> Dating > Dating Wisdom

Not Feeling It, Should I Break Up?

July 16, 2017 | by Aleeza Ben Shalom

My rule of thumb: When in doubt, keep going out.

Dear Aleeza,

I’ve been dating someone for three months who is everything I ever wanted…and still I don't feel it. I don't think I feel as excited as I should, or as happy as I should, and I can't help but wonder if perhaps I should break it off because the feeling just doesn't come. How can I deal with this issue?

Not as Excited

Dear Not as Excited,

My first piece of advice is to stay together for now. When in doubt, keep going out. Don't break up until you have more information and clarity—especially before passing up someone who is everything you’ve ever wanted. Most often, the best way to deal with this kind of a relationship is to give it time. In time, your true feelings will surface and you will make a good decision, and not one based out of fear.

From your description, it sounds like this person is everything you ever wanted on paper, or in theory. I’ve heard similar sentiments from my clients: “Aleeza, I really like him/her, but it’s not what I think it should be.” You say that when you are together you don’t feel as excited or happy as you think you should feel. How do you think you “should” be feeling right now?

While it could be that this person isn’t right for you, at this stage, I’m more inclined to believe that your expectations are not in line with your reality. On one hand, expectations are good because they help us figure out what we want and need. However, sometimes expectations don’t come from within. External expectations can come from society, social media or movies/TV. Expectations can also come from your parents, mentors or friends.

I wonder if someone close to you described how they felt when they met their soul mate. Are you holding yourself and your date to that experience? If how happy someone else felt in a relationship is your standard, you may be disappointed in your own relationship. Take some time to sort out your own expectations from any expectations you may be borrowing from others.

I’ve had several clients say to me, “Another relationship I was once in felt better than this.” If you compare a current relationship to a previous relationship, it’s not uncommon to find that you “liked” a previous person more than the person you’re currently dating. Comparing people doesn’t make either one more or less right for you. It’s better not to compare. Memories are powerful…and not exactly accurate. They are usually embellished and more enhanced than reality.

But what if a previous relationship really was “better” or more exciting than your current relationship? Again, it doesn’t mean that this relationship is not right for you. More exciting relationships can sometimes seem like an easier choice; however, they aren’t always the right choice.

Right now you are still in a place of indecision. Don't rush to decide yes or no. Simply keep going out. Over time you will have more clarity. And in the meantime, you'll have an opportunity to continue to get to know someone and build a connection.

The need for clarity is often so strong that it pulls us away from having patience through the dating process. You may need another week, month or few months before you find clarity. Think of this relationship like baking bread: You already have the raw ingredients; now you have to sit back, let them be together and give them enough time to rise to their full potential. Sometimes the yeast fails and the dough collapses. But sometimes, when there seems to be very little movement, that slow consistent movement upwards ends up being quite fulfilling. And when that happens, you get something beautiful.

May you be inspired to build the relationship you desire and may you take your time in dating and allow clarity to rise.

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