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I Hacked into my Daughter’s Jdate Profile

December 8, 2016 | by Stephanie D. Lewis

Even if my daughter sues me, I’ll have my brilliant attorney future son-in-law representing me in court!

My all-time favorite quote is Yenta’s from Fiddler on the Roof, (the live play) when she interferingly picks up Perchik’s letter from the post-office and justifies, “So…it happened to be open?!” Comes in handy on many occasions.

You should know that my adult single children have banned me from creating original Jdate profiles for them. But nobody mentioned I couldn’t clarify things if their existing profiles were a bit vague. Take the case of my single daughter, who uses lots of run-on sentences. I should allow her chances to be ruined with a smarty-pants English professor just in case (for some mashugana reason) she gets passed over by physicians, lawyers, and accountants? I don’t think so.

Okay, okay maybe I did a little more than just correct punctuation and grammar, so sue me! (Besides there’s still a huge chance I’ll have my brilliant attorney future son-in-law representing me in court!) And in my own defense, if interrogated why I would do such a thing?

My daughter was careless. And also – “So . . . it happened to be open?!”

The following is my darling Shayna’s original profile with my few, slight, inconsequential modifications in bold font:

Shalom and Hello! It’s so nice to meet you! I am a Shayna Maidela – a university graduate student studying several dozen different subjects because I have a photographic memory but haven’t decided on a major yet due to my many diverse, enormous talents and skills which could get me hired tomorrow at the top engineering firm in the country unless I should happen to get snapped up first in the movie business because of my sparkling smile which would captivate any Hollywood casting agent (as well it should after the expensive orthodontia my wonderful parents splurged on me with!) but my fondest desire is to put my lovely childbearing hips to good use and raise a Jewish family because there’s no ambition as honorable as expanding mishpucha, along with your waistline. My interests include ice-skating, (Michelle Kwan eat your heart out) singing, (the voice of an angel) east-coast swing, (Dancing with the stars!) live theater, (especially Fiddler on the Roof and Yentl) and though I don’t cook gourmet Kosher yet, I’d be willing to learn from the best, my balabusta mother, who has dedicated her life to bringing me up to be a female mensch. Please like Chinese food so we can have somewhere fun to go on Christmas, which is the only holiday we’ll be free for because I’ve already rsvp’d fifty years in advance to celebrate all future occasions (B’nai Mitzvahs, Thanksgiving, Chanukah, the high holidays, birthdays, pesach, graduations, job promotions, brit milahs, bridal showers, etc.) at my mother’s home because her hostess skills are unparalleled and even Martha Stewart begs for invitations. By the way, we’ll have a mashed potato bar at the wedding because she’ll be off her Atkin’s diet by then and eating carbs. I look forward to hearing from you and you’ll feel privileged if I write you back.

Well you get the idea; I basically just polished here and there. Anyhow, as long as she’s so busy with her many classes and what not, I figure I might as well do her a huge favor and field all the responses, writing back to the few that appear worthy. Within minutes, this one came:

Is this a practical joke or did your charming mother hack into your Jdate account?”

Of course I couldn’t resist responding to that with this:

Sir, What chutzpah you have even inferring such a thing! But since you ask, yes my mother is pretty amazing. What’s yours like? And would she agree to wear a navy mother-of-the-groom dress and stand off to the right for photographs? Because left is my mother’s best side.”

I quickly got back this:

The jig is up, Ma. Check out my profile again. The red letters spell out a secret message. One warning word per line.

This was an outrage! How did she ever break into her own account to caution potential suitors about me? Especially after I edited things so nicely and changed her password? I demanded an answer.

Because you’re a sloppy snoop, Ma. And also – So… it happened to be open?!”

I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. And she can even quote Yenta verbatim.

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