Conduit and Criterion: Israel and the Nations
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The male perspective on dating that men – and women – need to hear.
Arman Aaron Dounel had doubts he’d ever get married. Growing up in a family marked by divorce, he struggled through his own dating experiences, wondering if his family history meant something was wrong with him.
“I went on many dates that weren’t leading anywhere,” he recalls, “I started thinking marriage wasn’t going to happen for me.”
Eventually, he realized he had a choice: Allow his past to become his identity—or decide his past was simply a part of his story.
“I changed my perspective and my narrative,” he says, “I didn’t allow my past to determine my future. I focused on myself, bettered myself, loved myself, and didn’t let other people—my family, their history, or their actions—define who I was becoming.”
That shift changed everything. Eventually he met Simone, the woman he would marry.
His experience became the foundation for much of what he now teaches others as a dating coach for guys.
“I’ve always been a connector. People gravitate toward me, whether I like it or not.”
But beneath his charisma is a deeper mission: helping people get to the point where they can date for marriage—not simply for fun. Because having someone you love to walk through life with matters. “Life can be challenging, depressing, and hard,” he says, “It’s nice to go through it with someone you love, someone who brings light into your heart.”
So what does this male dating coach want singles, male and female, to know?
Quite a lot. Here are his top ten tips.
“If a guy is flirting with you and you’re interested, flirt back.”
Why? “Guys are very simple. If you give him the cold shoulder, he’s going to think, "Okay, she’s not interested.” Flirt if you’re interested. Don’t play hard to get. Guys are simple; they will move on if you subconsciously tell them to.”
You don’t need to throw yourself at him. You simply need to give him something to work with.
“Give him a thread to pull on.”
Sometimes people make dating far more complicated than it needs to be.
We analyze the text. We analyze the tone. We analyze whether he looked at us for three seconds or four. We analyze whether he should have asked a different question.
Meanwhile, the poor guy may simply be wondering, Does she like me?
Dating is supposed to contain some chemistry, playfulness and fun.
When women say, “There’s no chemistry” he responds: “You have to bring your chemistry to the lab and see if it works.”
In other words, chemistry isn’t always something you either magically have or don’t have. Sometimes you create an environment where it can develop.
Arman advises to make a list of what you’re looking for in a spouse. But not an endless list.
“Write down the qualities that immediately come to your head,” he says, “One or two minutes. Maximum.” Then look at the person you’re dating. If someone genuinely fulfills approximately 70% of what you’re looking for, he believes you should be willing to continue exploring the relationship.
Why not 100%? Because people grow.
“You’re not just choosing someone based on who they are in that moment. You’re choosing someone to grow with.” That’s an important distinction.
Marriage isn’t a transaction where you select a finished product off a shelf. You are choosing a person with whom you will hopefully build, evolve, mature, struggle, celebrate, and change. Seventy percent today may become 95% tomorrow. It depends on what you build together.
“She’s not my ideal type.” Arman hears from men all the time.
His response? “So what, my friend?”
We can become so focused on physical details we forget attraction is multidimensional. Of course, physical attraction matters. Arman is quick to acknowledge that. He finds Simone beautiful. (“She smiles and I melt,” he says.)
But attraction isn’t simply about eye color, body type, or whether someone looks like the person you imagined when you were 22. “You have never been with someone who is pregnant. Their body is going to change and change again,” he points out, “If you’re stuck in physicality, you’re going to stay stuck there and you’re not going to grow.”
Real attraction includes loving the person’s soul. How do you feel around her? Does she light you up? Do you admire her? Do you enjoy being with her? Do you feel connected?
Those things matter.
Another mistake Arman sees constantly: interrogation.
“What do you do?”
“Where did you go to school?”
“How many siblings do you have?”
“What are your five-year goals?”
“Where do you see yourself living?”
Before you know it, you’ve conducted a background check, completed an intake form, and somehow forgotten you’re supposed to be having dinner. “Don’t try to learn their entire life story in two hours,” Arman says, “It’s exhausting and unnatural.” Instead, look for common ground.
Allow yourself to discover the other person. There is something beautiful about curiosity. You don’t have to reveal every detail about yourself immediately. “Allow someone to discover who you are.”
A little mystery can be healthy and attractive. “I want more,” he explains, “You don’t need to force-feed them everything about you.” And for anyone who is exhausted by dating, this is an important reminder: You don’t have to figure out the entire future on the first date. You just need to be present enough to discover whether there should be a second.
There’s a big difference between compromising in a relationship and compromising who you are. Arman has seen people completely reinvent themselves because they think it will make someone like them.
