Deeper Meaning of 9 Common Jewish Words
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Nearly 40% of divorces now happen after 50. Here’s what's driving it, and how to know if your marriage is worth saving.
Another call, another divorce. Last night I heard about another one of our peers getting divorced. This has become almost a monthly occurrence.
“Gray divorce” – couples who, after decades of marriage, decide to split up later in life – accounts for nearly 40% of divorces in the United States.
After raising children, facing challenges, weathering storms, celebrating milestones, and navigating life together for decades – now you get divorced?
What’s going on?
There are many factors, and we’re going to address some of the most common ones, along with practical tools for prevention. But first, let’s talk about the elephant in the room:
Yes, there are times when divorce is the right choice.
Many marriages that seem beyond repair can, with the right help and genuine commitment, be saved.
After more than 40 years of marriage and close involvement with thousands of couples over the years, my husband and I have come to another conclusion: Many marriages that seem beyond repair can, with the right help and genuine commitment, be saved.
We have seen marriages that appeared to be falling off a cliff, and then, with the right intervention, watched couples pull them back.
When two people genuinely want to make their marriage work and seek excellent help before they reach a crisis point, they can not only survive a difficult period, but sometimes emerge with a marriage that is stronger and more fulfilling than it was before.
The key word is before.
If you wait until the marriage is in full-blown crisis, it will be much harder to turn things around. Pay attention when things are merely beginning to feel off course. Don’t wait for the ship to hit the iceberg.
And not every therapist is the right therapist for every couple. The right professional can be enormously helpful; the wrong one can make things worse. If the person you are working with isn’t helping, find someone else. Keep looking until you find the help that works for you.
You need to know that you did everything you could to save your marriage.
A wise rabbi once compared divorce to an amputation.
Your hand hurts. Do you cut it off?
No.
It really hurts. Do you cut it off?
No.
It hurts so much you can’t sleep at night. Do you cut it off?
Still no.
But if your hand became gangrenous and the infection is spreading up your arm?
Yes.
Marriage can be like that.
Do you get divorced because marriage is hard?
No. Marriage is really hard.
Do you get divorced because you are struggling so much that you can’t sleep at night?
Not necessarily.
But when the marriage has become destructive and is causing profound and ongoing harm?
Then it’s time to consider amputation because it’s killing you.
When the marriage has become destructive and is causing profound and ongoing harm, then it’s time to consider amputation because it’s killing you.
But we need to be careful about mistaking pain for pathology. A difficult marriage is not necessarily a broken marriage.
So let’s look at some of the reasons couples divorce later in life and what we can do about them.
One of the most dangerous mistakes couples make is allowing their entire lives to revolve around their children.
Of course, our children are a tremendous part of our lives – practically, emotionally, spiritually, and in countless other ways. Raising children can consume enormous amounts of energy. But in the process, some couples slowly neglect the core relationship of their family: their marriage.
The challenge is to navigate each stage of parenting together while continuing to nurture the relationship between husband and wife.
And that requires a sense of humor.
When your children are little, what is your number-one goal every day?
Get them to sleep!
When they become teenagers?
Wake them up!
You have to laugh together through some of the craziness. What’s the alternative? Fight and cry?
Not only does that make marriage miserable, it certainly doesn’t create the kind of home environment our children need.
That’s why date night is not a cliché. It is not a lofty goal reserved for couples who have extra time and money.
Making time for one another is crucial.
And I recommend a rule: For the first 15 minutes of your date, you are allowed to talk about the kids. After that, the kids are off-limits.
People sometimes ask, “But then what will we talk about?”
That question should make you pause. What did you talk about before you had children?
You need to keep blowing on the embers of your marriage so that the fire stays alive.
Because if everything in your relationship has always been about the children, when they eventually leave home, you may look across the table at your spouse and suddenly think: Who are you?
There was a time when financial dependence could be a powerful factor keeping a woman in a marriage. If leaving meant having no way to support herself or her children, she might stay, buying time to work on the relationship.
Financial independence for women is unquestionably a positive development. Women should be able to support themselves and have options.
But it has also removed one of the practical barriers that once made couples think twice before ending a marriage.
That means something else has to take its place: The conscious decision to work on the marriage.
When I was growing up, there was one divorced couple among my parents’ social circle. In my grade-school class of 30 children, only one came from a divorced home.
Today, divorce is much more common. In some social circles, it has even become the norm.
Think about what happens when a Hollywood star goes on a talk show and announces that he or she has been married for 10, 15, or 20 years.
The audience applauds.
That tells us something.
In the traditional Jewish world, there is still greater social pressure to get married, work on the marriage, and stay married.
And while social pressure can certainly be misused, some kinds of social pressure are good.
In my parents’ generation, the social stigma and financial realities were so overwhelming that some couples remained trapped in toxic marriages.
We need encouragement – from family, friends, community, and society – to make difficult but worthwhile choices and to persevere when things become challenging.
There was, however, a downside to the old system.
In my parents’ generation, there were couples who probably should have gotten divorced. But the social stigma and financial realities were so overwhelming that they remained trapped in marriages that were unhealthy or even toxic.
Those couples may have needed the “amputation.”
The answer, therefore, is not simply stay married no matter what. Nor is it if you’re unhappy, leave.
The answer is having the wisdom to know the difference between a marriage that needs healing and a marriage that has become destructive.
Perhaps the most common rationalization for gray divorce is: “At least now it won’t hurt the kids. They’re out of the house.”
But that isn’t necessarily true.
Your children may be adults, but they are still your children.
When their parents divorce after decades of marriage, their world can be shaken in profound ways.
They may wonder: Was everything I remember real? Were all those family memories a lie? If my parents’ marriage could fall apart after all those years, what does that mean for my own marriage?
Their understanding of their childhood may suddenly be reframed.
And now they have to navigate holidays separately, family celebrations separately, and relationships with each parent separately. If they have children of their own, they must figure out how to help their children navigate a family structure they never expected to have.
Grandparents divorcing can be deeply painful for grandchildren, too.
No, divorce doesn’t erase the happy years. Those memories were real. But it does change the family reality.
A bomb has been thrown into the family system, and many people can be hurt by the explosion.
Think of your life as a wheel.
Your children are one spoke. Your career is another. Your friendships, finances, community, health, spirituality, and countless other areas are additional spokes.
But what holds all those spokes together?
Your marriage is that hub.
Don’t assume you can build a strong, successful life around a weak center.
Choose wisely.
And then, once you choose, work on your marriage like crazy – before the first gray hair ever appears.
Don’t wait for the empty nest to discover that you have lost your relationship.
Don’t wait for a crisis to seek help.
Don’t allow the children, work, finances, and endless demands of life to push your marriage to the bottom of the list.
Yes, marriage requires a lot of work.
But the right marriage, nurtured with intention, humor, patience, commitment, and help when needed, is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves, and our children.
It is worth working for.
