GOOD MORNING! This past week I received a most unusual email. In response to my second quarter fundraising appeal to help erase some of the “red ink” that this endeavor seems to constantly generate, one reader responded with, “You’re asking for my support. What’s in it for me?”

I was absolutely nonplussed. Generally, if someone feels that way they don’t bother responding at all. For a moment I considered whether this unhappy reader may have just lashed out in a very passive-aggressive move, nonetheless I thought that I should address it as a serious question. I responded:

“It’s an odd question that you are asking. If, in fact, you see zero value in the weekly columns that are distributed to hundreds of thousands of people across the globe then I would ask you not to send any support. Still, it is also odd because you once donated $18 (sometime in 2017). So either your sense of altruism has departed, or you once saw a value in this project and now do not. I can absolutely respect that.”

I went on to suggest that if he’d liked I could unsubscribe him. He actually answered that he appreciated my response and would like to be unsubscribed. I asked my tech team to unsubscribe him and I wished him good luck and only good things.

Being on the receiving end of a gift is sometimes very uncomfortable. King Solomon – “the wisest of all men” – wrote, “he that abhors a gift will live” (Proverbs 15:27). This principle is further emphasized by our sages in the Talmud (Sotah 47b) who also derided receiving gifts. In discussing the rapid declination of ancient Jerusalem during the time of the Second Temple the rabbis said, “When those who received gifts became numerous, the days became few and years short.” Several Talmudic sources likewise indicate that one must be careful not to accept gifts.

This is particularly relevant in our times. As I mentioned in a previous column, we live in a unique era; one of inborn entitlement, when much of our society expects someone else to provide for their basic needs. As we shall explain shortly, this expectation – that others should support you – leads to an internal corrosion of oneself.

Of course, this reminds me of a joke. An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life I have been authorized to give you a gift; you can be the most handsome man in the world, you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” The man thinks for a moment and says, “I’ll take the wisdom!”

“Wisdom is yours!” declares the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke was barely clear before the man thinks, “Wow. I should have taken the money.”

This concept of receiving a gift is in the opening verse of this week’s Torah reading.

“I beseeched at that time [...]” (Deuteronomy 3:23).

This week’s Torah portion opens with Moses recalling the time he implored the Almighty to allow him to enter the Land of Israel, and how God became angry with him and rejected his request.

The famous Biblical commentator known as Rashi (ad loc) points out that the Hebrew word for implore is a derivation of the word “chinun,” which means to ask for a gift. Rashi goes on to explain that, while the righteous could ask the Almighty to give them what they have earned through their good deeds, instead the righteous request that God give them “gifts for free.”

However, asking for a gift seems to go against the very nature of Judaism! So why does Rashi say that the righteous implore God for a gift instead of asking for what they have actually earned?

In truth, King Solomon’s principle of detesting gifts needs to be more fully understood. Are we to believe that a person shouldn’t accept a gift from his parents or spouse? Should he really “abhor” the pen holder that his child will inevitably bring home from kindergarten and proudly present to him as a gift?

Like every part of the Torah, the explanation lies in a close reading and proper interpretation of the verse. King Solomon says that abhorring a present will enable a person “to live.” What did he mean?

The famous medieval philosopher and Kabbalist Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzato (1707-1746), better known by his acronym Ramchal, asserts in the beginning of his groundbreaking work “Derech Hashem – The Way of God” that the Almighty’s purpose in creating the world was in order to bestow on mankind the ultimate “good.”

Ramchal goes on to explain that the reason the Almighty didn’t simply give this “good” to mankind is because that would be akin to receiving charity, and a person wouldn’t feel comfortable with this gift; in fact, he would feel ashamed. Therefore, God created a system by which man could earn the good that God intended for him, and in this way man would perceive this reward as a product of his efforts. The very essence of this structure requires us to earn this “good” through a system of decision making; choosing between right and wrong, which will result in either becoming closer to the Almighty or further from Him.

There is another benefit to the good being a product of our own efforts. When a person earns something it allows him to feel that he can take care of himself and that he has justified his existence. Furthermore, it gives his existence meaning. Thus, this ability to earn “good” gives each of us a sense of independence and allows us to feel that we exist.

By contrast, continually relying on someone else’s largesse for your basic necessities is emotionally debilitating because you haven’t gained your independence or achieved a sense of existence. This is a very deep concept, and this is what King Solomon meant when he said that loathing gifts enables a person “to live.” Having the ability to provide for oneself is the affirmation that our independent existence is justified. Living on someone else’s largesse should be abhorrent to us.

However, there is a very big exception to this rule; when receiving gifts based on a relationship. In general, the term “love” is overused and subsequently undervalued at the same time. We “love” everything from various foods to cars, from experiences to certain products, from people to God Himself. We may not consciously distinguish one use of love from another, in part because our speech is becoming more and more imprecise, but it’s important to at least be conscious of the differences.

Much of life is experienced on a quid pro quo basis. I go to work and am productive; I therefore get a check from my employer. I go to the store and I exchange money for products.

In a true love relationship there is no quid pro quo. A wife doesn’t prepare a meal for her husband as payment for his efforts in earning a living to support the family. Parents don’t provide food and shelter for their children because one day their children will be choosing their nursing home. In healthy love relationships we want to give something to our loved ones because we want them to have it. One of my mentors in school management and leadership, a brilliant man named Rabbi Moshe Mendel Simon, once remarked in passing that one of the happiest days of his life was when he had the ability to help his son purchase his first home.

Receiving a gift within the context of a love relationship is not emotionally debilitating. For this reason, there is no issue when receiving gifts from one’s parents, spouse, or children because those gifts are an expression of love – they do not take away from one’s feelings of self-sufficiency. In fact, it is quite the opposite; receiving this expression of love is an incredible validation of oneself.

(As an aside, I’d like to think of charity in a similar manner. Partnering with any cause you feel connected to, helping to further their mission, is also an act of love and truly validating.)

This is what Rashi meant when he stated that the righteous are asking for a gift; “God, please give me a gift as an expression of our close relationship, not merely because I have earned it like a paycheck.” The righteous don’t want to be “paid” for their devotion. Receiving a gift from the Almighty is an incredible affirmation of His love, which is what every truly righteous person yearns for – a close relationship with the Almighty.

Devarim, Deuteronomy 3:23 - 7:11

Moses pleads with God to enter the Holy Land, but is turned down. (Remember, God always answers your prayers – sometimes with a “yes,” sometimes with a “no,” and sometimes with a “not yet.”) Moses commands the Children of Israel not to add or subtract from the words of the Torah and to keep all of the Commandments. He then reminds them that God has no shape or form and that we should not make or worship idols of any kind.

The cities of Bezer, Ramot, and Golan are designated as Cities of Refuge east of the Jordan river. Accidental murderers can escape there to avoid revengeful relatives. They then wait there until tried.

The Ten Commandments are repeated to the whole Jewish people. Moses expounds the Shema, affirming the unity of God, Whom all should love and transmit His commandments to the next generation. A man should wear tefillin upon the arm and head. All Jews should put a mezuzah (the scroll is the essential part) upon each doorpost of their home (except the bathroom).

Moses then relays the Almighty’s command not to intermarry, “for they will lead your children away from Me” (Deuteronomy 7:3-4).