A Better Way to Think About Marriage

Psychologist Carol Dweck's groundbreaking book, "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success," reveals two fundamental approaches to life. When applied to marriage, these mindsets determine whether you thrive or merely survive:

Fixed Marriage Mindset: The belief that compatibility is either present or absent, that love is something you "fall into" and out of, and that marital happiness depends on finding your "soulmate" who naturally meets your needs.

Growth Marriage Mindset: The understanding that a strong marriage is built through effort, that love deepens through challenges, and that you and your spouse can develop the skills needed for lasting intimacy.

This distinction is the difference between couples who weather storms together and those who see every conflict as evidence they "married the wrong person."

The Soulmate Myth

Our culture obsesses over finding "the one"—that perfect person who completes you effortlessly. But this fixed mindset sets you up for devastating disappointment.

Jewish tradition offers a more nuanced view. Yes, the Talmud speaks of bashert (one's destined partner), but it also emphasizes that marriage requires tremendous work. Love isn't something you find—it's something you create through giving.

In a fixed marriage mindset, every disagreement becomes evidence: "We're not compatible."

But in a growth marriage mindset, conflict is valuable information about how you both can evolve. Difference isn't a bug; it's a feature that invites growth.

The Courage to Be Vulnerable

Vulnerability makes growth marriage truly possible. Researcher Brené Brown has shown that vulnerability isn't weakness—it's the starting point for connection and change. When you can say to your spouse, "I'm scared" or "I need help", you create the conditions for genuine intimacy and growth.

How can your spouse support your growth if you hide your struggles? Growing together requires not pretending you’re both perfect.

Open communication and emotional connection are fundamental to shalom bayit (peace in the home). True unity requires you to show up as your authentic self, uncertainties and all.

The Effort Trap

In a fixed mindset, needing to work on your marriage means something is wrong. Shouldn't true love be easy? If you have to try this hard, maybe you married the wrong person.

This thinking is poison to relationships.

One of the most liberating aspects of growth marriage mindset is believing that people can change—not just surface behaviors, but fundamental character traits. Your spouse can learn better communication skills, develop emotional intelligence, or become more attentive to your needs.

This aligns with the Jewish concept of teshuvah—the belief that people can fundamentally transform themselves. Marriages are rescued when partners stop believing "that's just how they are" and commit to the growth process.

When your spouse tries to communicate better, even imperfectly, notice the effort. When you both navigate a conflict slightly better than last time, celebrate that win.

Growth is incremental. The journey itself—the shared commitment to evolving together—is where the real richness of marriage lives.

Practical Applications for Your Marriage

Reframe conflict as opportunity: Instead of "We're fighting again—this proves we're incompatible," try "This conflict is showing us where we need to grow together."

Practice vulnerability intentionally: Share not just what happened in your day, but how you felt about it. Admit when you're uncertain or struggling. Let your spouse see the real you.

Use growth language with your spouse: Replace "You always..." with "I've noticed this pattern, and I believe we can work on it together." Replace "Our marriage is broken" with "Our marriage is going through a challenging season."

Celebrate small improvements: Did your spouse remember to call when running late? That's growth worth acknowledging. Fixed mindset looks for perfection; growth mindset celebrates progress.

Find contentment in the now: Before bed, identify one thing you appreciate about your marriage today—not where it's going, but where it actually is.

Invest in learning together: Take a marriage course, read relationship books together, or work with a coach or therapist. View these as tools for growth rather than emergency interventions.

Practice chesed (loving-kindness) as a discipline: Don't wait to feel loving before acting lovingly. Judaism teaches that actions shape character—by consistently choosing kind behavior, you cultivate deeper love.

The difference between a fixed marriage and a growth marriage isn't whether you have problems—it's whether you see those problems as endings or beginnings.

Great marriages don't just happen—they are built, through vulnerability, effort, and the daily choice to believe in growth. Your marriage can become what you dream of by taking these small steps today.