The Questions Everyone's Afraid to Ask About Jews
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Hugs are underrated.
There are certain things one shouldn’t say to a grieving person. I know, because I have been mourning my late wife for over two months, with the prospect of many more ahead.
Though my journey of mourning has only begun, I have noticed that many people find talking to a bereaved person challenging. Doing so requires speaking judiciously, which is not a skill rewarded on social media. My goal is to help those who want to support a grieving friend or family member by tagging some common condolence-talk errors.
Let’s acknowledge that speaking gaffes to the bereaved is a problem with ancient roots. The Book of Job recounts the blunders of Job’s three friends, each of whom visits Job, ostensibly to console him, but instead adds to his pain. The three tell Job that he deserves the extreme suffering he’s undergoing. Thankfully, no one has said anything like that to me. Nowadays it is rare to encounter someone who presumes to speak for God.
But I have heard more than once that my wife “is in a better place.” The problem with that expression, however well-intended, is that neither speaker, the bereaved, nor anyone else knows where my wife is. I do know from grief counseling group meetings that many bereaved people, religious or not, wonder and worry about where their beloved is. I wonder where her soul might be, despite my tradition’s assurance that it has returned to God. In view of the mystery surrounding what happens after death, it is better to avoid making confident declarations on the unknowable.
In view of the mystery surrounding what happens after death, it is better to avoid making confident declarations on the unknowable.
More painful than the “better place” bromide is being told, “I can’t imagine how you must feel,” or “I can’t imagine how you’re coping.” Those expressions have two problems: first, they risk making the mourner wonder whether he is sad enough. And notice also that these expressions turn the focus away from the mourner and deceased, placing it instead on the speaker. The speaker’s capacity to imagine another’s pain isn’t the point. Helping the bereaved should be the entire aim of the interaction.
In the same family of clumsy condolences, but more painful yet, is when someone says, “I don’t know how I would function if I lost my spouse.” This also focuses on the speaker rather than the mourner. Worse, instead of comfort or sympathy, it invites the mourner down a dark path. Better by far to offer a hug or rest a gentle hand on the mourner’s shoulder than to say such a thing.
The bereaved need support, companionship, and love. Well-chosen words can convey all of those, and more.
The strangest condolences I have received have come from the corporate world. It is a principle of corporate law that corporations are persons, and that may have all kinds of benefits, but in my experience many businesses need to learn a thing or two about being human. I have discovered this because a spouse’s death requires many calls to change account names or settle bills. The first time I had a customer service rep apologize for my wife’s passing I figured I was talking to someone for whom English was not a first language. But by the third apology I wondered whether the meaning of “apologize” has changed. Either that, or corporate America is now taking responsibility for the fact that our lifespans are, in the words of Job, “but a breath.” If so, I would urge these companies to return to what they do best, and leave the mysteries of the human condition to others.
Customer service rep apologies were perplexing, but they didn’t rankle. This email did:
XYZ Insurance would like to express its sincere condolences for your recent loss.
This email will serve as notice that your wife’s policy has been cancelled per your request. XYZ shall not be held liable for claims with dates of service after her date of passing.
The overly hasty transition from “sincere condolences” to hey buddy, our liability ends the moment she took her final breath could have been drafted by the unreformed Ebenezer Scrooge. That email left me longing for the apologetic customer service reps.
I hope my words helps you engage with bereaved people. We need support, companionship, and love. Well-chosen words can convey all of those, and more. And remember, if you aren’t sure what to say, a hug, a gentle hand, or even a tender gaze can be more eloquent than any words.
Excellent said
then there is always those people who ask "how are you doing" I have not found a way to answer that one.
I lost my wife of 43 years on Nov.9.2023.So I know how you feel.i just wanted to let you know,you're not alone.
