The Three C’s of Pleasurable Intimacy in the Bedroom

Reader discretion is advised.

Your bedroom is one of the holiest places on Earth.

The intimate relationship between a husband and wife is where God’s presence rests. And like all holy work, it takes the three C’s: collaboration, communication, and commitment.

1. Collaboration: Team Intimacy

Blaming your spouse—or yourself—for intimacy issues gets you nowhere. One person working on the relationship helps, but it’s not enough.

Logan Levkoff , an expert in relationships and sexuality, puts it this way: “If you have one star player and the other is sitting on the sidelines, it doesn’t work. Both partners need to work at it.”

You and your spouse are not opponents—you’re teammates. Partners. You share the same goal: connection.

In marriage, intimacy needs to be a shared value and a common goal—not a battleground or a place we avoid.

So, how do you do this practically?

• Set aside time to talk about intimacy.
• Schedule time to touch—both sexually and non-sexually.
• Play together. Tennis, board games, or anything fun.
• Share a fantasy in a safe, trusting way.
• Brainstorm what might work for both of you.

Teamwork in the bedroom is like teamwork when dealing with a difficult in-law. The in-law might be awful, but if your spouse has your back, it changes everything. You’re not alone. You’re a team.

Intimacy doesn’t begin and end in the bedroom. As Logan Levkoff explains, “There’s this false idea that intimacy starts and ends in bed. But if you’ve had a horrible day of cold or disconnected interactions, walking into a bedroom won’t magically make you stimulated.”

But that’s not all. “Whether you call it foreplay or not, intimacy starts the moment you wake up. A kind text. A gentle smile. Feeling emotionally safe. These daily moments lay the groundwork for physical connection.” Start working together to connect throughout the day.

2. Communication: Words Build Bridges

A sex educator once said, “Communication affects the sex.”

Dr. John Gottman found that 91% of couples who can’t talk openly about sex also report sexual dissatisfaction.

So where do you start? With words.

Speak openly with your spouse about what you like. What you don’t. What you’re curious about. What scares you. Language builds trust, and trust allows intimacy to thrive.

The power of speech is what separates humans from animals. It’s how we build intimacy.

Therapist Dr. Anne Wexler shared that the happiest couples are the ones who don’t avoid hard conversations. Even if it’s awkward. Especially when it’s uncomfortable.

And if the words are too hard? Use your phone. Text it. Write it in a lengthy email. Send a quick note. Whatever works.

Sex expert Emily Morse touts three ‘T’s of healthy communication:

• Tone: Speak gently, with curiosity and not judgment.
• Timing: Find a time when you are both calm and relaxed. Don’t initiate these talks when you’re HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired).
• Turf: Surprisingly, the bedroom isn’t actually the best place to talk about intimacy. Try the car, a walk, or anywhere you don’t have to look directly at each other—it can make tough conversations feel safer.

Logan Levkoff notes, “The biggest challenge couples face is communicating their needs without worrying their spouse will judge them. There’s so much fear—of rejection, shame, past messages—that people avoid the conversation entirely.”

Sometimes people are curious to try something new, but they’re too scared to bring it up. If it’s never been discussed, it can feel big and scary.

So how do you start?

Levkoff suggests getting some help from outside media. “If talking feels impossible, take a cue from something you’re reading or watching. If you’re watching a movie or show and it features something you’re curious about, pause and say, ‘We’ve never talked about this before, but have you ever thought about doing…?’ It doesn’t have to be explicit. It could be a song lyric or a book passage. Use the tools around you. The universe sends us conversation starters all the time.”

3. Commitment: Keep Showing Up

Some couples stop trying to improve their intimacy because they fear they’re “bad” in bed.

Let’s be clear: there are no good or bad sexual partners.

Dr. Levkoff agrees. “I would say there are no good or bad sexual partners, there are just partners who listen to your needs and want to fulfill them—or not.”

The key is not a specific act or frequency. It’s the effort. A healthy sexual relationship does not mean being intimate every night, or even twice a week. It’s about committing to keep trying.

Schedule time to be together—emotionally and physically. That can mean touch, presence, play, or actual intimacy. Sometimes it will be spontaneous. Other times, it’ll be planned.

As Dr. Levkoff reminds us, “Sex isn’t a hierarchy. One act doesn’t count more than another. Receiving any type of pleasure can still deeply connect a couple.”

As the old saying goes, “Show me your calendar and your checkbook, and I’ll show you what matters to you.” If intimacy matters, it needs to show up in your schedule—not just in your thoughts.

Love is about action, investment, and presence.

A sexless marriage doesn’t mean the love is gone, but it does mean something has gone quiet. If you want a strong, lasting bond, you can no longer accept emotional or physical disconnection. It’s time to recommit to this sacred area of your marriage.

Just like you once committed to marriage, you can recommit to intimacy—not as a chore, but as a gift.

One of the most powerful expressions of commitment in the Tanach is Ruth’s promise to her mother-in-law Naomi: “Where you go, I will go. Where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people will be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die.”¹

Ruth wasn’t just committing to a relationship; she was committing to a life of uncertainty, discomfort, change, and effort. But she kept showing up. That’s what commitment looks like.

The three ‘C’s—collaboration, communication, and commitment—can transform not just your intimate life, but your whole marriage.

Practice them with intention, and you’ll begin to shift the pleasure in your bedroom back to a sacred space—and beyond.

1. Ruth 1:16–17