“He likes this, so I’m going to become that.” That doesn’t work. You cannot maintain a personality that isn’t yours forever. Know who you are. Know what you bring to a relationship. And know what you still need to work on. “If you don’t know it, write it down,” he advises.
Put yourself on paper and look at yourself objectively.
Because sometimes we spend so much time evaluating everyone else that we forget to turn the mirror around. “If you haven’t developed a healthy relationship with yourself, how can you develop one with someone else?”
This may be Arman’s most uncomfortable question: Would you date yourself?
We all know our own strengths. But we also know our weaknesses, insecurities, habits, and baggage. Yet sometimes we expect a future spouse to arrive as a fully perfected human being while giving ourselves plenty of room for imperfections.
If you want someone compassionate, are you compassionate? If you want someone emotionally mature, are you working on your own emotional maturity? If you want someone positive, do you bring positivity into other people’s lives?
Self-awareness trumps everything.
Arman believes we’ve lost something in modern dating: curiosity.
We know exactly what we want—and sometimes we become so attached to our list that we don’t give anyone the opportunity to surprise us.
Maybe his hairline is receding. Maybe her eyes are brown instead of green and you always wanted green eyes.
Maybe he isn’t a doctor but he’s ambitious. Maybe she doesn’t look exactly like the picture you created in your mind. But then you meet the person, and suddenly the checklist starts to matter less. “Allow them to wash you away with who they are.”
Arman states, “Everyone is doing life for the first time.” Nobody has this completely figured out. Everyone has problems. Everyone has a story. Everyone has things they’re working through. And perhaps part of dating is learning to see the whole person instead of reducing them to a collection of criteria.
I asked Arman what he would tell someone who says, “I’m not picky. I just want someone normal.”
“Sometimes,” he says, “the answer isn’t to date more aggressively.”
He suggests living more fully by finding friendship first. Join a league. Play pickleball. Take a class. Join a group. Make friends. Find hobbies. Go places where you can meet people without the pressure of every interaction being labeled “a date.”
“Remember what it’s like to find yourself again through fun,” he says. “Put yourself into a position to be found.” When you’re engaged with life, when you’re enjoying yourself, when you’re connecting with people, you become more visible.
“When you light up, you will be found.”
And conversely: “When you’re dim, you keep attracting the same dim people.” You are not simply waiting for someone to find you. You are creating a life worth finding.
Arman is not afraid to challenge people. “If you’re picky, don’t be surprised if people don’t choose you.” Ouch.
Having standards is healthy. Having self-respect is healthy. But what happens when those standards become so rigid they leave you isolated?
“How nice is self-respect if it leaves you completely alone?” he asks. Sometimes our standards aren’t entirely ours. We may have inherited them from parents, friends or community, or someone else’s fears. “Don’t marry a person like XYZ because you’ll end up like me.”
Arman calls this inherited trauma. Your parents may have had a difficult marriage or may have divorced. Someone in your family may have made painful choices or your family may have a bad reputation. But their story is not necessarily your story.
Respect your parents. Listen to them and learn from them. But remember you are the one getting married. “You’re not going to bed with your parents,” Arman says, “You’re not raising kids with your parents. Your parents will pass. You’re going to need a strong partner.”
That doesn’t mean ignoring your family’s wisdom. It means learning to distinguish between wisdom and fear.
The dating is a process, not a verdict on your future. A bad date doesn’t mean you’ll never get married. A failed relationship doesn’t mean you are defective. Someone rejecting you doesn’t mean you are unworthy. And a long dating history doesn’t mean your story is over.
“Enjoy the process,” Arman says.
One day, you will meet your person and all those awkward dates, strange conversations, disappointing setups, and unexpected encounters will become part of your story.
“And you want to have a good story.”
Dating can be frustrating, exhausting, and lonely. But it can also be an opportunity to meet people, learn about yourself, expand your world, and discover what you truly value. And sometimes the person you didn’t want to date may end up being someone you buy a house from someday.
“Dating is one of the best networking opportunities because you never know when that person may show up again in your life.”
So maybe you don’t need to make every date carry the weight of your entire future. Maybe you can simply show up and be curious and kind. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Give people the opportunity to surprise you.
As Arman repeatedly reminded me: Have fun.
“Drop your drama at the door before you go out,” he says. Because the person sitting across from you is probably nervous, too. He or she has insecurities.
He may be worried she’ll think he’s awkward. She may be worried he’ll notice her flaws.
And a thousand things could be said about you, too. We are all imperfect people trying to find someone with whom to build an imperfect—but hopefully beautiful—life.
So get out there. Bring your light. And give someone the chance to discover it.
Connect with Arman on instagram: @real_talk_coaching
