GOOD MORNING! In this week’s column we are going to discuss a complicated subject – that of criticism. Essentially, in order to become better people, we must all learn to accept constructive criticism. But this is a difficult concept for many of us to embrace. Not surprisingly, many people consider themselves experts at giving others criticism yet utterly fail at properly accepting it themselves.

What's the difference between constructive criticism and ordinary criticism? Criticizing someone makes them very angry, while giving them constructive criticism only makes them a little angry.

Have you ever had someone say to you “I need to have a word with you”? Generally, that is a prelude for some sort of unpleasant interaction. This week we begin reading from the book of Devarim – Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy is derived from the Greek word for repetition, and likewise in the language of our sages the book is often referred to as “Mishneh Torah,” which essentially means review of the Torah). The eponymously named Torah portion that is read this week refers to the “devarim – words” that Moses shared with the Jewish people in the final days of his life.

This portion is always read on the Shabbat before the fast day Tisha B’Av. The book of Deuteronomy recounts the final days of Moses and his conversations and final instructions to the Jewish people. Our sages explain that the reason that this portion is read on the Shabbat before Tisha B’Av is that it contains an extended criticism of the behavior of the Jewish people during their forty years in the desert.

“And it was in the fortieth year, in the twelfth month, on the first day of the month, Moses spoke to the Israelites regarding all that the Almighty had commanded him for them” (Deuteronomy 1:3).

The famous medieval Biblical commentator Rashi explains (ad loc) that Moses learned from our forefather Jacob not to level criticism until the end of one’s life. As Rashi goes on to explain, Jacob was very concerned that if he criticized his children earlier he would alienate them and for this reason Jacob didn’t castigate his children until he was on his death bed. So too Moses waited until the last year of his life to recount and criticize all of the terrible mistakes that the Jewish people made from the time they left Egypt until their arrival at the threshold of the Land of Israel (see Rashi for the rather exhaustive list of their misdeeds).

But this requires some explanation. How does waiting until one is nearing the end of one’s life mitigate the chances of alienating the person being criticized? What difference does it make when the harsh criticism is leveled?

Did you know that there is actually a mitzvah in the Torah (Leviticus 19:17) to criticize a fellow Jew? Sadly, most of us have no idea what this really means or when to apply it. Here is a classic example: Most of us feel it is our sacred obligation to (loudly) shush a person in synagogue who is talking or being disruptive in some way. However, this sort of reproof does not fall under the obligation of proper criticism.

Maimonides (Deyos 6:7) very clearly explains that the main driving force of criticism of another person must be your care and concern for their well-being and an outgrowth of your desire to see that they don’t hurt themselves.

Unfortunately, most of us prefer to blithely ignore the behaviors of our friends that are clearly detrimental to them because “it’s not our business.” Unless, of course, they do or say something that is annoying or disruptive to our own lives. At that point we spring into action. But until then we would rather turn a blind eye to their shortcomings and “leave well enough alone.” This is also often a source of great tension between parents and children, as I shall illustrate.

Last week we celebrated my mother’s 80th birthday. My siblings gathered to have a festive meal and recount some of the amazing lessons that we have learned from her over the years. My father recalled the time that one of my younger brothers bought an atypical shirt to wear while in high school. My father – who was the Head of School – felt that it would be inappropriate for his son to be seen wearing a shirt that would be considered too non-conformist. To be sure, it was very nice dress shirt, but it had “flair” and it would be a little different than the traditional Yeshiva school dress code, so my father told my brother that he didn’t want him to wear it.

My father went on to say that later that evening my mother took him aside and told him that he shouldn’t ever criticize his children for doing something that may reflect poorly on him. That sort of criticism isn’t about them or their behavior, but rather it’s about his concern for his own reputation. It’s not an appropriate sort of criticism. My father ended his remarks by saying that he never forgot that parenting lesson

This is why Jacob (and Moses) waited until the end of his life before doling out some of his harshest criticism. Often, the first thing we do when hearing criticism is try to delegitimize it by saying that the person leveling the criticism has ulterior motives. But by waiting until the end of life Jacob was demonstrating that their behavior isn’t affecting him – for he would soon be gone. Instead, he was solely interested in helping them address some of their character flaws so that they could grow from his admonishments.

