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The smart way to date digitally.
How do I know this person is who they claim to be? Anyone can create a façade online.
Solutions:
You cannot rely on the authenticity or accuracy of a person’s online profile. Due diligence is required for each profile you encounter online, especially if the suggestion lives in another city. Dig up information by finding someone you trust who knows this person or people in the city they live in. Then ask them specific questions to uncover whether dating this person is a good idea or not. The person you speak to must feel an allegiance to you; otherwise, he or she may be willing to exaggerate responses to create a match. We are all connected by six degrees of separation. Use it to your advantage.
Always meet in a public spot for the first few dates, and do not cross boundaries no matter how charismatic the person seems online. Allow yourself extra time and encounters to get to know the person before you fully trust him or her with any aspect of yourself.
Long distance dating is a drag and just too hard to keep up.
Solutions:
Although challenging, long distance dating can work. Many happily married couples met via dating apps or websites, and dated while living in different cities for some time before marrying.
Long distance dating works if you follow certain principles. Treat your virtual time together with the same respect as an in-person date. Try to make your online dating as in-person date-like as possible. Get creative to accomplish this.
Have a dinner date together by ordering the same kind of food and eating together. Create a game night or make a “picnic” with champagne and strawberries. Play a relationship game together or share something new about yourself each time you speak over the screen.
Try to respect time zones and by not meeting late at night for one person, who may feel tired, cranky, or overwhelmed. If you have a significant time difference and that is the only option, try to rest before talking so you feel refreshed and energized.
When you are interacting online, treat it with the same respect as you would for any other meeting. Put away phones and other technology, and give your full attention to the person on the other side of the screen.
Distance dating only works if you ensure to meet up in-person steadily as well. Online interactions should supplement in-person meetings, not the reverse. Make sure to consistently travel towards each other or meet up in a neutral city that is close to both of you.
I really like this person but I can’t help but continue swiping on other people to see what else is out there.
Solutions:
Dating apps often create the illusion of endless options. You may find yourself collecting matches online and remaining in swiping mode instead of actually going out. You and the other person may not be committing because of the paradox of choice.
A single, Jewish guy who works in the same building as my husband said to him in the elevator, “You know why I can’t get married?” He pulled out his phone and waved it in the air, saying, “Because of this little thing right here. I’ll be dating a perfectly good girl who has a ton of great qualities. There is nothing wrong. But all I can think is, maybe the next swipe will be better.”
Too many options can create mental burnout. When you have one or two options, it’s easy to compare and make a decision. But once you introduce many possibilities, the process of making a choice becomes overwhelming and you freeze or ghost your original match as you swipe on someone else.
Daters need to have the right mindset and expectations regarding the efficacy of dating apps. Recognize that most options presented to you won’t pan out. Statistically, for every one hundred suggestions, a very small number of dates (and an even smaller number of satisfactory dates) emerge.
Typically, that “other option” you face is usually just a fantasy blocking you from giving the actual person in front of you a real chance. You may consider the out of the box advice of giving one person at a time your undivided attention.
I have zero interest in the people I match with online.
Solutions:
Instead of using algorithm-only dating apps, try shifting to dating apps that combine human and algorithm methods.
Dr. Leisel Sharabi, a psychologist, shares that algorithm-based dating apps work somewhat like Amazon and Netflix. These apps typically look at patterns of swiping behaviors and use something called collaborative filtering to make suggestions.
She explains, “It’s basically how Netflix recommends movies to you, how Amazon recommends products. They don’t have to know much about you. They know what people like you typically choose. Then they’re able to use that information to offer you recommendations. These days, apps don’t have to ask who you are and what you want. They can draw these inferences just based on knowing something about how you behave on the platform.”
Algorithm apps collects data on how people similar to you behave and use that data to send you options. This works well for shopping and movie selections, but might not be as accurate when it comes to providing relationship suggestions. Because of this, algorithmic methods won’t necessarily present matches you are actually drawn to when in-person.
Matchmakers and combination algorithm apps provide a human element that might be more accurate detectors of who is better aligned with your values and desires. Apps that incorporate humans can also serve to facilitate dating and prevent ghosting. The matchmaker combination approach can also vet out daters who aren’t dating at the same level of seriousness as you, or who might threaten your safety.
It seems that no one online wants to commit to anything long-term. I always find this out when I’m in too deep.
Solutions:
You need to develop the confidence to be upfront about your dating expectations early on. Figure out what expert matchmaker Aleeza Ben Shalom calls your “DEW” date -- the ideal length of time you would like to date for, your engagement period, and when you would ideally like to be married by. Once you figure out your timeline, you can more easily and confidently share it with others. It’s better to be transparent about your intentions and to lose a non-serious guy or girl now than to invest in someone, only to be told they aren’t looking for anything long-term. Get the red light now instead of becoming attached, only to be told their intentions were casual all along.
I don’t want to sign up for any dating apps because it creates a stigma that I’m not seriously looking.
Solutions:
If you are serious about dating, you need to network. It doesn’t have to be online, but online dating if used correctly can be a great tool to help facilitate meeting people.
If you don’t feel comfortable with apps, you need to network in real life. Attend singles events, Jewish community events, and social volunteering events. If you meet someone in real life and aren’t interested for yourself, set him or her up with a friend. The karma will eventually come back to you, and you could make a real match for someone else!
I am average in looks and/or financial success. I don’t feel good enough to get a quality date because everyone is searching for perfection. I’ll never match up.
Solutions:
It’s true that people’s dating ideals have morphed with the onset of social media. Many individuals have unrealistic expectations from their future partner, which affects their willingness to date someone not up to their imagined standard.
I once tried to set a couple up by texting their pictures to one another, but neither were very interested, and nothing ever came of it. By a fluke, they both ended up having a meal in my home for Shabbat lunch. (This was truly not contrived!) They hit it off in person and decided to go out.
Try to give your online match a chance in real life. The goal of these apps is to get you off the app and on a real date. Meeting in person can be beneficial because attraction is multilayered. Chemistry is never just about physicality, but if you constantly say no because of a picture, you are never allowing yourself to meet a full spectrum of options.
While it’s true that there are many challenges to dating apps and long distance, tech-assisted dating, the issues can be navigated successfully if you are committed to the greater goal of serious dating. Good luck, and feel free to post your own suggestions below!
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