Are You Self-Sabotaging?

Self-sabotage is a subtle yet insidious defense mechanism that most of us use without even realizing it.

Maybe you stay in a situation that doesn’t serve you simply because it feels familiar. Or perhaps you find yourself saying yes when you really mean no. You may even notice that when someone treats you well, you somehow undermine that closeness without fully understanding why.

There are many common self-sabotage patterns in all of our lives, and the first step toward changing them is learning to recognize them.

Here are four questions you can ask yourself to identify how and when you may be self-sabotaging.

1. Do I keep repeating the same mistake?

This is something we all do, yet it’s surprisingly hard to recognize in ourselves. What mistake do you keep repeating in your life, even though you already know the outcome?

Sometimes we convince ourselves that making small changes will lead to a different result. For example, maybe your performance at work suffers because you drank too much wine the night before, so next time you decide to switch to beer instead. This is your mind playing tricks on you so you don’t have to face the mistake for what it really is: something that produces the same result every time it’s repeated.

2. Do I find ways to create a problem?

When things are going well, do you ever notice yourself creating a problem for no rational reason?

You may introduce unnecessary obstacles that stall the momentum of your work. Perhaps you are resisting the change and responsibility that come with success. Maybe, midway through a project, you convince yourself there’s no point in continuing, even after making significant progress. Or you avoid small tasks that ultimately derail major progress.

Consider whether you are actively or passively creating circumstances in your life that you claim you don’t want.

3. Do I procrastinate starting or finishing things that are important to me?

Even when something deeply matters to you, you may find yourself inexplicably putting it off. You tell yourself you’re too stressed, too exhausted, or that this week is just too hectic—and maybe next week will be better. Or perhaps you do start something meaningful, but can’t bring yourself to finish it.

Reflect on why you may be resisting follow-through. You might be afraid of doing something imperfectly and prefer not to do it at all. Or you may feel like an impostor who can’t truly succeed, so you delay finishing out of fear that your completed work will expose you.

4. Do I avoid opportunities because I am afraid of change?

One of the most common reasons people self-sabotage is fear of the uncertainty that comes with success. Success always brings change, and part of you may not feel ready to face an unfamiliar future. On some level, remaining stuck in a known situation may feel safer than stepping into an opportunity that could set you free. When a new opportunity arises, ask yourself whether you are avoiding it because it truly isn’t right for you—or simply because it is unfamiliar and makes you feel vulnerable.

One of the most distorted beliefs that fuels self-sabotage is the idea that discomfort should be avoided. Try reframing that belief and viewing discomfort as a sign of growth and forward movement. Rabbi Noah Weinberg zt”l taught: “People often avoid making decisions out of fear that they are making a mistake. Actually, the failure to make decisions is one of life’s biggest mistakes.” We all avoid decisions and opportunities at times, but once you recognize that you are blocking yourself from your own success, you can choose differently—starting today.