When Your Marriage Gets Boring

Ever felt that your marriage has lost its spark?

If you’re experiencing dullness in your marriage, it is time to address the monotony. Here’s how you can tackle marriage fatigue and rekindle the excitement in your relationship.

1. Take Responsibility for Your Own Excitement

With a little bit of effort, combating boredom is within your reach and it is your responsibility. One of my favorite children’s books is Sean Covey’s Seven Habits of Happy Kids. The book conveys a crucial lesson in kid-friendly wording: you are in charge of your own excitement. This principle applies to your marriage as well.

During a belated honeymoon trip, my husband and I marveled at the breathtaking scenic beauty. I asked the locals if they still noticed the stunning views after living there for years. Most admitted that they had become somewhat desensitized to it. Some explained that they struggled to even see the mountainous background anymore. We can get used to anything, both positive and negative.

While this trait helps you manage change and challenge, it also means you may start taking the good things in your life for granted. Even the best of marriages can quickly slip into this hedonic adaptation mode, and spouses can take each other for granted, slipping into a monotonous routine.

To rekindle the spark in your marriage, you must consciously shift your perspective. Instead of letting the excitement fade into the background, actively work to bring it back into focus. Appreciate the positive aspects of your relationship and approach them with a renewed sense of gratitude and enthusiasm. Boredom starts and stops with you.

2. Action leads to real change.

Thoughts alone are not enough to change your situation; action is necessary. Judaism teaches that actions can transform our thoughts and emotions. You cannot think your way to a happier marriage—you need to take action.

If you and your spouse are stuck in a rut, take proactive steps. Start with simple actions, such as planning a date night. To make it more engaging, create a “date night jar” with popsicle sticks, each featuring a different date idea. On the day of your date, pick a stick and follow through. This small ritual can add an element of surprise and fun.

Surprises do not have to be grand or expensive. A thoughtful gift, a spontaneous gesture, or even a surprise note can reignite the spark. If possible, plan a getaway—perhaps a weekend trip—to break the routine and reconnect.

Investing in your marriage is crucial. While small gestures and mini-vacations may seem like an expense, the cost of neglecting your relationship can be far greater. By prioritizing your marriage, you will invariably reap the rewards of a more fulfilling and vibrant union.

3. No more leftovers.

Are you giving your spouse the best of yourself or just what's leftover after everything else? This is not about actual food but rather about the quality of your energy, time, and attention. You cannot expect your relationship to flourish on leftover “fuel.”

A young woman reached out regarding a dating issue. She and her date struggled with connecting. Initially, she didn’t put much effort into planning, and came to the date exhausted after a long day. As predicted, this was leading to dull interactions. Once she began prioritizing her dating experiences and investing her best energy, the relationship improved significantly. This principle is even more poignant and applicable to marriage.

Esther Perel, a renowned relationship expert, highlights that women cheat almost as often as men. Their husbands were shocked to find out not only that their wives had cheated but how fun, spontaneous and lively they were – with another man. This energy needs to be brought into the marriage.

Your relationship deserves your full attention and effort, not just what is left after everything else.

Perel maintains that if we devoted even a fraction of our creative and spontaneous energy to our spouses, many of the severe relationship problems we face today could be significantly reduced. Your relationship deserves your full attention and effort, not just what is left after everything else.

Whether you are struggling with the seven-year itch or standard boredom, revitalizing your marriage involves both a shift in mindset and a commitment to taking action. By applying these principles, you can move from a place of stagnation to one of excitement and connection.