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An Interview with the Chief

June 15, 2014 | by Staff

President Obama sits down with Jewlarious for a wide ranging interview. OK he didn’t really, but humor us.

JEWLARIOUS SATIRE: Approximately half way into his second term, President Barack Obama has made significant changes in American policy both domestically and abroad. With two years left remaining and still much that he would like to accomplish, President Obama sat down with Jewlarious for a wide ranging interview focusing on his foreign policy agenda.

“I’m a big fan of Jewish humor.”

Jewlarious: Thank you for making the time to meet with us, Mr. President.

President Obama: My pleasure. I am a big fan of Jewish humor. I love Jerry Seinfeld and all of his “what’s the deal” shtick. What’s the deal with pancakes? Is it a breakfast or a dessert? I mean, why is it OK to have cake for breakfast? That’s funny stuff.

Jewlarious: Indeed.

Obama: Or Jackie Mason. You know his bit about the cake?

Jewlarious: Um…not familiar with it.

Obama: You know how to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles? After the show, all the gentiles are saying ‘Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying ‘Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!'"
You guys love the cake.

Jewlarious: I’m actually diabetic. I can’t have cake.

Obama: Not even a little at the shul Kiddush?

Jewlarious: Not even a little.

Obama: Herring?

Jewlarious: Herring, I can have.

Obama: Baruch Hashem. If you couldn’t have herring – now that would be a shanda! A shanda for the goyim!

Jewlarious: Mr. President, could you describe the Obama Doctrine as it pertains to foreign policy?

Obama: We see America as an exceptional nation that must take a leadership role on the world stage, but being a leader doesn’t mean acting unilaterally without our allies. Instead we employ leadership through consensus, whether through organizations like the United Nations or NATO or more informally through the coordination of interested allied nations.

Jewlarious: And how would you say that policy has played out in the Middle East, for example?

Obama: Well the Middle East is really screwed up. I don’t think that’s a good case study for the Obama Doctrine.

Jewlarious: But, isn’t the Middle East a focal point of America’s foreign policy?

Obama: Why doesn’t anyone want to talk about the great work we’re doing in Madagascar? Seriously, together with the World Bank we prevented the Madagascarian – not sure if that’s a word – banking system from collapsing. Do you remember that press conference? I brought that delightful hippo, zebra and lemur to the stage – you know how hard it is to corral a lemur? They’re almost impossible to control. Like Vice-President Biden. But the media never talks about that.
Fine let’s talk about the Middle East.

Jewlarious: What would you point to as successes in the Middle East?

Obama: The Emir invited me to this crazy wedding in Qatar. They had an 80 foot outdoor ice sculpture. An ice sculpture in the dessert that didn’t melt! Can you imagine that? Now that wedding was a success!

Jewlarious: A wedding?

Obama: Sure. Although I was kind of hoping that the Emir would ask me to be the best man. Hey, what’s the deal with being a “best man”? Why do they even call it the “best man” when you are clearly not. I mean, if you were the best man, the bride would be marrying you, no?

Jewlarious: Seinfeld right?

Obama: Such simple observations, yet they are so funny.

Jewlarious: How was the food at the wedding?

Obama: O.M.G. The Emir flew in chefs from all over the world – except for Israel. Sorry. Come to think of it the kitchen was kind of like the United Nations that way.

Jewlarious: You are a foodie?

Obama: You bet. Michelle and I love to stay at home on Friday nights and try new recipes. But I’m not one of those guys who watches the Iron Chef and takes notes. Hey, what’s the deal with cooking shows on TV? I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”

Jewlarious: Mr. President, we’d like to discuss some more substantive foreign policy issues if possible.

Obama: Sure, I love substantive. Hey, what’s the deal with subs-

Jewlarious: Please don’t.

Obama: OK.

Jewlarious: Recently the Palestinian Authority formed a national unity government with Hamas. Your administration was quick to approve the merger. How do you justify this in light of the fact that Hamas is considered a terrorist organization by the United States and other Western countries?

Obama: We have been assured by the Palestinian Authority that the Hamas members in the new government are just technocrats.

Jewlarious: What does that mean exactly? The Hamas charter calls for the destruction of the State of Israel in article 15 and calls on the global murder of Jews in article 7.

Obama: Yikes [laughs]. They really don’t like you guys!

Jewlarious: Thanks. So what does it mean that they are “technocrats”?

Obama: I have no idea. That’s just what the new press secretary told me to say. She’s on loan from Susan Rice’s office. I hear great things.

Jewlarious: The United States gives over $600 million dollars per year to the Palestinian Authority. If Hamas is now a member of the PA doesn’t that mean that the US is funding terror?

Obama: Sure sounds like it. Sorry just a second…
[inaudible, speaking to an aide]
…right – those Hamas guys are just technocrats. Hey what’s the deal with the Swiss army?

Jewlarious: Sir?

Obama: Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”

Jewlarious: I can see you are really into Seinfeld.

Obama: He’s a genius. You know, they should call my foreign policy the Seinfeld Doctrine.

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