Steal This Idea: Why Judaism Says No to Microlooting
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Compliments matter more than you think. Here's how to give them better.
“You are such a good listener. You really helped me.”
I received this compliment the other day and it made my whole week.
It wasn’t grand or poetic. It was personal and heartfelt, and I felt like I mattered.
Complimenting someone seems costs you nothing, takes you a few seconds, and can lift a person’s entire day.
And yet chances are when you notice something good about someone, you say nothing.
Or you think of the perfect words hours later.
Or you assume they already know and don’t bother.
Or you say something that rings hollow.
Compliments are more than mere niceties. When you offer a compliment, you’re doing four things at once:
If we understood how powerful compliments are, perhaps we’d give more of them. And we’d give them better.
Here are 7 ways to give better compliments and how to give them more frequently.
Don’t wait for something big or impressive. The small things are where relationships thrive.
Example: “You made me smile when you messaged me this morning.”
Noticing the small things teaches us to see the world with gratitude.
Tip: Give a compliment for one tiny act of goodness each day, focus on something you’d normally overlook.
“Great job” is fine. But specificity can be transformative. It tells the person: “I really saw you.”
Example: “Your message was so clear and thoughtful. It made my day easier.”
Tip: If you want to make your compliments more meaningful, try using P.R.A.I.S.E.
It’s a simple way to turn vague comments into something warm and memorable:
You don’t need to follow all six principles; even using two or three will give your compliments more sincerity and depth.
Judaism teaches that we’re rewarded for effort, not results. Psychology says something similar: effort-based praise builds resilience and identity.
Example: “I admire the persistence you showed.”
Tip: Start compliments with “I noticed how you…” to highlight process over perfection.
Don’t save it for later and don’t wait for the perfect phrasing.
A simple, sincere sentence right now is better than the perfect compliment that never gets said.
Example: “That was such a thoughtful question you asked just now.”
Tip: If you notice something good, give yourself a five-second window to say it.
You don’t need to justify it. Just saying the good thing that you noticed is enough.
Example: “You’re really good at making people feel welcome.”
Tip: If you feel awkward, keep it to one sentence. Sincerity beats eloquence.
Appearance-based compliments can be lovely, but character-based ones build identity.
Example: “You are so calm in stressful situations.”
These are the compliments people remember years later.
Tip: Ask yourself: “What quality did this person show?” Say that.
Giving compliments is only half the equation. Receiving them well is its own form of generosity.
When you deflect: “Oh, it was nothing,” you block the giver’s kindness.
A simple “thank you” respects the moment.
Tip: If receiving a compliment feels uncomfortable, act as though you’re accepting a small gift.
Compliments are tiny acts of generosity, moments of truth-telling, flashes of appreciation. In a world quick to criticize and slow to notice, offering a sincere compliment stands out.
I have been told that it is immodest for men and women to compliment each other. I hope the writer can discuss this.
Dear Rachel
Thank you for raising this. The principles in this article can be adapted to whatever boundaries someone holds. For specific halachic guidance, however, it’s always best to speak with your own rabbi, who can advise you.
Kind regards
Leslie
The point of deflecting a complimentwith"oh it was nothing " really hit home! Thank you for that very very important point put so gently. Reinforced with Don't block kindness Respect the moment! Brain food for thought! Just brilliant! Thank you so much!
COMPLIMENTS might encourage us to REWARD with ACTIONS, too?
Great advice, but perhaps we can also add some actions, as well, not just words.
We might follow up with something, rewarding, and repeating, again and again...
It would be great, Prof, Gutman, if you could comment on REWARDS beyond words.
THANKS SO MUCH
Hi Harry
Thanks so much for your comments. You’re right that rewarding behaviors can be meaningful but it's important to consider what's the particular reward and when/how it's given.
When rewards are predictable or repeated, they tend to lose impact and can even backfire. But an occasional, unexpected gesture (especially when it's personal and thoughtful) can reinforce our connection with someone.
Best wishes,
Leslie
Wonderful,,,sensitive as usual thank you