A really important discussion and yes better to say nothing if you are unsure the individual/individuals suffering the cruel loss with feel your empathy which suffices. I have always had an issue with wishing someone a “long life” when they are grieving the loss of a loved one. In my own instance my overwhelming grief dictated my own sour emotion of not wanting to continue without him so wishing me a long life felt like adding insult to pain. My mind reflected their comment “why wish me a long life of loneliness without him, wasn’t he worthy of a long life” I know this may be just me but I thought to share.
I once attended a talk by the author of Why God Why? How to Believe in Heaven When it Hurts Like Hell. (He was suddenly widowed at 38 with 11 children.) He told the story of his son calling him many years later, wanting to talk. As they were talking, his son asked one of those unanswerable questions. Rabbi Schusterman, the author and father, thought to himself, "My son is a Chabad rabbi; he knows the answers as well as I do." Then he said to his son, "Do you want an answer or do you want a hug?" He said that they then hugged as they had not hugged in 25 years.
Halacha regarding a house of mourning is clear. Say nothing. When you arrive at a house of shiva...generally speaking - you just walk in, make eye contact with mourner, find a seat...and be quiet. if the mourner chooses to talk..that's their choice. If they want to just sit in silence, surrounded by caring people...fine. If they feel the desire to speak.......listen, and agree. Not the time for controversy, opinions, etc. Additionally...visitors should bring food to the mourner, to relieve them of mundane tasks. The food should NOT be eaten by visitors...it is not a party! Too often, visitors stand around, eating, and having conversations...while the mourner sits idly by....trying to tune out unnecessary chatter. Being respectful is quite easy, say nothing - unless spoken to!
Let me speak from authority, since I lost my wife last December. Many consoled me, but the very best was my accountant. Upon telling him about my loss, he just embraced me, held me about a full minute and immediately said absolutely nothing. A few, knowing my wife died after a long illness, did say, "she's in a better place." I just accepted the sentiment, since it's said almost universally. Better if they said, "she was released from her suffering." If you say the latter to a mourner, you are certain that you are saying the truth. In my case, I wanted to talk about my wife, in particular the good times. They mostly let me. It relieved me and them of tension.
If you let the mourning family talk about the deceased and assure them that you love and care for them, you will do right.
Your thoughtfulness in sharing these feelings is deeply appreciated appreciated, especially since you are still going through this difficult time. This is so timely for me, and perhaps also for others who haven’t been able to thank you. May HaShem continue to comfort and support you.
People inadvertently say the wrong things to kids as well. That is part of why I wrote Invisible Tribe - an illustrated book that gives grieving Jewish children healthier messages.
When my husband died unexpectedly, my son was just 16. I cannot believe that people told him he was "now the man of the house." What pressure to put on a young man and his three sisters, and he took it seriously! I was able to nip it in the bud, but it was difficult since he was the only male amongst his three sisters. This was worse than the few people who said "don't worry, you will get married again" (I was 42 years old)! Always better to say nothing.
Hi.Your msg really spoke to meas I have 3 girls and 1 boy too.While my kids were abandoned by their father-not bereaved-they lost all family on both sides due to interference.Its interesting how I've had the same comments as you did,many times over.People can be thoughtless!
I hope your life is easier somehow now.
When you mourn the loss of your spouse of 55 years, you don’t know how long it may last. I got the feeling people thought after a couple of months I’d be fine. It took me eight years to feel halfway fine. I participated in life and enjoyed family, but the mourning was there. It hurt that my life mate was not there. I don’t think there’s anyone could say anything to ease that pain. Now I have peace. I have hope again to see him again.
I was told, there is no timeline on mourning. Surely, you can never forget him/her. But I can attest, in my case, the bouts of bawling and screaming have lessened. I cannot tell anyone else how to mourn, but I can tell you, with the many years you had with your spouse, there must have been many good ones. In time, you will be reminiscing more about that.
We have been told for years that the worst thing to say is “I know what you’re going through” because no two people are the same. That’s probably the origin of “I can’t imagine how hard this is.”
Dealing with big corporations, they are including legal language. It’s nothing personal.
I would not complain too much.