This concept is very relevant to Tisha B’Av. The primary mourning on Tisha B’Av is centered on the destruction of the two Temples, which were both accompanied by the utter annihilation and pillaging of the inhabitants of Jerusalem. According to the Talmud (Yoma 9b), the reason for the destruction of the Second Temple was because of “sinat chinam – baseless hatred.” In other words, Jews had an antipathy toward one another and this caused us to lose the icon of peace and unity that was the Holy Temple.

Yet, the Talmud seems to have a contradiction. In another place (Shabbos 119b) the Talmud states that the reason for the destruction was because people failed to criticize one another. This seems to contradict the other teaching that states that the destruction stemmed from baseless hatred.

Furthermore, consider the Republican and Democratic parties; they have a strong antipathy towards one another and yet all they seem to do is criticize each other. If baseless hatred was rampant in the city of Jerusalem, then harsh criticism of fellow Jews couldn’t be far behind. What does the Talmud mean when it says that people didn’t criticize one another?

As explained above, we generally only criticize others when their behavior is about them doing something to annoy us, and not when their behavior is about them hurting themselves. But that’s not the Torah mandated mitzvah of criticizing your fellow man. That’s just a personal attack with some basis for complaint. (When we do this to our friends we should also carefully examine what that really says about our “friendship.”)

The only sort of legitimate criticism is when we are trying to help our fellow man. This is what the Talmud means when it says that Jerusalem was destroyed because we didn’t criticize one another. This lack of constructive criticism was a direct result of the baseless hatred. Meaning, because of the baseless hatred we had for one another, we didn’t care enough to prevent others from harming themselves.

This year, Tisha B’Av begins on Wednesday night, July 26th. Tisha B’Av is a fast day (like Yom Kippur, from sunset one evening until the stars come out the next evening) and culminates a three week mourning period by the Jewish people.

On this day, one is forbidden to eat or drink, bathe, use moisturizing creams or oils, wear leather shoes, or have marital relations. The idea is to minimize pleasure and to let the body feel the distress the soul should feel over these tragedies. Like all fast days, the objective is introspection, making a spiritual accounting and correcting our ways – what in Hebrew is called teshuva – returning to the path of good and righteousness, to the ways of the Torah.

A story is told of Napoleon walking through the streets of Paris one Tisha B’Av. As he passed a synagogue he heard the mournful sounds emanating from within. Napoleon turned to one of his attending officers and asked, “What’s this all about?”

It was explained that the Jews were in mourning over the loss of their Temple. “Why haven’t I heard about their Temple being destroyed?” The officer replied that it had happened nearly 1700 years prior. Napoleon is reputed to have observed, “A nation that has mourned its Temple for 1700 years will surely merit seeing it being rebuilt one day.”

May we see the coming of the Messiah and the rebuilding of the Holy Temple in the restored holy city of Jerusalem speedily in our days. Amen.

Devarim, Deuteronomy 1:1 - 3:22

This week we begin the last of the Five Books of Moses, Devarim (“Words”). In English, it is called Deuteronomy (from the Greek meaning “Second Law” – from deuteros “second” + nomos “law”) perhaps because Moses repeats many of the laws of the Torah to prepare the Jewish people for entering and living in the Land of Israel. The book is the oration of Moses before he died. Moses reviews the history of the 40 years of wandering the desert, reviews the laws of the Torah, and gives rebuke so that the Jewish people will learn from their mistakes. Giving reproof right before one dies is often the most effective time to offer advice and correction; people are more inclined to pay attention and to take it to heart.