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13 New Jewish Barbies

February 28, 2016 | by Stephanie D. Lewis

Barb Mitzvah Barbie comes complete with yarmulkes, table assignments, DJ and cheesy movie montage.

For those not following the latest developments in the toy business, Barbie had a recent makeover so her body more closely resembles typical females, helping girls have realistic role models. But how about adult women? We need plastic role models too. I know I may be giving away ideas worth millions here, but that’s just who I am. Take notes Mattel, because I’m raising the Bar on Barbie!

Barbie Barberg – Q) Why is this Barbie different from all other Barbies? A) She suffers in silence, but shvitzes and cries on demand if you fill the water reserves under her Mahjong hand. Includes kosher pots & pans, plus a hot stove to slave over. Contains sweaters she insists her children wear during balmy breezes. Pull her string and she says, “Oy Vey, PJ!” and “Call me the instant you land!” or inquires, “But is he Jewish?” Guilt sold separately.

Barb Mitzvah Barbie– Contents: guest list, invitations, postage, yarmulkes, table assignments, themed centerpieces, DJ stage, an open bar, movie montage, candle-lighting ceremony, chocolate fountain, and of course a “But let’s keep this meaningful” mindset. Mazel Tov!

Low-Carby Barbie – She’s a pretty little waist-watcher, this one! Hasn’t met a bagel or bialy she’s not terrified of. But wait, there’s more! Sold as a boxed set with Bingey Barbie. When the diet gurus reverse their thinking, (and they will!) proclaiming carbs aren’t the evil enemy anymore, all bets are off as Barbie binges on every sweet treat not nailed down to her Dream House. Comes with a bejeweled yo-yo, (for cool symbolism) a wardrobe spanning every size, and a bashert Ken Doll who takes the 5th when asked if these jeans make Barbie look fat.

BarBell Barbie – Barbie’s matching gymnasium has heavy weights, which promise to get rid of flabby arms on her more realistic body type. Um, thanks Mattel.

Barraged Barbie – Barbie is bombarded with grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, homework help, financial woes, marital problems – on top of volunteering to be Room-Mother. Comes with enough pretzel sticks and Hershey’s kisses to make 32 chocolate dreidels for her son’s 2nd grade holiday party because Chanukah is never represented.

Bargaining/Bartering Barbie –Now Barbie can make clever deals with her hot new accessories! Trade an iPad for son’s promise to clean room. Loan out cellphone in exchange for daughter’s agreement to wash dishes. Endless imaginative possibilities when you purchase the entire set of high-tech electronics.

Barky Barbie – Nope! Barbie isn’t a dog lover, but her six kids ARE. And they’ve signed contracts to walk, feed, bathe, and play with any canine they beg for. Comes with a pink leash so Barbie can beat her children when they fail to follow through.

Barge-In on Barbie – Realistic working toilet, sink, shower and enough grooming products to beckon grades K-6 dolls to disrupt Barbie’s personal time.

Barricade Barbie – Same bathroom as above but includes a deadbolt so Barbie can lock herself in for some peace and quiet. Godiva chocolate next to shampoo sold separately.

Barbarian Barbie – SIX kids, remember? You know what they say, if you can’t beat ‘em….join ‘em.

Barfy Barbie – The stomach flu has spread through entire family. Comes with extra bed linens for Skipper. Not to be confused with…

Barfly Barbie – Would you give Barbie a break already?? And give her a margarita?

Barbra Streisand Barbie – “Memories, may be beautiful and yet….what’s too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget.” Even if that’s all this Barbie ever did, (sing these famous lyrics over and over) “Dayenu! It would have been enough.”

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