The Three Secrets to a Happy Marriage

World-renowned marriage therapists Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. were partners in life and work. They wrote several best-selling books on marriage. But behind the scenes, their marriage was crumbling.

The pair sought counseling and were called “the couple from Hell.” They reached a humiliating low when they announced their divorce to their children and therapist community.

Then, Henry suggested they give it one last shot.

During this final attempt, they discovered three techniques that worked to transform their marriage. Their findings, called Imago Therapy, have helped millions of couples find peace.

Here are three secrets to a happy marriage that took them years to discover and implement. Don’t nix it; fix it!

1. It’s time to really listen.

Few people sincerely listen. Spouses plug into their phone and pretend to engage in conversation. Your spouse may grunt or raise an eyebrow with ears and eyes still glued to the screen. Listening is a lost art, but if you want a successful marriage, you have to change that pattern and start to listen more actively.

Our society rewards talking. The ability to effectively give a presentation, strike up a conversation, or be at ease in front of large audiences lands us great jobs. We are compensated monetarily and socially for being able to talk. But listening? Not so much.

Judaism believes that listening is the most important aspect in creating connected conversation. The Hebrew word Shema, which means “listen,” is one of the most important words in Judaism. In the Book of Deuteronomy alone it appears 92 times. Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks states, “Judaism is a religion of listening, and is one of its most original contributions to civilization.”

Listening is also a major contribution to marriage. If you can learn to listen without judgment, all conversations, even sensitive ones, can transform into a modality of connection.

Listening does not mean patiently waiting for the other person to pause so you can respond or retaliate. This is about listening for the sake of hearing your partner, to genuinely care about what the other person has to say, even during uncomfortable conversations or disagreements.

Harville and Helen were fighting in their living room one evening when she said, “Why don’t we just stop? One of us should talk and the other should listen.”

This was the beginning of a breakthrough technique called the Dialogue Process. They experimented with it and when they saw how successful it was, they introduced it to other couples.

Harville explained, “Most of us think we know how to talk. Just like we think we know how to parent. Couples were coming to therapy to talk, but if we allowed them to, they hurt themselves.”

Listening needs to become the priority.

Most couples can handle mirroring, which consists of one person speaking while the other reflects. That’s the easy part. The magic happens when instead of taking a turn to speak, you ask with curiosity, “Is there anything more you would like to share?”

Here’s why it works.

The brain needs predictability in order to feel safe and function at the highest level possible. When you are having a conversation and you know and can rely that your spouse is listening without judgment—and also curious to hear more—that predictability allows creative thought and expression, which will ultimately connect the two of you.

When you both listen to each other in this manner, most communication problems will melt away. So many of us just want to be heard and understood. Start with listening.

2. Get on the train and close the door.

Growing up in Atlanta, which boasts the largest airport in the world, I remember needing to take a train to get from one terminal to the other. Every time the doors to the train were about to close, the same iconic voice over the loudspeaker could be heard, “Careful, doors are closing and will not reopen.”

And so too with marriage. The reason people fear marriage is because deep down, they know that once they get on the train, the door is closing and you can’t exactly pry it open to get off. But the very thing that we fear—commitment—is actually a precious gift.

Something magical happens when we do not have an easy escape strategy. Harville explains, “When you don’t have an exit, your brain gets creative. That’s the benefit of closing the door: if there is no way off this train except to make it safe in here, then all your creativity moves in the direction of the welfare of the brain. And you find a solution in a space that you may not have before.”

Learning to love someone can be a hard process. Both spouses have to agree to ride the train of life together and commit fully in order to create a happy long-lasting marriage. Throughout marriage, both partners will make mistakes, but instead of saying, I’m outta here, you must find the strength to say, let’s try again.

You can’t generate closeness if you are on the fence about your marriage, or if your partner is on the fence about you. As long as you are not dealing with a toxic spouse—one who is either adulterous, addicted, or abusive, then your motto should be: Get in and close the door, because we aren’t getting off this train, no matter how hard it gets.

Judaism views marriage as the ultimate commitment: it’s the fusion of two souls into one. Your spouse is a part of you, like a limb. The only time you would think of getting rid of a limb is if it was gangrenous and going to kill you. Marriage is forever.

The Hebrew word for marriage is nisuin, which shares the root of the word noseh, to carry. When you are under the marriage canopy, you are essentially saying, I will carry you, no matter how heavy the burden of life or marriage becomes. That’s real commitment, and that’s when your life together can truly begin.

3. Zero Negativity Challenge

You may think “fix it, don’t nix it” refers to “fixing” your spouse.

That’s what Helen assumed as a newly married woman. She was on a mission to change Harville. She wanted to help him improve his wardrobe, and she felt it was her job to teach him how to socialize within high society. When kids came along, she thought his parenting skills needed some tweaking.

And she was providing all of this “help” free of charge. “For some reason,” she said coyly, “he was miserable.”

Over time, she realized that she did not need to be the one to criticize him. “Someone else will tell him if he has spinach between the teeth.”

Studies have shown that relationships thrive when there is a 4:1 positive to negative ratio. That means for every negative interaction, you need four positive ones to counteract it.

But, here is the big secret: if someone blasts a zinger—a mega negative interaction—it takes 17 positive interactions to counteract that one negative moment!

Negativity creates cortisol in the brain. Cortisol is an interesting little stress hormone that acts as a stimulant. While humans prefer endorphins, the feel-good hormones, when faced with a choice between cortisol or nothingness, we will choose a stimulant every time.

In other words, your brain desires endorphins, but it will take cortisol if it must. We utilize cortisol because it helps us feel things. But you need endorphins to connect to your spouse, and cortisol and endorphins can’t coexist. “Some people thrive off cortisol because that’s the only stimulant they get. You feel really alive when you are looking for the tiger that’s about to pounce on you. Or in the form of your partner. This makes cortisol addictive.”

Harville explains, “Negativity activates the emotional brain, the amygdala. It starts squirting cortisol into the system, which makes you feel wary and alert to find predators. When you feel that deluge of cortisol, you go into alert [mode] and insulate yourself with protective armor. Then you can’t connect or relate. You can be tactical and strategic, but to be relational, you have to be vulnerable. And you can’t be vulnerable if you’re defending yourself.”

The Hebrew word for happiness, sameach, is a conjunction of two words, sham moach. They translate together as, “there is your mind.” When your mind is flooding with cortisol, you can’t access endorphins or emotional connection. It is in one state or the other, but not both. Where is your mind? Keep it out of a state of negativity.

The Zero Negativity Challenge is a way to track negative interactions in the relationship. It requires shifting the focus from criticism to curiosity. When you cut the criticism, cortisol drops and endorphins can flow, which allows for connection.

Helen created a calendar to chart their progress. You gotta be kidding, Harville thought. Although he felt it was childish, the chart opened both of their eyes to how negative their days generally were.

Over the first three months, they had only two positive-filled days. “All the other 88 were negative. But we got two! And we are marriage experts. We do not ask couples to do anything we have not done, or anything that does not work.”

From those two positive days, they grew and developed another technique to share with the world. Helen claims, “If you think your marriage is bad, you need to see what ours looked like. If we made it, you can too.”

If you are struggling in your marriage, take heart. There is hope for you, too. Your marriage, no matter how bleak, has the power to transform if you are both willing to put in the work to make it better. When you learn to listen earnestly, fully commit to one another, and decrease negativity, your marriage can thrive and real connection can be attained.