Columbia Students Once Rallied Against Nazis — Now They Cheer for Them
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Dr. Ann Wexler’s personal trauma has made her an empathetic, perceptive therapist.
Dr. Ann Wexler, born and raised in Los Angeles, has been a psychologist for 30 years. She specializes in both relationship and individual therapy. Despite achieving great professional success and helping many people, she was not always on track to become a psychologist.
“I definitely did not think I was going to be a psychologist. In fact, I had an entirely different career. I was a television producer for six years. It was a great job right after college, but after a little while, I realized I wanted something that felt deeper and more meaningful.”
After earning her degree, Dr. Wexler began working with women who struggled with infertility at a mind-body center. Little did she know that this would serve as a training ground for her own struggles which she should would face in this area.
“My journey to motherhood was brutal. I had six miscarriages. I was told by doctors that I would never be able to have children. I was emotionally distraught. I mourned the loss, had written letters of anger towards God and emotionally shut that door. I really went through all the stages of grief. Then, I miraculously had identical twin boys, naturally! Today they are 18, and I am grateful.” Her own struggles help her empathize with patients.
“Life is unpredictable and there are all kinds of curves in the road. How satisfied we are in life depends on how we manage these curves. It is important to focus on things that are within our control and put as little energy as possible into things that are beyond our control. That strategy will lead to more happiness.”
Dr. Wexler has experienced her own trauma and believes it makes her a more capable therapist. Without getting into details out of respect to her parents, Dr. Wexler admits she did not have the easiest upbringing.
Infertility often changes our intimate life, which can drastically impact the dynamic of the relationship. That’s exactly the point when communication becomes even more important.
“And infertility was traumatic. It always puts a strain on any marriage, as it did on mine. You have to continue communicating, and having a happy, intimate life with your spouse. Infertility often changes our intimate life, which can drastically impact the dynamic of the relationship. That’s exactly the point when communication becomes even more important.
“When we have suffered and ultimately found a way to triumph and overcome our challenges our own difficult experiences enable us to be empathetic.”
Dr. Wexler had to work hard and establish tools to make sure her patients’ trauma was not affecting her own life. When she was first starting out as a therapist, she used to constantly think about her patients’ problems, even after their sessions. “The first five to ten years were much harder. I thought about everyone and everything, 24/7. Then I learned boundaries, and how to be present in whatever moment I’m in, both in my office and out of my office.”
Infidelity is an issue that comes up regularly in couples’ therapy, both for celebrities and her average clientele. Dr. Wexler has even participated in a TV series featuring a celebrity couple dealing with infidelity. She helped them stay together and move past those issues to create an even stronger bond.
“I have a bias about this. I believe that if you are married and you have children and someone has had an affair that is not love-based, my bias is to try to keep family together.
“I understand that others disagree, and that’s okay. I openly tell the couples, ‘This is my bias.’ I ask them where they each stand and what their goal is. If one spouse doesn’t want to keep the family together, then the goal changes and I focus on helping them be the best co-parents in a divorced family. My overall goal is to make sure not to destroy the children.”
Dr. Wexler believes that stronger marriages are often built after infidelity. They talk about things they never broached before, and develop new tools of connection and problem solving. When even a small instance of infidelity occurs, it is a deep breach of trust, but it can be surmountable in a marriage.
Dr. Wexler explained her belief as to why difficult in-law relationships exists for so many people.
“What is so hard about in-laws and why there is so much in-law drama? I believe that it is because we choose our spouses, but we do not choose their family. We are stuck with who they are, and we have to embrace them as family. All of the sudden, we have this family, but we don’t have a lifetime of getting used to them as we do with our blood family. With our own family, we have argued and made up for years and years.”
She claims that the other reason in-law drama is so prominent is because we don’t know what the unspoken rules are in our spouse’s family, and we didn’t agree to them. It takes a lot of time to get used to the family members, but to also figure out what the boundaries and rules are.
Dr. Wexler offers a helpful solution when dealing with in-laws: “What it all boils down to for both the parents and child-in-law is: learn what your own boundaries are. Learn how to hold on to your own boundaries, while also being kind and compassionate for others. It’s the delicate balance between being assertive about your needs but in a compassionate way.
“For example, let’s say your mother-in-law said, ‘Hey, a bunch of family members are coming to town this weekend and we would love to have you host everyone for meals because we don’t have room. Oh, and also we need them to stay with you in your home.’
“She presents this to you on a Wednesday, and you have already invited company for the weekend. You feel conflicted. You don’t want to let her down, and you don’t want her to be upset with you. Stress and anxiety build. The key is figuring out what to say yes to, and what you need to say no to. And doing it in a loving, kind, and respectful way. “
“Your partner has to be your number one, because the two of you are the backbone of the family.
In my own marriage, my spouse and I are teammates. Every big decision and even medium decision, we discuss how we are going to do it. We also created a healthy division of labor. Divide and conquer, coupled with communication and mutual respect and trust really help. You can’t stop talking about stuff. Even when it gets yucky, you still have to.”
Your partner has to be your number one, because the two of you are the backbone of the family.
And sometimes, that is when it is most important to talk things through.
Dr. Wexler is also a big proponent of making sure life with our spouse and family is still fun.
She and her husband make sure to build in alone time away from their children, and take vacations together. She also believes that date nights are essential to keep things fun and spicy.
Over the course of her thirty-year long career, she has seen a dramatic change in relationships simply because of technology.
“There is so much checking out, and reduced attention span. I can’t tell you how many fights I deal with because of the phone usage alone. You can’t neglect a marriage and expect it to flourish any more than you can neglect a house plant and expect it to blossom. You have to pay attention to each other, and put in daily and weekly effort.”
Taking in these thoughtful lessons shared by Dr. Ann Wexler can help us all to find more happiness and fulfillment in our own life.
Dr. Wexler can be reached at https://www.drannwexler.com
Featured Image: Unsplash.com, Erol Ahmed
