through his efforts in groups like the 12-steps, I invite all women to look at how incredible of a feat this is for a man (or woman) to accomplish and see this as an asset.
Just my two cents.
I agree and if any of the men I talked to abstained from watching it and got the help needed then I would have kept contact with them. Unfortunately most of them all believed it would just go away when they got a girlfriend or got married and did not seek help from professionals to break the cycle before pressuring a relationship.
I was touched by your article and I deeply empathize. Porn addiction does something to a man's brain. From a woman's perspective it seems he's not present at all in the relationship. He is engulfed by a powerful fantasy that brings him down spiritually and mentally. The porn actress doesn't ask him to be accountable, nor to help with house chores, nor to be home on time for dinner. She's always perfectly dressed (or undressed) and made up and has no other purpose but to satisfy him and cultivate his fantasies. An honest woman wanting to settle down and building a family and an intimate relationship cannot compete with such a self-sabotaging habit, nor should she.
Well said and I agree completely!!
I'll jump to the chase- In the relationships that I was in, where this addiction was not a problem, was when I was fully consumed with my partner. I would always think, talk and do everything with her. Some would call this co-dependence, which is considered bad. However, I think this is quite good, and I believe it's what the Torah is teaching when it says, "The two shall be one flesh..." We can add: the two shall be one heart, one mind, one soul, etc. When I started fully living for my spouse or partner, the porn addiction was non-existent. However, when I was in a relationship where we were two independent people, then the porn was a problem. These relationships, in my mind, were almost 'elevated friendships' that involved committment. These relationships were not -the two shall be One
It's a great article. Nice to link at the end.
The key is to get rid of all temptation in the home, and to get a killer internet filter and give someone else the password.
Recite tikkun haklali every day, Psalms 16,32,41,42,59,72,90,105,137,150.
Read up on this subject, a LOT. There are so many blessings associated with keeping clean.
The BLESSING is that most of us started this horrible habit when we were in our early teens. Our bodies developed, and our POTENTIAL developed, but it all got handcuffed by this. The moment someone in their 20s or 30s stops -- they will see what Hashem gave them to do amazing things in this world.
Maybe a woman can read up on this, and like a salesperson, tempt their soulmate with the unbelivable rewards of fighting this personal plague.
Exactly! Definitely appreciate suggestions to help!
Natalie- I am with you in the pain of this situation. It is really sad how many men are swept into the Hell of pornography and masturbation. It is a very sever sin as a matter of fact one of the worst.I pray for you that you find your soul mate real soon! I was exposed to pornography at a young age and was very addicted for over 10 years always thinking marriage would solve it. Obviously it didnt as LUST(porn,mast. etc) is the opposite of LOVE. I learnned alot of ethics books which added to the shame.. I went to SA for years and learned lots of great tools and most of all HONESTY- I love the 12 Steps! But after 5 years in SA and going to thousands of MEETINGS and working the steps had a couple falls over the years and too much white knucling! I was hearing lots about Ayuhasca
cont. and benefits people had from SEX ADDICTION with pshycedelics. I begged G-D to show me the way for Help, and a freind told me about the PROMISE Rebbe Nachman said about Tikkun Haklali-10 psalms 16,32,41,42,59,77,90,105,137,150
how its helps very much for sexual sins.I took it on m,yself to say it everyday for 40 days and asked G-d to let me sense if it is helping! IT has changed my life!! also helped in the area of financial success,my marriage etc. Eventualy I got to go to Uman and say the tikun by rebbe nachmans grave which is the next level promise he made that he will do all possible to help you as long as you commit from now on to not do these sins! I feel his help in a huge way and wish for anyone serious about getting clean to connect with this Tzaddik Rebbe Nachman
Wow!!!!
I was addicted to porn in my teens, twenties and mid-life. I have been married twice and I no longer am as tempted as I was earlier. Here is my opinion- I think it has to do with several things. They are: loneliness, insecurity, need for excitement and pleasure, and lack of intimacy and dependence to another person (spouse). That's the micro, here's the macro: Our society focuses on extending our youth until our mid-twenties to thirties. A very respected Rabbi (who is still with us) once said we should be all getting married in our teens. At first, I thought he was quite mad. But now, I know that to be true. I feel I could write a book on this subject, because it's very vast. The big thing- there's nothing wrong with the men (and women) who have this problem. We are built this way...
Crystal clear. Never thought about it like this. My ex husband (who was 7 years younger than me) used to watch porn and go to strip clubs with his father, before we were married. It didn't bother me, but what DID bother me was that he would ask me to do certain things that made me feel pressured, exactly as you said (I won't go into details). I never connected that to the porn watching (which he continued to do during our marriage, with me and by himself), which I honestly felt was harmless, because "everybody does it," but then he would be asking me why I didn't dress such-and-such a way like they did, or like some younger women at his job did (who were all 20 years younger than I was, and also single and not mothers). I am sure that this was a huge part of what destroyed our marriage.
That sounds horrible, I am so sorry!!
Great article. Porn destroy all the beauty our in life…