How to Support Your Wife Even When You Don’t Understand Her

There are many times in marriage when it’s hard to understand the world through your partner’s eyes. But you don’t have to understand everything to be loving and supportive. The most important goal in navigating challenges together is preserving and strengthening the connection in your marriage.

Here are some ways to support your wife even when you don’t understand her.

Validate her feelings.

Even when you can’t fully understand what your wife is experiencing, you can validate what she is feeling. Sometimes, feeling believed matters more than being understood. You can acknowledge that it’s hard for you to see the situation from her perspective while still affirming her experience. Try saying something like: “I don’t completely understand, but I can see this is really hard for you.”

It also helps to recognize the challenge she is facing given the circumstances and let her know you see how overwhelming it is: “What you’re feeling makes sense given how much you’re dealing with.”

Listen without jumping to problem-solving.

It can be tempting to go straight into problem-solving mode when your wife shares a challenge, especially if a practical solution seems obvious to you. But she may be turning to you for empathy and connection rather than a solution. When that’s the case, offering a solution is actually unhelpful and perceived as a lack of respect.

Let her finish speaking without interrupting. This shows that you’re genuinely interested in hearing all of her feelings, and you may discover that the issue is more complex than it first appeared. You can also reflect back what you hear to make sure you understand her perspective: “It sounds like you feel…, am I getting that right?”

Ask open-ended questions.

One of the best ways to understand where your wife is coming from is to ask open-ended questions that don’t make her feel defensive. In general, avoid using the word “why” when trying to help her open up. Instead, ask what she needs most from you right now. Maybe it’s a hug, maybe it’s a listening ear, or maybe she really does want help figuring out a solution.

If you’re having trouble understanding what she’s upset about, you can also ask: “Can you help me understand how you see this?”

Stay present.

When someone you love is upset, it can be tempting to walk away or emotionally check out until the intensity passes. This can often come across as apathy or dismissiveness. Do your best to stay present by maintaining eye contact and putting your phone away. You can offer a hug or hold her hand.

Don’t underestimate the power of simply remaining quiet but present if you don’t know what to say. If it seems like your wife wants space, ask her first to be sure you’re reading her signals correctly.

Don’t minimize or compare.

Even if you know someone going through a similar situation and coping better, don’t compare your wife’s reaction to theirs. You never fully know another person’s circumstances or how they are truly coping. Avoid phrases like: “It could be worse,” “You’re overreacting,” or “This isn’t how I would react.”

Judaism teaches that marriage is not only an opportunity to build a lifelong connection with someone you love, but also an opportunity to grow and learn to see the world through another person’s eyes. You don’t need to completely understand each other to support each other and grow together. Through that growth and effort, you may one day see the world through your partner’s eyes and build an even stronger connection.

Supportive actions.

Support isn’t only emotional. Help with something practical, take something off her plate, follow up later, and think about what matters to her—and act on it.

Support is a process.

Have patience. Support is not just one conversation; it’s a consistent process over time.

Don’t try to explain right away.

Conflict often increases when one person tries to explain while the other is still hurting. Avoid correcting details or defending your intent in the moment. Instead, say things like: “Tell me more,” or “I want to understand before I respond.”

Validate the emotion first. Differentiate between impact and intent: “I wasn’t intending to hurt you, but I see that I did.” Avoid conditional language like “if I hurt you.” Take responsibility for your part, even if it feels small. Remember: she is not the problem—the problem is the problem.

You don’t have to fully understand her to support her—consistent presence, humility, and care are what build lasting connection.