Five Misconceptions about Love

On the upcoming holiday of Tu B’Av, the 15th day of the Hebrew month of Av, we celebrate love. Historically, Tu B’Av was a day of matchmaking, reunification, and joy, imbued with the depth of Jewish values on relationships.

Here are five common misconceptions about love as we celebrate love through the lens of Jewish wisdom.

1. You can fall in love instantly.

Many people believe that you can fall in love at first sight, but while you may be instantly attracted to someone, love itself takes both time and effort. The miracle of love is looking at your spouse after many decades and realizing that you are more in love with them now than the first time you saw them. Real love takes many years to build.

Jewish wisdom teaches us: According to the effort is the reward (Ethics of the Fathers, 5:23). This is true with anything that is meaningful and worthwhile in your life, and it’s especially true for relationships. The more effort you put into your marriage, the stronger your connection becomes. A connection may begin at first sight but love is the work of a lifetime.

2. You should never feel bored.

One myth about love is that you always need to feel excited around your partner.

Authentic love is not dependent on sparks flying every time you are together. Don’t confuse peace with boredom. As an anonymous writer once wrote: “Sometimes, the most powerful love isn’t loud or dramatic. It’s quiet, consistent, grounding. If you can sit in silence with someone, feel safe in their presence, and genuinely want to experience life with them — that’s not boredom. That’s the base of something solid. Real love often shows up in the stillness, not the sparks.”

In Judaism, the peace between a husband and wife is a sacred goal to strive for at all times. The peace that emerges from deep love, shalom bayit or peace of the home, permeates and uplifts everything and everyone in the home.

3. You can change your spouse.

You may have learned the hard way that it is impossible to change another person. You need to change yourself first. Your spouse and your relationship will be transformed by your own growth.

The sage Rabbi Salanter wrote that it took him his whole life to realize that the only person he can change is himself. Judaism teaches us that love is not a fifty-fifty interaction; try giving a hundred percent and watch how your relationship gives you that and so much more in return.

4. You have to give up freedom for love.

You may think that you need to give up your personal freedom for the sake of love. Nothing could be further from the truth. When someone truly loves you, they want you to be free to grow into the best possible version of who you can become. Glennon Doyle, author of We Can Do Hard Things, writes, “For me, love is allowing your person to be both held and free. It is a miracle to find a relationship where you are both absolutely held in who you are and absolutely free to grow. “

5. You think marriage will solve all of your problems.

Many people believe that when they get married, all of their personal problems will disappear. But not only will your problems follow you into your relationship, they will often intensify when faced with the challenging task of building a life with another person.

Don’t rely on your spouse to fix your insecurities or heal your childhood wounds. Try your best to work on your issues before marriage and continue to work on them afterwards. Marriage can give you companionship and support, but it is not a cure-all. Judaism teaches that it can take a lifetime to work on just one character trait. Love will not change you without your own work.

Judaism teaches us that there is nothing in the world more powerful than love: “Many waters could not quench the love, neither can the rivers wash it away” (Song of Songs 8:7). It connects us to each other. It opens our hearts to the world. It gives us a human model of the incredible, infinite love that God has for the Jewish nation.

Happy Tu B’Av!