My adult son has been dead for four months and I have not had a single soul to share his death with.
Hope and appreciate people are simply doing their best for you.
Exercise grace.
The formula: Mourn for a week. Remember for a month. Then get back living your life.
It does not mean you will never think of your loved one.
As far as where they are, is this really our business? It is between the deceased and God.
Is there some harm hoping, wishing, praying that where ever they are, they have peace and are surrounded by people they love, and who love them?
Stay safe. Be well.
I am very sorry for your loss. May Hashem comfort you and all who mourn.
Thank you.
I loved my son fully his entire life. Before he was even born. Before he was even conceived, I prayed for him.
I never lied to him, and I never failed to be there for him, and to do right for him.
This is the thing you must do: Love, while people are still alive. Love fully, and be your best version for them. You may be the only one who is.
For when a person is dead, it is too late, no?
But of course, you can still pray for them every day too.
But this you should be doing when they are still alive, not just after they are gone.
Life is short, though it seems long. It is short for your family members too.
The most power any of us have is to love, forgive, and with kindness care about each other.
Stay safe. Be well.
I have sat shiva for both my parents. Let the mourner decide if and when to talk. This is an amazing halacha. Silent connection is awesome. If/when the mourner decides to talk, a meaningful consoling request, such as 'Please tell me something special about the deceased from which I may take inspiration.' can be helpful and consoling. Listen actively and be there for the mourner. Perhaps share an inspiring encounter with the deceased.
I had similar experiences when my other half walked out on my family.There was a neighbour who told his wife he would be buying my house as I 'wouldn't be able to pay mortgage alone',there were people who insisted on knowing if rumors were true(to my face),there were those who assured me they would 'never' be able to go through what I did(as if I Chose to),there were those who wanted lots of little details and the crazies who thought it was ok to tell me all kind of gory details about their own messy marriages! People are unpredictable and often gauche-sometimes their mouths overtake their brains...Mr.Troy ; I am so sorry for your pain and loneliness- please know you are not alone.There's way too many of us feeling this way.Wishing you and all of us only better times.
In South Africa, they say “May you live a long life.” I think this is nice and isn’t fraught with the problems you mention.
Losing someone so close is very very lonely. Half of me has gone with him so I have less motivation to do things so I have to force myself to do voluntary work and I go to pottery every week. I meet other people and that really helps me to have motivation.
The most important thing to do for those suffering from the death of a loved one is to “just show up.” Words are not required.
If you feel compelled, tell the person that you will miss the person who has died. If appropriate, send them a letter sharing a happy or funny experience with the deceased (just a thought). But do not presume to tell a family member answers to profoundly important questions that only their own personal faith may answer, i.e., where the deceased loved one is at that moment.
Touch is more powerful than any words. Best thing is to ask bereaved person to talk about their loved one. I know, because I lost a son suddenly when he was only 39.
M a stranger to you but I'm so sorry for your loss,your message really touched me.I hope you are...well...getting through it i suppose❤
Many thx. 🥰
How painful this must be for you. I am someone who has made my share of gaffes at Shiva houses and am always looking to do better. Would it be helpful to write about who your wife was? Where did she go to school? Questions like those. Maybe you could write about something that made you smile?
It is almost impossible for a person to successfully ‘comfort’ a mourner, as words seem to inevitability fail at this time.
Best to smile and hold their hand if proper, and then take a seat.
HI Alexander Troy
I enjoyed the article excellent points. But what did you find helpful that people said if anything.
Or can you please give ideas of what would be helpful? Most people say. sorry for your loss or heartfelt condolences.
I do remember during shiva a person asking to buy my parents house and or car 🙁
That last sentence.....I had a similar incident when sitting Shiva for my mother. I'm sorry.
I wish the author had given an example of the “apologies”. “So sorry that…” and “so sorry to hear that…” are common phrases in English and often used in reference to a death. They may not be brilliant but they have been accepted responses for at least 60 years.